Pamphlet #1 · Rev. Ivan Stang · 1980

The World Ends Tomorrow
and YOU MAY DIE!

Well, no, probably not…but whatever you do, just keep reading!

TWELVE PAGES · THE TRACT THAT STARTED IT · the original 1980 scan

Are we controlled by secret forces?

Are alien space monsters bringing a startling new world?

Do people think you’re strange?

Do you?

…then you may be on the right track. “Unpredictables” are not alone — and possess amazing hidden powers of their own.

Are You Abnormal?

Yes! Your kind shall triumph!

If you are what they call “different” —
If you think we’re entering a new Dark Ages —
If you see the universe as one vast morbid sense of humor —
If you are looking for an inherently bogus religion that will condone superior degeneracy and tell you that you are “above” everyone else —
If you can help us with a donation —

…the Church of the SubGenius could save your sanity.

“You’d PAY to know what you REALLY think.”
— J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, 1961

Feeling like there’s just no Slack?

You may have “Snapped” already from the information disease. (“The sleep of reason begets monsters.”)

The Church of the SubGenius recognizes the programming. Look to the High Unpredictables of the Church for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization.

Perfect your subliminal vision. Edit your memory. Relive your reincarnality. SYNC UP.

This is the original Time Control program that has helped thousands to fear no longer the STARK FIST of REMOVAL. Become physically attractive — overnight.

The Curriculum

Now you, too, can speak to benevolent aliens at the Altar of X-ist Contact. Learn:

Frame Straightening
Body Repair
Gripe Elaboration
FunKQu
Frenzy Techniques
Excremeditation
The Essentials of Survival
Time Control

Attend End O’ The World Drills and Chance Labs. Learn to ’Tenlike. Evaluate the so-called “accidents” and “coincidences” in your timestream.

Acculturate yourself to the Church, where you will be isolated, given a new diet, a new set of habits, and an altered label and appearance.

Follow your follies and compulsions and become rich like us. Explore the “Zen” of stupidity. Channel chronic procrastination into life-saving paranoia. MAKE WASTE.

Find out who your Personal Saviors may be — and who are the False Prophets in your life. YES, YOU may be the SubGenius, master of the Stoogely Arts. Perform the Salute.

The most “NO WAY” new wage religion of them all. Brain-trust of our species.

What this doctrine eliminates

Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM, you can now miraculously eliminate compulsive urges such as:

smoking
lethargizing
overeating
insomnia
the inability to take drugs
constipation
old age
sex and money problems
baldness
illness
the Work Instinct
assouliness
painful shortage of SLACK

This is a certified religion of scorn and vengeance directed at all of THEM, the enemies of us Outsiders. It is “self-help” through scoffing and blaspheming, frenzied fornication and the Tumping of Graven Images. SUREAVOLUTION.

“Ignore the man behind the curtain.”
— Oz

The Church of the SubGenius is the ultimate secret order — the superior brain cult for those who “know better” but who demand, in the lust for greater Slack, an even better.

You read the whole thing

Now do something about it.

$44.99. Forever.

Ordain yourself — $44.99 → Read the original 1980 scan →

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