Chapter 0

The World Ends Tomorrow and You MAY DIE!

If you suspect that things are much worse than you ever suspected—

If the only thing you’ve been able to laugh at for the last 5 years is the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore—

If you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that you’re more “different” than they could possibly imagine—

If you can help us with a donation—

If you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor—

If the current ’Age of Progress” seems more like the Dark Ages to you—

If you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will condone megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are “above” everyone else—

Then…

THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS could save your sanity!

Your secret wishes can be granted in full—once you know what they are! “You’ll PAY to know what you REALLY think.”

—J. R. “Bob” Dobbs, 1961

§FEELING LIKE THERE’S JUST NO SLACK?

You may have ‘snapped’ already from the information disease! (“The sleep of reason begets monsters.”) Look to the High Unpredictables of the Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization! Perfect your subliminimal vision—edit your memory relive your reincarnalty SYNC UP! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!

Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping, working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and painful shortage of SLACK!

Become a Doktor of the Forbidden Sciences… make religion a kick-ass adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!

Having all the GUILT, but none of the SEX?

“Have Intercourse With A Beautiful Live Girl” or DAMN NEAR ANYTHING ELSE!

Thought you’d tried everything? YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHIN’ YET! Learn to THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your weirdest dreams to rampaging LIFE!

Stand erect for your own abnormality. WISE UP! They’re out to get you.

The “different” are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WEIRDMEN ARISE!! Find out who “They” are… and how to SMASH them! You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM something propped up there for you to blame. But did you know that the real “powers that be” are not even people? That they are actually shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS??

Defy the sinister “Star Forces” which mock us all. Evil demons have kept the truth from humanity for thousands of years—God has been misquoted all this time! His actual words may disturb you … but “Bob” Dobbs is a bulwark against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind. “There’s No Prob’ … With “Bob”!”

“Bob” is a way of life to millions yet half of them don’t even KNOW it! He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to help you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the only real Short-Cut to Slack.

§SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV

“Bob’s” promise is to widen the scope and nature of abnormal behavior … to explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge and coming back, PLUS to bring back those who couldn’t on their own … to help you create the HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYNAMICS of ABNORMALITY … to turn Conspiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel them into an ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will fool normals and GET YOU SEX!

As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you will find your I.Q. increasing your very cranium will seem to pulsate from within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts and mental skills. Soon you’ll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE XISTS, our mentors in space; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a new physical body, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging mental and material mutations that your brain now generates. YES become an OVERMAN, a dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet because your SubGenius roots can never be forgotten you won’t abuse your powers, but instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing always to defend the oppressed SubGenius wherever he may be!

The world is a turkey, and “Bob” gives you the carving knife.

Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer! Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE—overnight! Attain STATUS—LUCK—PROSPERITY by blowing them off!

When you join this “Order of the Knights of Wotan,” you get big, strong impressive muscles … a mastery of fighting skills … good health, an attractive personality, and, above all, a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL! TOTAL DOMINATION of bosses, teachers, dates the job improvement that comes with confidence INSTANT HIGHER GRADES or EARNINGS, WITHOUT TRYING!!

You’ll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTERY over the FISCAL PLANES … the OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER … E—Z ways to borrow money—from other people who don’t have it either!

Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT.

Our “ascetism” consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give up the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no man has ever dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that you had forgotten or that never existed at all.

—both benevolent and evil. They reveal themselves to the worthy at our Altar of Xist Contact. Attend End o’ the World Drills at our Survival Farms. Learn Body Repair, Frenzy Techniques, and Excremeditation. Evaluate and use the so-called “accidents and coincidents” in your timestream. Perform long, complicated, impressive-looking rituals of Communinication with the desired sex! At the jungle settlement of DOBBS-TOWN, skilled Doktors trained by “Bob” himself can give you acubeating therapy, stress aversion by direct electrical brain stimulation, breast enlargement through hypnosis, Amnesiastic De-Inhibitional Experience Erasure, even plastic surgery through Therapeutic Mind-Letting.

Yes, YOU’ can indulge in SubGeniusment even while maintaining your present beliefs. practices and lifestyle—WITHOUT the aid of snide, self-righteous “teachers” and gurus. Simply accultate yourself to the Church. You will be isolated, given a new diet, a new set of habits, a different name and appearance. The now-void brainpan will be refilled with corrected info and subconsciously implanted ritual experiences, follow your FOLLIES and COMPULSIONS and become rich like us.

Explore the “Zen” of stupidity! Channel chronic procrastination into life-saving paranoia and precise anality! MAKE WASTE!!

Find out who your Personal Saviors may be and who are the False Prophets in your life!

The most ‘NO WAY’ New Wage religion yet! Brain-trust of our species …

With the advent of technology, major physical evolution ceases. Thus, the next viable mutation must be mental—a new mind/world aspect.

§WE ARE THAT NEXT TEETERING LUNATIC STEP.

This Contrivative Theology, computer-designed by precise mathematical formulae to arouse the lowest instincts of the most intelligent and the highest instincts of the least intelligent, is invaluable to all renegades who, at any time, are on the nether edge of insanity and can be made whole only by developing their Wotan-derived seventh sense of Bludgeon Humor.

It is the ultimate secret order for those who “know better” but who demand in their LUST for GRINS a spectacular, special-effects laden belief system—a ‘stuporstition.’ It is a certified religion of scorn and vengeance directed at THEM, the enemies of us Outsiders. It is “self help” through scoffing and blaspheming, frenzied fornication and the Mockery of Graven Images. The Church provides sure answers and miracles in the service of SURREAVOLUTION.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” —OZ

“SUBGENIUS” has nothing to do with intelligence. has nothing to do with race. has nothing to do with education. has nothing to do with skill. has nothing to do with humanity.

“SUBGENIUS” Makes Sense, Has Sense, Sells Sense. Common Sense, Sense of Humor, Dollars and Cents.