YOUR MOVE

“The superstitions of yesterday are the science of tomorrow.” —Dr. Van Helsing in DRACULA (1933)

“I AM THE ONE. Are you game? No matter—GRAB ’EM!” —“Bob” in the anti-Conspiracy comix story UNDER THE COVERS (Young Lust Comics, Kinney and Mavrides)

“All that Death Art of the 20th Century—it was great, but as it turned out it was ALL LIES.” —“Bob” in his great Final Speech, July 4, 1998

“I think he’s the “Doc Savage” of holy men.” —Ivan Stang on “Bob” on the David Letterman Show

“I know The SKOR.” —“Bob”

§A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM J.R. “BOB” DOBBS

My Dearest Friend and Supporter,

When I heard that you would be one of the readers of this Book, I was overjoyed in my heart, and moved to share something with you in this personal letter.

I have been watching you in the spirit while you have been reading. Let me tell you personally that it was a special joy to see you laugh and cry as you moved through the prophecies.

I am writing this on Christmas Eve, 16 B.X., and “Connie,” Bobby Jr. and all the rest of the family are here at home with me, sharing this blessed occasion. There has been so much Good News! Our Radio Ministry is reaching millions around the world now, and soon the Television Crusade will be seen via cable all over the nation. Stores have repeatedly sold out of our SubGenius T-shirts this gift season, and I am proud to say we have now sold over 10 million Sacred Pamphlets. NOT ONE WAS GIVEN AWAY, PRAISE YAHWEH—1!!

But, friend, there has been bad news with the good.

I feel you and I have many of the same goals, number one being SLACK! So perhaps you will understand. I feel impressed to hold you up in prayer right now because I know you are carrying a heavy burden—just as I am. I KNOW YOU IN THE SPIRIT, AND YOU WILL BELIEVE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. So let me share my burden with you.

This burden upon me—let’s keep it just between us. I’ve tried not to ruin this holiday for my family by letting them see how heavy my heart is.

My friend, within the next few weeks our delinquencies may cause us severe financial and spiritual hardships. The foreign ministries and End Times Training Grounds may be damaged and we may even have to close the Home for Slackless Children. Yes, it is true.

We are critically behind in payments to… well, let’s just call them our creditors. I hope that I will not have to go to prison again, as much as I love the prisoner and have walked in his shoes.

Now, your donations have done so much since you joined our family of Pilgrims to Slack. We have erected 27 new bunkers in Dobbstown, we have reached out with The Message to a world of needy listeners with the Radio Ministry, and we have disseminated the Trance Revelations bestowed on us by the Ascended Masters on Planet X.

But we must do more! We need money for ammo, coaching, housing and surgery for the gifted young (and old) ministers who have sworn to protect America against the Conspiracy machine throughout the 1980s.

But the deficits have hounded us.

Oh, the national economic depression has hurt us, of course, and many people have little in their pockets for their souls …but that is only a part of the problem.

The real problem, I believe, is the damage inflicted upon us by The Conspiracy.

Their first line of attack was to ignore us. That backfired, as you know. But for the past three years, I have been attacked almost daily in the press, and in person, by the Pinks, Nazis, liberal clergymen, pornographers, Normals, politicians, humanists, Communists, Right Wing kooks, countless religious fanatics, the Men In Black, the FBI, CIA, IRS … and many, many more.

Some SubGeniuses have believed the lies of our human enemies—have stopped supporting us. Once-upright ministers are backsliding into Normalcy every day. And now, even on Christmas Day, things look bleak indeed.

In fact, Dr. Drummond told me a little girl raised her hand in his last Sunday School class and asked him, “Dr. Drummond, is “Boh” dead”

Friend—am I dead?

§MY GOD!!

Well, my friend, I don’t know about you, but I don’t believe that WOTAN wants me silenced. I feel my calling as powerfully now as on the Day of my Emaculation.

But where is that financial miracle? WE CAN’T KEEP SAVING THE WORLD FOR NOTHING! With the Dateline for Dominance plan unfolding so well, how can we afford to let it all fall apart in These Last Days?? The future holds such promise!!

Friend, “Normals” don’t control anything. There are no “Normals!” NORMALCY ITSELF, the Sheep Factor, the Ball Cutter, controls everything. Without trying! Without knowing! THAT, my freind, is the real Conspiracy the real “Con,” the PAP SYSTEM that keeps you fiddling around and messing with a million things that don’t matter until you don’t think you can think anymore. WELL, YOU’RE WRONG!!

GIVE YOURSELF THE SLACK YOU DESERVE!! EXERCISE YOUR ABNORMALITY, SHOVE IT IN THEIR FACES, USE IT TO HUMILIATE THE SCUM THAT ARE JUST SITTING THERE STARING AT YOU LIKE YOU’RE NUTS!!

That’s what this Church is all about. I wasn’t afraid to look stupid, posing for all those ads back in the ’50s. I knew how it would look in 1984!! The End is coming, but with it comes a NEW DAWN!!

It won’t be easy, friend. They’ve been at this game a lot longer than we have. They’re pretty good with their mediafraud mass opinion manipulopiation, their internal security magadestabilization countermeasures, their subliminal rhetoric-based ESPionage disinformation projection. They’ve been at it long enough to make us look paranoid.

Their next step will be to try to assimilate us. They’ve tried direct bribery. Just the other day, They offered me another $20 million to turn over our mailing list so They could begin rounding up “weirdos.” But I am proud to say, my friend, that I looked that sneaky stiff-necked Pink right in the eye, and I peed on his shoes!! I will NOT give in; I will whup ’em, I WONT GO DOWN!! We shall HOUND them and HOUND them and nip at their heels ’till their ROTTEN DEAL finishes ROTTING!!

I refuse to live in fear just because the Illuminati are after me. I know their wicked ways. I’ll gladly admit that I’ve hobnobbed with many a Conspiracy oppressor in order to know all their Achilles’ Heels. And now that I’ve spoken of them so openly, they can no longer stifle the flow of resistance. We will BEAT their Conspiracy pruning shears into SWORDS and SPEARS that draw, YEA, not blood but SHAME, SHAME, for our spear is your very tongue!

But be careful how you fight, my friend. If you show all your cards, be ready for a fussilade from the enemy. Old friends, employers, the media, they’ll all put their own special cattle prods to you if you go around saying there could be a Conspiracy OR, ESPECIALLY, that there just could be an “anti-organization” that could stop Them. But, friend, They’ll be dangling the carrot of True Freedom in front of us for another million years unless we reach out and GRAB THE CARROT.

§YOUR PURPOSE ON EARTH

So KICK that Conspiracy Devil out of your life. SLAP YOURSELF until you KNOW you’re AWAKE! What you think, IS RIGHT!! You gotta GET OFF YOUR ASS, pardon my language. QUIT WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO “EXPLAIN” EVERYTHING TO YOU!! THERE IS NO EXPLANATION—that’s the whole first half of the EXPLANATION! STOP MAKING IT ALL SO COMPLICATED—TAKE THE SLACK! It was yours all along but The Conspiracy had you looking for something more EXPENSIVE! “The Answer” always was that you already had The Answer.

It’s much easier than They ever let you believe. We can use their overpopulation, their shortages, their fear and greed and humanist thinking AGAINST Them. Let their mistakes do our talking. All we need is Slack—Slack, and a “gun” of some kind, just to be sure. We can’t save America and the world on our knees.

The “gun” we hold is The Truth. The Truth is what we’re selling. And you know things have gotten out of hand when you have to sell The Truth.

REPENT—QUIT YOUR JOB—SLACK OFF! Wouldn’t you like a crack at the easy way out? Wouldn’t you rather ride out the Tribulation Period in the Cadillac of the Church instead of the bucking bronco of the System? Where’d you rather be when the O-bombs fall - clocking in at the old salt mine, or living it up in the nearest radiation-proof SubGenius Lodge? Because we’ll know when and where those bombs’ll fall before the bombs themselves know where they’re going.

You see, I have friends in high places.

Very high places. Places the Conspiracy never even heard of until they READ THIS BOOK!

The very fact that we’ve released these mere hints of The Final Information to the public will make the awesome chain of events unfold faster.

So HURRY! Write! Respond! TITHE!! This organization can’t negate organization itself without YOUR support! Only together can we possibly wrest control of our destinies from all those kneejerk, bleeding heart fascist two-faced lying sissy megamacho BLANDMEN and once more make this planet a haven for traditional family values, abnormality, and good old American-style SLACK.

Ask yourself—“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THIS WORLD??” Ask yourself, “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING ABOUT IT?”

§STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! QUIT LETTING THEM PUSH YOU AROUND! QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU’RE USED TO IT!!

Remember—if They already had total control, you wouldn’t even be reading this Book. You’re the one thing they haven’t finished with. It’s not too late to stop them—otherwise, why would they be clamping down so hard??

EXPOSURE can stop them. We’ll never be a majority, Praise Odin, but we can be a mighty powerful minority indeed—because, friend, even The Conspiracy is helpless against the Xists. Deep down inside, every Pink Boy knows that only we can do the wheeling and dealing when the Angelic Host descends for JUDGEMENT and CLEAN-UP!

On that promised day, when the giant Pipe-shaped spaceship lands on the White House lawn, when that great Hand comes down out of a hole in the clouds to lift us up, WILL YOU BE ABOARD??

We can keep things falling into pieces. It’s the knowledge the Con can’t fight.

§BLANKET THE WORLD WITH THIS BOOK!!

Buy FIVE COPIES—give ONE EACH to your CLOSEST FRIENDS. If only half of them do the same, within 3 years, 40 MILLION FIGHTIN’ MAD INDIVIDUAL UPRISINGS will SHAKE AMERICA FROM THE DEMON’S GRIP! From tiny ripples in a POND we can grow into JEHOVAH’S TIDAL WAVE OF PURIFICATION!!!

You don’t have to “fight,” you don’t have to “rant”—I’m not asking you to do that. Why, you don’t even have to be a salesman—THAT’S what this BOOK is for! WE do what we CAN—WOTAN does what we CAN’T.

The flow of History itself CAN be altered. We WILL kick the devil’s ass all the way to Dobbstown!

You finally have a chance to find out what “Slack” REALLY IS. DON’T BLOW IT! SIGN UP TODAY! Don’t water down the magick by waiting for “tomorrow”—there might not be one.

Help spread the SEED, brothers and sisters! Send me your prayers—send me your MONEY—SEND ME YOUR CHILDREN I swear by the Flaming Beard of the Allfather that those precious babes will keep the Original Slack they were born with.

Because, my friend—you know, in some ways, even though this great Church is that very One World Religion foretold in the Holy Bible, it’s also really just—and mark this well, my friend—it’s really just you when you were a little kid playing with all your toys at once on your bedroom floor years and years ago, it’s the games and little worlds you made up all by yourself, it’s you and your best friend as teenagers driving around on a Friday night imagining something “cool” to do, it’s all those moments when everything seemed just right, and in the end, my brothers and sisters, when every Conspiracy nuclear death-ray is pointed at the SubGeniuses and we make our final stand and the Xist Mother Ship comes down, THAT’S when the full power of all those perfect moments is unleashed, The Bleeding Head will suddenly come to life blinking and squinting into the TV lights; Dr. Philo Drummond, finally unmasked, will ride the Loch Ness plesiousaur bareback into Times Square leading an army of SubGenii, Third Worlders, barbarian homosexuals, and reformed Cops and Patriots, ALL ON ELEPHANT BACK, right into the jaws of the Computer Behemoth itself, right into the Belly of the Beast, and they will make it GAG, my

friend, because the perfect moments give you the power of escape from a two-bit Conspiracy job or a lousy childhood or a drug habit, YES, it’s the JOY of a 10 year old CHILD that the SubGeniuses HAVE that’s the antidote for PINKNESS, it’s the unspeakableness contained in the ABNORMALITY GENE, triggered by CONTACT with the CODE of the WORD, that pushes the first domino that topples the first of Their mirrored skyscrapers, THIS is what makes their nuclear reactors suddenly self-dismantle, plunging them into DARKNESS, THIS rips HELL out of mindless sheepwimp lifestyles and makes Armageddon something we can lay back and watch happen.

§GIVE US YOUR CHILDREN

My friend, THE LORD GOD JEHOVAH ONE HIMSELF put a FEVER in my BRAIN, and sometimes it makes it hard to get my message straight, but it puts me in DISCERNMENT, and right now it tells me in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that YOU were “snatched up” by ODIN when you were a child and placed in the mighty MAZE PATH of the CHOSEN. That Maze in spirit is rigid, it does not waver one iota, it is always the right place to be though you may be LOST in it; but in the real world, that Maze becomes for some reason easier to weasle through, because that Maze is actually made of Slack. We poor Earthlings can’t conceive of the reasons for the Experiment that’s being performed on us from afar, but I know that it’s TIED to the feelings you had as a kid playing alone on your bedroom floor, it’s TIED to YOUR BRAIN, which used to go into the world of those toys, and YOU CAN STILL ENTER THAT KINGDOM while a Pink can’t; YOU NEVER GREW UP, PRAISE RA! You can still make up your OWN RULES while that Pink is waiting for a Tit to drop on him from somewhere. You can enter his world any time you like but he doesn’t even know YOURS is THERE. WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU?? You may be only a yardman but YOU REALLY DO HAVE THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM. UTOPIA CAN HAPPEN NOW because we’ve FINALLY BEEN SHOWN that UTOPIA IS NOT PERFECTION AT ALL, BUT THE PLACE WHERE THE SCREW-UPS CAN HAPPEN; WOTAN has shown me this. We are drawn closer to Slack ALL THE TIME.

My friend, keep teaching the little ones right from wrong and left and right but DON’T pester them about perfection because “THE BEST” IS ALREADY HERE AND HAS BEEN ALL ALONG. GIVE THE CHILDREN SLACK.

Open that mystic eye of bulldada and LOOK YE where the FINGER of the FIST is POINTING; HEAD YE that way; once you finally start on that journey you’ll never have to worry about that damn thing crashing down on you again. It’s SLACK, my friend. Remembering the SLACK of your CHILDHOOD MIND will let you slide well-greased through that Luck Plane Maze while those poor blind Pinks grope around and push and try to FORCE OPEN that FAKE DOOR, skinning their knuckles and cussing at each other; but YOU just kind of “feel” your way past them, real nonchalantly, but GETTING THE HELL OUT NONETHELESS, and just leave those wretched devils back there in the sandtrap while you find The HOLE!

You may even HATE LIFE, but I know you do so out of LOVE. My Love and my Hate are all the same inside my head because WOTAN, my friend, DOES NOT CHANGE; no WOTAN DOES NOT

CHANGE, because WOTAN IS NOTHING BUT CHANGE; and all your love and hate, all your laughters and tears, they’re just TWO ENDS of the same balancing pole; I DID NOT CHOOSE FOR IT TO BE THIS WAY but there is a “B” on EA CH END and an “O” in the middle and through that “O” I know you can see distant landscapes, landscapes that haven’t happened yet, including the landscape of the WORLD OF THE SUBGENTUS, and the riverbeds, of the promised land.

I say now that I HAVE COME and that OTHERS SHALL COME AFTER ME.

JHVH-1 Himself gave to me the message of this BOOK, but ONLY so that YOU could see it. I am trembling before YAHWEH as I write this for you. I want you to know that I ‘know’ you in WOTAN more than words can say. I stand with you in prayer and agreement.

If you only will believe, nothing is impossible. I know that you will continue to hold me up before the lost masses as I continue this Great Work which ZEUS has commissioned me to do.

But we are so far behind in our payments. I sincerely believe that the future of the Slackville Liberty College and the Dobbs-town Old-Time Gospel Death Hour will be decided in the next few days. Will this Ministry “GO DOWN” because of Conspiracy attacks?

We are preparing to invade Russia with 5 million SubGenius Pamphlets. This airlift is a tremendous task. I cannot carry this burden alone, but your tithe could be my companion.

Friend, could you possibly send a gift or love offering of $20, which will earn you Membership and keep you in Stark Fist magazines throughout the Tribulations? Would you go out and buy more copies of this Book for your unsaved friends, and your friends’ friends? Or will you instead choose to keep the money and foresake SLACK?

I know in my heart what your decision will be. I have seen it already.

I care about you and will cleave to you until we see victory.

May JHVH-1 grant you Ultimate Slack on The Ropes of Life, and may He spare you His Stark Fist.

Untied in the fightin’ spirit, YOUR FRIEND,