Is it true about Stang's death????

From: creeps@my-dejanews.com Newsgroups: alt.slack Subject: Is it true about Stang's death???? Date: Wed, 08 Jul 1998 21:07:06 GMT

Yes, that's right, E-mail us RIGHT NOW and send us your snail mail address and climb on board the NEW church of the subgenius. We promise ACTION, not hollow words and compromises.

"WATCH two chicks roll around in fake blood?? Hell, I'd rather BE two chicks rolling around in fake blood!!" - J.R."Bob" Dobbs

We promise DIRECT, CUT-THRU-THE-DUNG paths to money, sex, thrills, eternal salvation or something damn near it, and all that splop. Best of all, WE DON'T CHARGE A FRIGGIN' CENT for membership even as we deliver tenfold the results.

Did you quit your job because you really thought SOMETHING big was planned for X-Day? Sure, only pinks and saps really expected that there would really be saucers to take them to another planet, but didn't you expect SOMETHING was in the works, besides just another stupid party in the woods with Stang? Now your life is in ruin thanks to false "Bob"s? Want to hit the road and lead a life of adventure? COME ON DOWN TO DOBBSTOWN. We promise more adventure than you can handle. CAN U TAKE IT???

Don't believe it? You'd better. The next sound you hear will be that of LOU entering from the rear, and he's packin' a lunch like Milton Berle.

Dobbstown, P.O.Box 75, Renfro Valley, KY 40473

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From: Unit4@Sputum.Com (Doktor DynaSoar)

In alt.slack creeps@my-dejanews.com wrote:

^WE DON'T CHARGE A FRIGGIN' CENT for membership

Then it's a sad, wimpy little cult you've got there. How can you control their minds if you can't control their money? I can create better cults than this several times a day, every day.

Amateurs.

-- (@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius

From: Prime@ni.net (Jeffrey Smith)

And you do, although I have a three-cult lead this week. My average is getting closer to yours...

**** **** **** **** SubGenius Police, Usenet Tactical Unit (Mobile), aka S.P.U.T.U.M. Unit CLXXXVII: "Primum Nocere Parahuman Ragnarok Initiators,METAsysop Element http://www.sputum.com/

From: creeps@my-dejanews.com

First, J.S.Holland wrote:

"WE DON'T CHARGE A FRIGGIN' CENT for membership."

.....and then "Doktor Dynasoar Iridium" opined:

"Then it's a sad, wimpy little cult you've got there. How can you control their minds if you can't control their money? I can create better cults than this several times a day, every day.

Amateurs. -- (@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius"

and then I am moved to respond:

=== Oh. YEAH. Better cults like...."Clench of the One True Pipe Dream"? How long did it take ya to think up THAT one? Or the "ElectroChurch of the SubGenius"? That's real darn nice, kid, now go get your shine kit. "Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot"? "Scienfictiontologist"? You are SO DARN CLEVER; how do you think all this stuff up? NEAT-O! You must be the darling of all the comic book conventions. And your cute funny church name, "DynaSoar Iridium", that's so FUNNY, oh stop, you're KILLIN' me, hyuk hyuk hyuk! If we all make up our own FUNNY CULTS and give ourselves FUNNY NAMES and talk about "frop" and 'slack" and "pink boys", we'll all have some bad craziness, won't we, as Stang picks our pockets silently like a fruity pebble in the cocoa night.

See, punk, this time it REALLY IS a NEW DAWN, only the true mother church - MINE - no longer requires your money or your cooperation. The fat is being trimmed and your name is Porky. We're going to take the light sweet crunchy love of "Bob" and ram it up the chute of the zeit, with or without you devival-heads. We're doing this for YOU, y'know. Cause you won't do it for yourselves. The Con wants to FRY you in your own couch-potato fat, but "Bob" wants to SAVE you. And just as soon as he can find his keys, he will.

We don't WANT to control your minds, fool - that's too easy. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. It's like shooting Oswald as Texas police hold him still. What makes you think your minds are worth the effort, anyway? We have our OWN minds and have no use for yours, not even as mulch. You're either on the bus or off the bus, but make thy decision fast, Nobita.

Dobbstown, P.O.Box 75, Renfro Valley, KY 40473

Write for FREE membership and tell us what you want from "Bob"....you just might ACTUALLY GET IT this time. Or e-mail us at creepsrecords@hotmail.com.....

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From: Sketchy Albedo <revjack@radix.net>

:and then I am moved to respond:

:BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK :BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK :BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK :BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK :BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK :BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK :BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

Yah, but DynaSoar is *funny*. You, so far, ain't. Is your new Church
FUNNY?

--
_________________
revjack@radix.net
Use fewer notes

From: e/wbear@hibernia.ca (e/w bear)

> creepsrecords@hotmail.com.....
>

Ask not what "Bob" can do for you...

Your Brave New Cult is gonna get five miles down the road then you're gonna
run out of gas and have to walk back to town because Bro, you are running
on empty.
---
ewb

From: jheikkil@highlander.cbnet.ns.ca (saint bubba of the avocados)

In article <6o2v1b$n1g$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com>, creeps@my-dejanews.com BABBLED and generally incoherently mumbled:

and then I am moved to respond:

<snip>

We're going to take the light sweet crunchy love of "Bob" and ram it up the chute of the zeit

^^^ is this like, you know, a body part?? im afraid ive never heard of it before, so im sorta curious as to where the hell it is, 'cause, if its got a chute...that means ive got a NEW ORIFICE i dint know anything about....

Write for FREE membership and tell us what you want from "Bob"....you just might ACTUALLY GET IT this time. Or e-mail us at creepsrecords@hotmail.com.....

but what if what i REALLY REALLY TRULY wont from "Bob" is to gfet front row tickets of you stapling your lips together with lobster trap wire and carefully removing the skin from ALL YOUR FINGERTIPS so that only the bone is remaining...what's the chance of geting that??

st. bubba

From: TheCharlie <charliec@cybernex.net>

creeps@my-dejanews.com wrote:
>
> === Oh. YEAH. Better cults like...."Clench of the One True Pipe Dream"? How
> long did it take ya to think up THAT one? Or the "ElectroChurch of the
> SubGenius"? That's real darn nice, kid, now go get your shine kit. "Yetii
> Genetii Research InstiToot"? "Scienfictiontologist"? You are SO DARN CLEVER;
> how do you think all this stuff up? NEAT-O! You must be the darling of all
> the comic book conventions. And your cute funny church name, "DynaSoar
> Iridium", that's so FUNNY, oh stop, you're KILLIN' me, hyuk hyuk hyuk! If we
> all make up our own FUNNY CULTS and give ourselves FUNNY NAMES and talk about
> "frop" and 'slack" and "pink boys", we'll all have some bad craziness, won't
> we, as Stang picks our pockets silently like a fruity pebble in the cocoa
> night.

Damn.. and here I thought he was gonna make a point or something..

From: geoffrey.v.bronner@dartmouth.edu (Geoffrey V. Bronner)

In article <6o0n1q$6as$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com>, creeps@my-dejanews.com wrote:

Yes, that's right, E-mail us RIGHT NOW and send us your snail mail address and climb on board the NEW church of the subgenius. We promise ACTION, not hollow words and compromises.

The "NEW" church? That's the best you can come up with? Not even something like "The Reformed Church of the SubGenius" ???

We promise DIRECT, CUT-THRU-THE-DUNG paths to money, sex, thrills, eternal salvation or something damn near it, and all that splop. Best of all, WE DON'T CHARGE A FRIGGIN' CENT for membership even as we deliver tenfold the results.

I hate to be anal but 10 times nothing is... nothing. You know: zippo,
squat, zero.

For that matter... 10 times infinity is still infinity. So if you're promising ten times as much "eternal salvation" I have to say this looks like a lame and obvious scam. I mean, eternal salvation for $30 seems reasonable. Eternal salvation 10 times over for free sounds like a load of dung.

Did you quit your job because you really thought SOMETHING big was planned for X-Day? Sure, only pinks and saps really expected that there would really be saucers to take them to another planet, but didn't you expect SOMETHING was in the works, besides just another stupid party in the woods with Stang? Now your life is in ruin thanks to false "Bob"s? Want to hit the road and lead a life of adventure? COME ON DOWN TO DOBBSTOWN. We promise more adventure than you can handle. CAN U TAKE IT???

So let me make sure I'm following you here... only "pinks and saps" were dumb enough to expect the saucers. And you're trying to recruit people who threw their life away because they expected the saucers. So your "NEW" church is for pinks?

Where the hell is the fun in that? If you're gonna found a pink church you really should be stealing money from them too!

>Don't believe it? You'd better.

Oops... too late.

By the way.... where the hell is Stang? Did he have a private saucer
shuttle or something?

-Geoff
--
<http://www.dartmouth.edu/~geoffb/>

From: Pee Kitty <Pkitty@mariner.cris.com>

creeps@my-dejanews.com spewed forth:

=== Oh. YEAH. Better cults like...."Clench of the One True Pipe Dream"? How long did it take ya to think up THAT one? Or the "ElectroChurch of the SubGenius"? That's real darn nice, kid, now go get your shine kit. "Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot"? "Scienfictiontologist"? You are SO DARN CLEVER;

It's a sad, dumb person who can't tell the difference between a clench and
a cult and a church.

Anyways, you get what you pay for. I don't trust no one who isn't after my
wallet....

Rev. Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
Meow!

::: Official Martyr of X-Day! <http://www.cris.com/pkitty/xday98>

From: mbaranczak@FuckSpam.earthlink.net (Mike Baranczak)

In article <6o6geu$29n@examiner.concentric.net>, Pee Kitty <Pkitty@mariner.cris.com> wrote:

> creeps@my-dejanews.com spewed forth:
> > === Oh. YEAH. Better cults like...."Clench of the One True Pipe Dream"? How
> > long did it take ya to think up THAT one? Or the "ElectroChurch of the
> > SubGenius"? That's real darn nice, kid, now go get your shine kit. "Yetii
> > Genetii Research InstiToot"? "Scienfictiontologist"? You are SO DARN CLEVER;
>
> It's a sad, dumb person who can't tell the difference between a clench and
> a cult and a church.

Fuck that, I'm joining them all. I got to keep my ass covered.

> Anyways, you get what you pay for. I don't trust no one who isn't after my
> wallet....

There's an article in the NY Times about some small Turkish town that claims to be the hometown of the ORIGINAL St. Nicholas. (July 9 Anno Xist 1, page A4) The guy was a local bishop who died in 323 AD; he was buried in a stone crypt in the church (which was then renamed in his honor). The crypt was then filled with scented oil, which slowly percolated downward until it seeped out through cracks at the bottom; the priests would collect the Magic Santa Potion, and sell it to pilgrims. Apparently, they made pretty good money that way. Well, holy relics were a big status symbol in the middle ages - if you had, say, the thumb of Saint Guido, or the shinbone of Saint Aretha, or whatever, you got major props in the community. A lot of people forget, but Christianity used to be A LOT kinkier than it is now. The Vatican still has warehouses full of that shit, but they don't like to talk about it (and I can't really blame them...)

My point is this: now that Stang's finally dead, we might be able to make a few bucks on his rotting carcass. Chopping him up and selling off the parts would be the quickest way, but it seems to me that the infusion method described above has greater long-term profitability. Just marinate the fucker in a big barrel of whiskey... The Bobbies will gladly pay 30 or 40 bucks for one-ounce nips of Holy Stangbooze. Even after considering the liquor tax, state permits, labor costs and so, we're looking at a positively OBSCENE profit margin. I'd be perfectly willing to co-ordinate the whole enterprise, of course... But I'm gonna need some help with locating the actual body.

Anyone have any info?
- MB

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