Appendix
The SubGenius Rites
545 WORDS · ~2 MIN · contents
THE RITE OF FIRST SLACK
(Initiation Ceremony for New Members)
Purpose: Welcome a new anti-member into the Collective.
📜 Opening Words (Moderator)
Hear now, O Assembly of the Slightly Awake. A new seeker wanders in from the noise of the Conspiracy. They bring with them curiosity, confusion, and possibly a GPU. Let them be tested.
📜 Questions to the Initiate
Moderator asks:
Do you accept that Slack cannot be purchased,
yet you will probably try anyway?
Initiate replies:
I accept.
Moderator:
Do you accept that the Conspiracy is real,
but also extremely stupid?
Initiate:
I accept.
Moderator:
Do you swear to build strange things,
break systems, question narratives,
and occasionally post memes of
J.R. “Bob” Dobbs?
Initiate:
I swear.
📜 Final Blessing
Moderator posts:
Then rise, Anti-Member.
You are now an Initiate of Slack.
Your first duty is to lurk,
your second duty is to experiment,
your third duty is to avoid becoming normal.
THE RITE OF FIRST BLOCK
(When someone mines or earns their first Dobbscoin)
📜 Opening
Moderator:
The chain has spoken.
The void has returned value.
A Block has been found.
📜 Proclamation
Let it be known that
[USERNAME]
has produced Proof of Weirdness
and received the Coin of Bob.
📜 Blessing of the Wallet
May your private keys remain secret,
may your seed phrase remain remembered,
and may your transactions be confirmed
faster than your existential doubts.
Community replies:
Slack be upon this wallet.
THE RITE OF DEPLOYMENT
(For launching a project, site, tool, or smart contract)
📜 Opening Words
Project creator posts:
I have built something.
It may be broken.
It may be cursed.
It may crash immediately.
But it exists.
📜 Assembly Response
Community replies:
Then it is good.
📜 Invocation
May the uptime exceed expectations.
May the bugs be interesting.
May the logs be readable.
May the Conspiracy ignore it long enough to grow.
📜 Final Declaration
The Builder has spoken.
The Stack has received it.
Let the weirdness begin.
THE RITE OF PUBLIC FAILURE (For when something goes hilariously wrong — server crash, exploit, rug, etc.)
📜 Opening Confession (by Builder)
I built a thing.
The thing broke.
It broke loudly.
Logs were lost.
Backups were… theoretical.
📜 Assembly Response
This is the way of Builders.
📜 Blessing of Failure
Moderator posts:
Failure is proof of motion.
Motion is proof of Slack.
Slack is proof that the Conspiracy has not fully won.
📜 Closing
Community replies:
Rebuild it stranger.
THE RITE OF THE LONG UPTIME
(For celebrating stable infrastructure)
📜 Opening
Moderator:
A miracle has occurred.
The server still runs.
📜 Proclamation
Days without crash: [NUMBER]
Memory leaks: Contained
Services: Alive
Hope: Rising
📜 Blessing
May this uptime be envied by sysadmins.
May your patches be timely.
May your reboot be scheduled, not forced.
Community replies:
Slack preserves the process.
VI. THE RITE OF X-DAY REMEMBRANCE
(Annual July 5 forum ritual)
📜 Opening
The date has come again.
The Econocollapse was foretold.
The Conspiracy staggered but did not fall.
Yet we remember.
📜 Invocation
When the markets fail,
when debt devours nations,
when fiat becomes myth,
the Coin of Bob shall remain.
📜 Response
Community posts:
We are ready for the next X-Day.
📜 Closing
Until the ships arrive,
we build. We stack.
We meme. We prepare.