Disputation on the Power and Efficacy of Eternal Life Sales Commonly

Known as the 95 Theses

By St. Fathertom

*walks back out with his hammer and nails, and posts this on his door..*

From: fathertom <pukka@ynnmail.com>
Date: Fri, Jun 30, 2000

Out of love and concern for the truth, and with the object of eliciting it, the following heads will be the subject of a public discussion on IRC under the presidency of the reverend prophet, Fathertom, Slackinian, Master of Slack and Sacred Theology, and duly self appointed Lecturer on these subjects in that place. He requests that whoever cannot be present personally to debate the matter orally will do so in absence in writing.

1. When our Lord and Master, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, said "Slack", He called for the entire life of believers to be one of slackfullness. 2. The word cannot be properly understood as referring to the sacrament of slack, i.e. the paying of money, as administered by the clergy. 3. Yet its meaning is not restricted to slacking in one's heart; for such penitence is null unless it produces outward signs of slack of the flesh. 4. As long as pure slack abides (i.e. true inward laidbackness) the penalty of slacklessness abides, viz., until we die. 5. The Church higher ups has neither the will nor the power to give any slack beyond those of Subgenius knowledge. 6. The Church higher ups themselfs cannot remit slacklessness, but only declare and confirm that it has been remitted by "Bob". 7. "Bob" never remits slacklessness to anyone without, at the same time, making them humbly submissive to the Slack, His representative. 8. The force of Slack apply only to men who are still alive, and, can never be felt by the weak of mind. 9. Accordingly, the Slack Spirit, acting in the person of the Church higher ups, should manifests grace to us, by the fact that the Curch regulations always cease to apply to the weak of mind. 10. It is a wrongful act, due to ignorance, when The Church hands out Slack for the mentally dead. 11. When Salvation was changed and made to apply to the mentally dead, surely it would seem that tares were sown while the Church was asleep.

12. In former days, the Salvation was given, after the true love of Slack was shown; and were intended to be test of "Bob". 13. Mentally dead people put an end to all the claims of the Slack; even the Backsliden Subgenius are already dead to slack, and are no longer worthy of it. 14. Defective slack in a backsliden person is necessarily accompanied by great remorce for the lessened slackthey have, which is greatest where the slack is least. 15. This fear or horror is sufficient in itself, whatever else might be said, to constitute the pain of lessened slack, since it approaches very closely to the horror of despair of living a life with no slack at all. 16. There seems to be the same difference between no slack, lessened slack, and pure slack as between despair, uncertainty, and assurance. 17. Of a truth, the pains of lessened slack ought to be abated, and the lust of slack ought to be proportionately increased. 18. Moreover, it does not seem proved, on any grounds of reason, that these souls are outside the state of slack, or unable to grow in it's grace. 19. Nor does it seem proved to be always the case that they are certain and assured of salvation, even if we are very certain ourselves, even with there 30 dollars. 20. Therefore the Church higher ups, in speaking of the plenary Slavation, does not mean "all" in the strict sense, but only those imposed by himself. 21. Hence those who preach Eternal Salvation for 30 dollars are in error when they say that a Subgenius is absolved and saved from slacklessness. 22. Indeed, he cannot remit to the mindless pinks any penalty which "Bob" declares should be suffered in slacklessness. 23. If slack could aurbatrily be granted to anyone at all, it would be only in the cases of the most perfect, i.e. to very few. 24. It must therefore be the case that the major part of the people are deceived by that indiscriminate and high-sounding promise of relief from slacklessness. 25. The same power as the Church higher ups exercises in general over slack is exercised in particular by every single Reverand in his flock. 26. The Church does excellently when it grants remission of Slack on account of intercessions made on their behalf, and not by the power of the keys (which he cannot exercise for them). 27. There is no Bobianan authority for preaching that the slacklessness flies out of the body immediately the money clinks in the bottom of the chest. 28. It is certainly possible that when the money clinks in the bottom of the chest avarice and greed increase; but when the Church offers intercession, all depends in the will of "Bob". 29. Who knows whether all Subgenius wish to be redeemed in view of what is said of St. Bubba (Note:. The legend is that he was willing to endure the pains of slacklessness for short times to gain good frop.).

30. No one is sure if the reality of his own contrition, much less of receiving slack. 31. One who _bona fide_ buys Eternal Life is a rare as a _bona fide_ Subgenius, i.e. very rare indeed. 32. All those who believe themselves certain of their own salvation by means of a payment of 30 dollars, will be eternally damned, together with their teachers. 33. We should be most carefully on our guard against those who say that the Church's "Salvation" are an inestimable divine gift, and that a man is reconciled to "Bob" by them. 34. For the grace conveyed by this "Salvation" relates simply to the penalties of Slacklessness decreed merely by man. 35. It is not in accordance with Subgenius doctrines to preach and teach that those who buy off souls, or purchase confessional licences, have no need to repent of their own slackless lifes and keep going on as slackless con vampyres. 36. Any Subgenius whatsoever, who is truly Slackful, enjoys plenary remission from penalty and guilt, and this is given him without 30 dollar Eternal Salvation. 37. Any true Subgenius whatsoever, living or dead, participates in all the benefits of "Bob" and the Church; and this participation is granted to him by "Bob" without a cheap paper membership card. 38. Yet the Church's remission and dispensation are in no way to be despised, form as already said, they proclaim the Bobianan remission. 39. It is very difficult, even for the most learned theologians, to extol to the people the great bounty contained in the Salvation, while, at the same time, praising contrition as a virtue. 40. A truly contrite slackless bastard seeks out, and loves to pay, the penalties of his slacklessness; whereas the very multitude of dumb ass con tend to hate the penalties of slacklessness. 41. Eternal Salvation should only be preached with caution, lest people gain a wrong understanding, and think that they are preferable to other good works: those of love. 42. Subgeni should be taught that the Church does not at all intend that the purchase of Eternal Salvation should be understood as at all comparable with the works of Slack. 43. Subgeni should be taught that one who sleep most of the day, or Does what he needs to not any more, does a better action than if he purchase Eternal Salvation. 44. Because, by love of slack, slack grows and a subgenii becomes a better subgenii; whereas, by slacklessness, he does not become a better subgenii, but only becomes a mere man. 45. Subgenii should be taught that he who is a slackless person, but does nothing about it although he gives his 30 dollars, gains no benefit from the Church's Salvation, but only incurs the wrath of "Bob". 46. Subgenii should be taught that, unless they have less than they need, they are bound not to steal other's slack, nor should they in anyway squander it on crap. 47. Subgenii should be taught that they purchase Salvation voluntarily, and are not under obligation to do so. 48. Subgenii should be taught that, in granting indulgences, the pope has more need, and more desire, for devout prayer on his own behalf than for ready money. 49. Subgenii should be taught that the pope's Curches Salvation is useful only if one does not rely on it for slack, but most harmful if one loses the fear of "Bob" through them. 50. Subgenii should be taught that, if the Church knew the exactions of the Eternal Salvation for 30 dollars, They would rather the church of "Bob" were reduced to ashes than be built with the skin, flesh, and bones of the sheep. 51. Subgenii should be taught that the Church would be willing, as he ought if necessity should arise, to sell the church of "Bob", and give, too, his own money to many of those whom have lessened there Slack by, the love of money and not Slack. 52. It is vain to rely on salvation by money, even if the commissary, or indeed the Curch higher ups themselfs, were to pledge their own soul for it's validity. 53. Those are enemies of "Bob" and the Church who forbid the word of "Bob" to be preached at all in some churches, in order that Eternal Salvation for 30 Dollars may be preached in their select few 54. The word of "Bob" suffers injury if, in the same sermon, an equal or longer time is devoted to The buying of Slack than to that word. 55. The Church cannot help taking the view that if "Salvation" (very small matters) are celebrated by one bell, one pageant, or one ceremony, the words of "Bob" (a very great matter) should be preached to the accompaniment of a hundred bells, a hundred processions, a hundred ceremonies. 56. The treasures of the Church, out of which the Church higher ups sell off as Slack is merly a temporal good feeling not true Slack. 57. Note, that these treasures are temporal and are not Slack as these merchants of Slack would want you to Believe. 58. Nor are they the merits of "Bob" and the True Slack, because, even apart from the Church, these merits are always working grace in the inner Subgenii. 59. St. Pukka said that there were the treasures of the church, but the Post Office lost them. 60. We do not speak rashly in saying that the treasures of the church, but St. Pukka seemed to have a problem with them. 61. For it is clear that the power of the Church suffices, by itself, has no real power, but through the Glory of Slack. 62. The true treasure of The Church is the Holy gospel of the glory of "Bob" and the grace of "Bob". Not the right to live eternaly. 63. It is right to regard this treasure as most odious, for it makes the first to be the last. 64. On the other hand, the treasure of Eternal Salvation is most acceptable, for it makes the last to be the first. 65. Therefore the treasures of the word of "Bob" are nets which, in former times, they used to fish for Subgenii's wealth. 66. The treasures of Eternal Salvation are the nets to-day which they use to fish for Subgenii's wealth. 67. The eternal salvation, which the merchants of Slack extol as the greatest of favours, are seen to be, in fact, a favourite means for money-getting.. 68. Nevertheless, they are not to be compared with the grace of "Bob" and compassion that will be shown on XXX-Day . 69. Saints and Reverands, in duty bound, must receive the commissaries of the Churches Salvation with all reverence; 70. But they are under a much greater obligation to watch closely and attend carefully lest these men preach their own fancies instead of what the Slack moves them to preach. 71. Let him be anathema and accursed who denies the apostolic character of a Slack filled Reverand. 72. On the other hand, let him be blessed who is on his guard against the slacklessnessness and licence of the "Salvation"-merchant's words.

73. In the same way, the Church rightly excommunicates those who make any plans to the detriment of the Slack of others. 74. It is much more in keeping with his views to excommunicate those who use the pretext of Eternal Salvation to plot anything to the detriment of the pure love and truth of Slack. 75. It is foolish to think that price of Eternal Salvation has so much power that it can absolve a Pink, con, or man. 76. We assert the contrary, and say that the Eternal Salvation are not able to remove the least venial of Slacklessness as far as anything is conserned. 77. When it is said that not even "Bob" himself , if he were still alive now, could grant a greater grace, it is blasphemy against "Bob" and the Church. 78. We assert the contrary, and say that he, and any church member whosoever, possesses greater graces, viz., the gospel, spiritual powers, gifts of healing, etc., as is declared by a bar drunk in 1957. 79. It is blasphemy to say that the pipe of "Bob" is of equal value to the spreading of slack to the masses and that his pipe is owned by anyone but "Bob". 80. The bishops, curates, and Bobologians, who permit assertions of that kind to be made to the people without let or hindrance, will have to answer for it. 81. This unbridled preaching of "Salvation" for money makes it difficult for learned men to guard the respect due to the Church against false accusations, or at least from the keen criticisms of the laity; 82. They ask, e.g.: Why does not the Church liberate everyone from death for the sake of lslack (a most holy thing) and because of the supreme necessity of their souls? This would be morally the best of all reasons. Meanwhile he redeems innumerable souls for money, a most perishable thing, with which to build "Bob"'s church, a very minor purpose. 83. Again: Why should the hate of Slackfull people continue when the curch alows, the con to infultrate it for money, while the rightious go punished. 84. Again: Surely this is a new sort of compassion, on the part of "Bob" and the Church, when an impious man, an enemy of "Bob", is allowed to pay money to redeem a soul, a enemy of Slack; while yet that devout and beloved soul is not allowed to worship, for slack's sake, and just because of its need to conform to the non-conformists. 85. Again: Why are the Church higher ups so conserned with who owns "Bob" pipe and who owns "Slack" and not more conserned with slack. 86. Again: since Church's income to-day from true believers is larger than that of the wealthiest of wealthy men, why does he not build this one church of "Bob" with his own money, rather than with the money of indigent believers? 87. Again: What does the Church, speak ill against people who have never asked for a dollar for them self, but all of there money and others to go to "Bob"? 88. Again: Surely a greater good could be done to the church if the Church were to bestow these moneys on the poor Slacker, so then there life could more center on slack, then nessary anti-slack. 89. What the Church seeks by Eternal Salvation is not money, but rather the salvation of souls and the promotion of Slack; why then does it not just give it free to the truely slack full. 90. These questions are serious matters of conscience to the laity. To suppress them by force alone, and not to refute them by giving reasons, is to expose the church and the Subgenii to the ridicule of their enemies, and to make Subgenii a slack lessened people. 91. If therefore, Slack and Slavation were preached in accordance with the spirit and mind of the "Bob", all these difficulties would be easily overcome, and indeed, cease to exist. 92. Away, then, with those prophets who say to "Bob"'s people, "Peace, peace," where in there is no peace. 93. Hail, hail to all those prophets who say to "Bob"'s people, "Slack, Slack," where there is no Slack. 94. Subgenii should be exhorted to be zealous to follow "Bob", their Head, through penalties, deaths, and hells; 95. And let them thus be more confident of entering the Pleasure Ships through many tribulations rather than through a false assurance of money.

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