Final Fallout from Legume's Little Joke

FINAL FALLOUT from LEGUME'S LITTLE JOKE

Subject: I don't believe any of this shit. From: ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey) Date: Sun, 29 Oct 1995 16:54:22 GMT

So-called "Legume" never died, never un-died, NEVER LIVED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

-- Rev. Matthew A. Carey VISION TEMPLE }{ TARZANA CALIFORNIA 18653 Ventura Blvd., Suite #379 Send $1 for a "First Hit" starter kit Tarzana, CA 91356 http://www.loop.com/~john/revmac/vt.html

Subject: Legume IS heavy metal! From: drastic@camelot.bradley.edu (Gary Achenbach) Date: 27 Oct 1995 11:59:48 -0500

Okay, so on the whole Legume's-dead-but-suddenly-resurrected-ha-ha affair. You've got roughly two groups of people here. The ones who are amused, and the ones who are pissed off. Me? Why, I just rush headlong into classification, dontcha know? Heuristic my ASS, pal. So he's dead and then he's back, which really, people, is not surprising. Fact is, it isn't even remotely original. Faked deaths have long been common in the real world, and they're certainly nothing new on the net.

Years back, before I found "Bob" I derived much inadvertent bulldada from the reading of a newsgroup then known roughly as alt.music.heavy.metal (this is paraphrased from memory.) See, the amusing thing on the group was that the bulk of the posts consisted of "<band> FUCKIN RULEZ!!!!1!! IF YOU DONT LIKE <band> YOU R A FUCKIN FAGGOT!!!!!!!!!!!!" There's a kind of cosmic humor in that. Now, at the time, this was the only newsgroup of the kind, so it caught traffic for posts about everything from SLAYER! (it's all inthe pronunciation) ten thousand bands who sound just /like/ SLAYER!, right down to the more markettable schlock like, god help us, Motely Crue. Glam metal bands were railed against by "true" metal fans as being "fuckin' posers." (This was the more manly and honestly non-intellectual equivalent of the railing of "true" industrial fans, who would refer to the more m more markettable schlock of THAT genre as "poseurs." See, quasi-french because real industrial fans were, um, BETTER than other people! Elitism is amusing in and of itself, but elitism based on musical tastes is award-winning absurdity.) Now, one figure rose above the milling leather-wearing, long-haired headbanging mob, to lead the <drum roll> WAR AGAINST POSERS. This figure was a poster by the name of "Suaron." People loved to hate him. He was low-brow entertainment at its finest. Then, suddenly, a message appeared by his roommate. Suaron had been in (brace yourselves) a car accident (hmm) and was no longer with us.

Pandemonium! Mourning! They didn't MEAN to hate him so much! He was witty and funny and his death is a loss to us all!

Can you guess what happens next? He comes back, resurrected and ready to lead the WAR AGAINST POSERS again. People rant and rail and applaud for some time. Then awhile later, it was discovered he was a Def Leppard fan, and his status as poser-basher was kind of discredited, and his fifteen minutes had ended.

Now, you have to give Legume some credit, as he carried the hoax on into the real world and stuff. Credit for what, I'm not sure. See, I don't give a fuck who got hurt and weepy at all this. I don't even care that hurting and making people weepy is quite arguably a cornerstone of Pinkness. I mean, hell, whatever the man derives Slack from. Slack is not sweetness and light, after all, Slack is a holy fire that crisps your brain to seared puddles of fat, Slack is HATE (not hate. HATE. There is a distinct difference in scale and quality and holiness.) What bugs me is that the whole affair wasn't remotely original. What bugs me further is that, even taking into account the greater preparation involved with hoaxing more than just the net, Suaron did it with greater flair and style. Think about this. Some fat loser from, I recall, DELPHI of all places (which was, a few years back, the AOL before AOL), masturbating to his Def Leppard tapes and posting simple-minded vitriol to a heavy metal newsgroup one-handedly, provided more bulldada then a supposed Yeti.

THAT offends me. And it makes me very suspicious.

I might have to break out my OR-SUIT and teach people what a REAL schisming
is.

-- The Reverend Gar Drastic aka Gary Achenbach aka drastic@camelot.bradley.edu "Do I advocate another revolution? What do you mean, -another-? We have yet to see the first. But it's coming." -- Edward Abbey

Subject: *??? Legume: CIA ???* From: Matthew Carey <ac118@lafn.org> Date: Mon, 30 Oct 1995 08:47:06 -0800

Is Legume the CIA mole in the Church of the SubGenius???

Find out what Vision Temple has revealed.

Only $1. Supplies are extremely limited.

-- Rev. Matthew A. Carey VISION TEMPLE }{ TARZANA CALIFORNIA 18653 Ventura Blvd., Suite #379 Send $1 for a "First Hit" starter kit Tarzana, CA 91356 http://www.loop.com/~john/revmac/vt.html I command you to vote in alt.config for ALT.RELGION.VISION-TEMPLE!

Subject: Re: Response to Legume-death critics From: clavis@ix.netcom.com (the Grand Clavister ) Date: 28 Oct 1995 00:29:49 GMT

In <46r98m$p2e@earth.superlink.net> mfritts@mars.superlink.net (Rev.
Matt Fritts) writes:

>
>Your fellow whiny-ass Jesus refers to the situation in Luke 15:32.
>
>Hey Legume, don't you just love being referred to in the bible?

For those who don't have a Bibble around for research/humor purposes:

Luke 15:32 = "It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead and is alive again; and was lost, and is found."

See separate post for a tract from Elements.

the Grand Clavister of NYC (and points Beyond)

-- --------------------------------------------------------------- THE GRAND CLAVISTER OF NYC (AND POINTS BEYOND) NEEDS YOUR KEYS! SEND AN SASE FOR INFORMATION ON JOINING THE WORLDWIDE CLAVISTIC NETWORK. KEYS OR $1 WILL AUTOMATICALLY GAIN YOU MEMBERSHIP INTO THIS VITAL ORGANIZATION! SEND IT ALL TO: O.L.I.N.Y.K., P.O. BOX 2559, GRAND CENTRAL STATION, NEW YORK NY 10163-2559. THANK YOU!

Subject: Re: MATION no show From: sphinx1@ix.netcom.com (Col. Sphinx Drummond ) Date: 4 Nov 1995 01:06:29 GMT

In a previous article, mation@aol.com (Mation) says: I didn't make it to the Legume memorial because I died about a month ago. Please send donations of any amount to:

>>PO BOX 3384
>>Kent, Ohio 44240

What?? You don't believe me??? Fuck you! You would think SubG's don't know what death is FOR!!!

ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey) writes: I think we should all fake our own deaths periodically, otherwise we'll end up having someone do it for us.

Actually I've been dead this whole time, I've just been faking my life.

Col. Sphinx Drummond TWSR
Commander of S.L.A.K.

Subject: Pastor X crawls out of his hole . . . From: pastorx@aol.com (Pastor X) Date: 27 Oct 1995 21:14:22 -0400

A Crash on the Information Superhighway: A Death in Cyberspace.

Boy, do I feel left out. Here I went to all the trouble and expense of helping Legume "die", and I haven't received ONE SINGLE FLAME! All of you are mad at him, but without me, IT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. From perusing through the alt.slack posts, I see that less then half of you "got it". The ones who didn't, well, they'll find some new weirdness to occupy them soon, I'm sure. And for all of you who feel "betrayed", don't. The good Doktor was merely helping you along the path of Slack by increasing your cynicism. I mean, how many of you had EVER heard from Pastor X before that post? But you all gobbled it up gullibly. Not only that, but he put some liver back in the Church. Made you, if you'll excuse the expression, people, open your eyes a little bit. Not that you could see much through the wool Legume pulled over them. As far as "hurt feelings" go, sorry you didn't have any pets when you were a kid. To be totally honest, I think there are some closet christians around here. I can smell 'em. This isn't some sweetness and light religion' you know. It's an INDUSTRIAL religion. That means it's dark, dank, loud and smelly. It cuts close to the bone.

As far as the "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" goes, I personally get a good chuckle out of stuff that leaves other people aghast. Everybody went on and on about how "Legume" would have wanted people to behave, but when HE went and behaved in that very same manner, out came the stones. Not that hypocrisy isn't a desirable, nay, NECESSARY, trait in a SubGenius, but CUT ME A BREAK. I'm sure a lot of you are only upset because he's not dead. He IS one formidable barrier on the Church ladder to the top. But if I were you, my advice is, "Don't get mad, get even". Just remember that Legume is the possessor of a mind not merely warped, but ACTUALLY BROKEN.

On the other hand, I'd like to thank all who gave their condolences and offered support. I haven't seen that kind of sincerity and spirit of sacrifice in, oh, two thousand years. If I were the kind of guy who said sorry, I would to you.

Pastor X

Subject: Re: Pastor X crawls out of his hole . . . Date: 29 Oct 1995 21:57:47 GMT From: nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie) Organization: Deathchick, Inc.

In article <4700le$okc@ionews.ionet.net>, bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar) wrote:

I don't have to get even. That would turn me into something I find repulsive. Stang told me long ago that even though SubGenii agree on many subjects, there are some of us that are just assholes to be around. I'm almost grateful to Legume for showing me just which ones fit that category. Then again, I would have preferred to pull the wool over my own eyes in that regard, for just a little longer. Oh well.

Well, that depends on what you percieve as being asshole-ish behavior. I personally think he's pretty damn fun to be around, but maybe I like certain types of assholes. To me, an asshole is someone that I've been nice to and who uses me or blows me off, and the good Dr. does not, in my opinion, fit into this category. Another thing that I think is asshole-ish are people that annoy me, but once again, this is purely subjective.

--
*you have been blessed by a communication from*
-----Rev. Nickie

Subject: Re: Pastor X crawls out of his hole . . . Date: Tue, 31 Oct 1995 16:58:05 GMT From: pkitty@netcom.com (Pee Kitty)

Tarla said it. Some SubGenii are assholes, and others are fun to be around. The one ULTRA-important thing she left out was that one Yeti's asshole is another's great person. Every SubGenii is going to like some Subs and get REALLY ANNOYED by others. But no Sub is going to be considered an asshole by everyone. Take Legume. You like him. Many others think he's an asshole. Doesn't mean he's Pink.

Although the comment that the only True SubGenii were the ones who got his joke was a comment that I'd expect from a Bobbie, at best. But everyone makes mistakes...I'll assume that that's just one of his mistakes--a minor one, in comparison. --

Rev. Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
Meow!

* FREE SUBGENIUS STUFF! FTP to ftp.netcom.com and cd /pub/pk/pkitty *

Subject: Re: Pastor X crawls out of his hole . . . Date: 30 Oct 1995 15:53:03 GMT From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews)

In a previous article, pastorx@aol.com (Pastor X) says:

On a more personal note, perhaps you should reread the post with a little more attention to what I'm saying than to what you want to hear. I really wish this were the kind of world where I could afford to worry about how everyone feels. But the simple truth is that you're going to offend SOMEONE no matter what you do.

Why go out of your way to piss people off, though? Especially those who could someday help you? That's what doesn't make sense.

>Once again, Don't get mad, get even. He'll appreciate it. It's consistant
>with his, uh, logic.

Hmmm... That's the thing though... Are we expected to start our little "plans to prank that big ole mean Mr. Dr. Legume"? Fuck that shit. I've learned my lesson. I'll leave it in the hands of others to copycat Legume's little schemes to "teach that big meanie a lesson right back..."

$T.&REUX, KSC

I see now by the responses who I'd rather be in Vahalla with.

Subject: Re: Pastor X crawls out of his hole . . . Date: 30 Oct 1995 15:58:21 GMT From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews)

In a previous article, nickie@mars.superlink.net (Rev. Nickie) says:

To me, an asshole is someone that I've been nice to and who uses me or blows me off, and the good Dr. does not, in my opinion, fit into this category. Another thing that I think is asshole-ish are people that annoy me, but once again, this is purely subjective.

Bingo, Nickers! That's the first thing I've read you type about this whole thing that isn't fucked.

Your definition of "asshole" fits Legume nicely, at least in MY SUBJECTIVE VIEW. I respected the man, thought he was a good preacher, thought "Damn, glad he's on OUR side." So, what does he do? Proves to us that we have NO SIDE whatsoever.

He's still a decent preacher. That doesn't change.

But the respect, I don't know... I don't care if HE cares or not, or YOU care, my dear... This is a SUBJECTIVE gripe. Keep that in mind before you start pointing fingers.

$T.&REUX, KSC
OGYR NETWORK ONLINE

Subject: Re: Pastor X crawls out of his hole Date: 31 Oct 1995 03:17:42 GMT From: nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie)

In a previous article, saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews) says:

But the respect, I don't know... I don't care if HE cares or not, or YOU

care, >my dear... This is a SUBJECTIVE gripe. Keep that in mind before you start >pointing fingers.

Like I wasn't saying that all along. Like, duh. It's just that you took
this long to get it.

But, I will gripe about anything I want. And there are very few people here who may call me "dear". You are not one of them. Whoop!!! Whoop! KISS MY ASS!!

I POINT MY FINGER AT YOU!!!!! HA-HAAA!! I'm doing it right now, and you can't stop me!!!! WHY DON'T YOU PULL IT!? Afraid? You should be! WHAAAHAAAha!

I pray to Jesus that you get AIDS.

-- *you have been blessed by a communication from* -----Rev. Nickie, FUCKING GODDESS

Subject: Re: Pastor X crawls out of his hole Date: 1 Nov 1995 15:25:35 GMT From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews)

In a previous article, nickie@mars.superlink.net (Rev. Nickie) says:

>Like I wasn't saying that all along. Like, duh. It's just that you took
>this long to get it.

Oh don't worry, Nickers... I got it alright. I got it when they told the punchline. I just don't find it funny. Does that make sense to you now? Is it clear in your little mind now?

I POINT MY FINGER AT YOU!!!!! HA-HAAA!! I'm doing it right now, and you can't stop me!!!! WHY DON'T YOU PULL IT!? Afraid? You should be! WHAAAHAAAha!

*sigh* "Act like a dumbshit and they'll treat you as an equal."

>I pray to Jesus that you get AIDS.

Recurring theme or did you dream this one up last night and thought
it was catchy?

$T.&REUX, KSC

Subject: Re: Your Last Word on the Legume Debacle Date: 8 Nov 1995 22:43:51 GMT From: gggor@io.com (gggor) Organization: greenhelle

In article <47gi4a$797@what.whytel.com>, Robert/Lisa Garland <rlgarland@why.net> says:
>

I would be pleased, nay HONORED to be the objective person to check your predictions, having come into alt.slack AFTER all this fertilizer hit the proverbial fan. Someone just write me and tell me what this Legume thing is all about and I'll tell you how stupid I think it is.

It was a lot of brouhaha and not enough hoo-haha, you didn't miss anything. The only thing of import that occured during your absence was that four out of five DOKTORS declared alt.slack to be officially braindead. I'm sure Stang will be publishing "The Legume Affair" toot-sweet. Neanwhile Nenslo has done a shufti, Sterno's La Tourette syndrome has burned him out and Philo has a badly swollen testicle. PuzzEv's midlife crisis continues, racists attack and are repelled, Burning Man has come and gone. Stang is in ShowBiz now (trying to get Warner? Disney? to buy the Church), Zoogz has died of a surfeit of Spammage..Sister Tarla is still a rock of sardonicism in a sea of mushy platitudes, Sphinx Drummond is worried about buttock hairs, Blackmer posts while drinking and just like whistling while you're pissing, you can't do both things they way they should be done simultaneously. Dyanasoar and Modemac guard our souls and mental health, Rev PKitty alternately purrs and scratches, Rev Nickie had a growth but is getting better, WillO'Dobbs is STILL fucking up the mail orders and you have returned as has Iceknife. NewDoktors abound and so does a whole lot of new and generally inane bullshit...things just don't change too much around here,

"By the way, how are things in your town?"--Ken Nordine..1959

GG(Lateworldnewsroundup)Gordon

Subject: You won't believe this... Date: Fri, 27 Oct 1995 04:33:23 GMT From: ac118@lafn.org (Matthew Carey)

In the "wake" of all this Legume malarkey, you'll probably think I'm lying, but I just got off the phone with P-Kat. He got arrested for that assault he launched against the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The charges are malicious mischief, felony vandalism, destruction of city property (I know, it doesn't make any sense) and reckless endangerment (the bleach guns.)

He said his lawyer says he can get him community service for a first
offence.

One result of this fiasco is that he has had to move in with his grandmother in Orlando. She has no computer. His account is still active, but he can't get to it, so it will be a while before he reappears on alt.slack. Also, you shouldn't email his account because he has a 2-meg limit on his email box, which was one-quarter full when he last checked it.

And I'm supposed to tell you "hi," too.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 29 Oct 1995 19:54:14 GMT From: eraserhead@iglou.iglou.com (David Lynch)

Uh, since this technically was a Subgenius operation, should we make a horribly botched attempt at a coverup, or something?

-- eraserhead@iglou.com / Not the dead director / Tape trades welcome See the Soap WWW page at: http://www.rahul.net/ndanger/soap/soap.html

Date: 30 Oct 1995 23:00:24 GMT From: jch9334@is2.nyu.edu (Kid Ginsu)

Rev. Nickie (nickie@mars.superlink.net) wrote:

: YEAH, I'd fucking say so. Especially since it wasn't sanctioned by The : Foundation itself, although they could "technically" get in serious : trouble because somebody had to go make an ass of themself in the name of : "Bob", if they think it was officially supported or not. Organizations get : in trouble all the time for shit thier zealots do on thier own. : -- : *you have been blessed by a communication from* : -----Rev. Nickie

Weelll...I'd say the Foundation has had its share of Zealots Peeing in the Mouth of "Bob". There's probabally some kind of proviso lying around Foundation HQ in a red plastic folder, right?

Keep It Up,
Kid Ginsu

Date: 1 Nov 1995 23:50:13 GMT From: nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie)

In article <pkittyDHBn3p.MAu@netcom.com>, pkitty@netcom.com (Pee Kitty) wrote:

After all this shit with legume, you TRUST the foundation? I guess some people never learn...even when Legume is driving it into them with huge red straps...

UHHHH...ohhhhh...yess, speak MORE of the RED STRAPS.....

-- *you have been blessed by a communication from* -----Rev. Nickie, FUCKING GODDESS

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