The SubGenius Foundation · copyright 1980
Pamphlet #1
4 PAGES · 21 ILLUSTRATIONS · THE ORIGINAL TRACT
This is the pamphlet itself — not a retelling. It was published on the web as four separate pages joined only by little forward arrows, so anyone arriving at the first page saw a fraction of it and left. All four are here in order, with the original artwork in the positions it was drawn for.
The HTML transcription was made by Rev. Noah J. Stewart of the Church of the Befuddled Biped, “duplicated in HTML as accurately as possible from The SubGenius Foundation’s original Pamphlet #1.”
For the same text set for modern reading, see The Doctrine.
Cover
Now at last! The step-by-step process is revealed!
This explosive new futureligion BEYOND science may raise your intelligence, transform your life, improve your health and luck, and end financial woes!!
THIS IS IT - the weirdest supercult of them all!!!
THE ONLY "FAITH" THAT PROMISES ACTION - THRILLS - SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!
*Note - if you are offended by your own sick rage when viewing morealibertarian novelty material, please discontinue. The content of this pamphlet is not for the weak; coarse language and startling revelations await inside.
This Online SubGenius Pamphlet Number One was duplicated in HTML as accurately as possible from The SubGenius Foundation's original Pamphlet #1 (copyright 1980 by The SubGenius Foundation) by...
Rev. Noah J. Stewart
Church of the Befuddled Biped
Page One
The World Ends Tomorrow and
YOU
Well, no, probably not...but whatever you do, just keep reading!
ARE WE CONTROLLED BY SECRET FORCES?
ARE ALIEN SPACE MONSTERS BRINGING A STARTLING NEW WORLD?
DO PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE STRANGE?
DO YOU?? @@
...THEN YOU MAY BE ON THE RIGHT TRACK!
"Unpredictables" are not alone and possess amazing hidden powers of their own!
‹
Are You Abnormal?@@
YES! YOUR KIND SHALL TRIUMPH!
Page Two
If you are what they call "different" --
If you think we're entering a new Dark Ages --
If you see the universe as one vast morbid sense of humor --
If you are looking for an inherently bogus religion that will condone superior degeneracy and tell you that you are "above" everyone else --
If you can help us with a donation --
could save your sanity!
"You'd PAY to know what you REALLY think." --Dobbs 1961
FEELING LIKE THERE'S JUST NO SLACK?
You may have 'Snapped' already from the information disease! ("The sleep of reason begets monsters.")
The Church of the SubGenius recognizes the programming!
Look to the High Unpredictables of the Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization!
Perfect your subliminal vision -- edit your memory -- relive your reincarnality! SYNC UP!
This is the original Time Control program that has helped thousands to fear no longer the STARK FIST of REMOVAL.
Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE -- overnight!
Now you, too, can speak to benevolent aliens at the Alter of X-ist Contact. Learn Frame Straightening, Body Repair, Gripe Elaboration, FunKQu, Frenzy Techniques, Excremeditation, the Essentials of Survival and TIME CONTROL. Attettd End O' The World Drills and Chance Labs. Learn to 'Tenlike. Evaluate the so-called "accidents" and "coincidences" in your timestream. Perform long, complicated rites of initiation and rituals of Communionication. Accullate yourself to the Church, where you will be isolated, given a new diet, a new set of habits, and an altered label and appearance. The new void in your bran-pan will be refilled with corrected info and subconsciously implanted ritual experiences. Follow your FOLLIES and COMPULSIONS and become rich like us.
Explore the "Zen" of stupidity! Channel chronic procrastination into life-saving paranoia and precise anatityl MAKE WASTE!!
Find out who your Personal Saviors may be and who are the False Prophets in your life!
YES, YOU MAY BE THE SUBGENIUS, MASTER OF THE STOOGLEY ARTS! Perform the Salute!
The most 'NO WAY' new wage religion of them all!!
Brain-trust of our species!!
Page Three
Llegó la hora del fin
Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, lethargizing, overeating, insomnia, the inability to take drugs, constipation, old age, sex and money problems, baldness, illness, the Work Instinct, assouliness, and painful shortage of SLACK!
This is a certified religion of scorn and vengeance directed at all of THEM, the enemies of us Outsiders. It is "self-help" thorugh scoffing and blaspheming, frenzied fornication and the Tumping of Graven Images. The Church provides answers and miracles in the service of SUREAVOLUTION.
"Ignore the man behind the curtain" -- Oz
The Church of the SubGenius is the ultimate secret order, the superior brain cult for those who "know better" but who demand in the LUST for GRINS a spectacular, special-effects-laden belief system -- a 'stuporstition.'
This religion, devised by precise mathematical formulae, weirder than the most obscure UFO/Atlantis cults, is invaluable to all superior renegades who, at any time, are justifiably on the edge of insanity and can be made whole only by developing a seventh sense of BLUDGEON HUMOR.
PRODUCTS AND SERVICES
Pamphlets and Newsletters, Comix and Personality Test, Cassette Propaganda, Posters, Buttons, T-Shirts, Bumper Stickers, Uniforms, SubG Vicarships and Doktorates, Art Objects, Love Potions, Voodoo Dolls, Mojo Bags, JUJU, Peen Worms, HiJohn Deconk'us Root, Secret Signs and Ciphers, "Sacraments," Indulgences, Graven Images, False Idols, Relics, Artifacts, Talismans, Magic Amulets, "Bob" Tokens, SubGenius True Crosses, 7-Bladed Wind-breakers, fake Scissors of Sight, Cowboy-with-H-Bomb toys, ALIEN CONTACT ALTERS, Slogans, Mottos, Tenets, Laws, LUCK, LOOKS, S, ANSWERS, HEALINGS, MIRACLES, PHENOMENA, Lectures, Revivals, Fortunes Told, Predictions, Industrial Consultation, Seances, Levitation, Personal Brain Treatments, "IONIZATION," Resynchronization, Blemish Readings, and Antilogical Charting. Also try our Marriages, Baptisms, Burials, Initiations, Dial-A-Demon Phone-Ins, Celebrity COnverts, Mascots, and Cheerleaders...and visit The SubGenius HQ FisTemple Lodge - SubGenius Retreats - Quasimotels - Fan Clubs - Consumptionland Abusement Park ( ''Where Pa'Buckers Reign")...and patronize Hefty Midget Cut-Rate Liquors...hear the SUBGENIUS RADIO MINISTRY...watch the SUBGENIUS TV MINISTRY...and, "if you can help us with a donation," the SubGenius Foundation Investment Corporation will eventually reveal to you the SECRETS OF THE CULT!!
BOOKS
Book of the SubGenius
Revelation X
The Life of Dobbs
The Essentials of Survival
Reincarnancient Sub-History of the World (w/Atlas)
SubGenius Cyclopaedia
The SubG Relabeling Dictionary
Things to See, Say, and Do
Things to Think and Know
Things to Buy
FILMS
('*' indicates Dobbs films)
* ARISE! - The SubGunius Film
* LIFE OF "BOB"
* REPENT! - THE PRESCRIPTURES
REPRODUCTION CYCLE
STOCK FOOTAGE
WAR WITH MARS!
GUT BLOWOUT
GUT BLOWOUT II: BUTTSPLIT!
THE BABY EATERS
* GIRL KRAZED w/ The 3 Dhooges
* FLIGHT OF THE NURDS
* "BOB'S" LUNCH HOUR
* ALIEN JEW from a CORPORATE GALAXY
10 MINUTES TILL SHOWTIME
* JILTED AGAIN
* LON CHANEY 2000
* ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT WINO
WORLD OF THE FUTURE
SECOND BIG FEATURE
* THE DANGERS OF PETTING
STEVE WILCOX: MADMAN? SALESMAN?
* INDOCTRINATION FILM NO.7
COMING ATTRACTIONS