WE DARE CALL IT ‘CONSPIRACY’

“There’s something definitely un-American about banks nowadays!” —Little “Bobby” Dobbs at age 10

“The Trilateral Commission doesn’t secretly run the world. The Council on Foreign Relations does that.” —Winston Lord, President of the C.F.R.

“We must pray for the fat people…it’s against the Lord to be fat…” —heard on a Christian radio broadcast

“It’ll be the Powers of Good against the Forces of Good-And-Evil-At-The-Same-Time, and THE TWAIN SHALL MEET, HEADON! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAA?..” —Dr. Philo Drummond, 01 on “Bob” vs. The Conspiracy

“You know, what really makes me mad…what really makes me pee… is these Zombies nowadays. They don’t try. Now when I was a Zombie, we rose from the grave early in the morning, not at one or two in the afternoon. And when we ate the flesh of a woman’s corpse, we did it with respect for the woman!” —St. Janor on the Panel Discussion at the 1965 World SubGenius Revival

If you can’t get Slack for yourself, you sure as hell aren’t going to be able to give it to somebody else.

And that’s just what They’ve got you trying to do.

You can’t think… everything’s gone wrong… you’re so tired… the kids are driving you crazy… your spouse lost another job and is drinking again… you’re supposed to have an operation and you don’t know where the money’s gonna come from… it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore… there’s no one to talk to… you don’t know if you can hold up under all this, and you’re not sure if you want to… you’re ashamed of the things you haven’t done… you keep thinking about those pills…

Put a dog in a cage and he’ll run in circles. Put a man in a cage and he’ll run for President. AND IT’S THE SAME THING.

All problems result from paralysis caused by Their Game, in which they keep changing the rules. It’s like the robot monster in 30 different sci-fi movies, being ordered to KILL contrary to his Prime Directive of protecting humans. He goes into a cycle of “I MUST YET I CANNOT” and shorts out in an explosion of sparks. Instead of shorting out, humans have the choice of ignoring the paradox within their orders. Of going to “sleep.”

Public apathy is a disease, certainly; the Con itself complains of it. But it isn’t apathy to begin with it’s just that NOBODY WANTS what They’re trying to PUSH.

’They push rules, but no rules for behavior can work for long. However, they can sound good long enough for each new political fad to become epidemic before its side effects of Pos-Think brain cancer set in.

The Con wants you either to think only about the “nice” things sweetness, cuteness, pollyanna crap in general or to be frozen by total hopelessness. Either way, you’re kept from resisting the Unspoken Rules: the Rules which don’t have to be spoken because so many people live them, think them, that they can’t stand back and see them. Those IN the System can’t see it except from the inside. THEY DON’T KNOW THERE COULD BE AN OUTSIDE…they never suspect how much larger their cage might be.

They implanted in you the idea that you have to “find yourself,” but when you start looking, all you find is more conspiracy. There’s nothing left but Their idea of “you.” “See? Now get hack in your gourd.”

The Conspiracy’s Left Right Split Enforcement creates two very opposite attitudes towards CHANGE: its “conservative” dupes fear all change, while the “liberal” dupes swallow any new Rule on How You Must Now Do Your Own Thing. It keeps the two groups fighting each other rather than IT. Either Game makes you think you like something that you actually don’t just because it’s the old “lesser of two evils.” A typical “choice”: overwork or underpay.

Most Conspiracy jobs are thus unbearable by nature. But this is just another way the Con screws itself. By making jobs meaningless, employees are motivated to sabotage. With each new insane rule or new mound of unnecessary paperwork, the worker sees the Company digging itself a deeper and deeper hole. Well, he decides, LET IT. He knows he can’t help the bosses, even though his suggestions could save the economic day, because the bosses won’t listen to him… so he indulges in the glee of watching them ruin their own business.

In the job world, when dealing with other companies, the SubGenius will pay more attention to the secretary than the boss, because she knows what’s going on. But how many bosses encourage their secretaries to take part in decision-making?

How did things get this way? Surely it couldn’t have been planned… could it? Let’s see… let’s put it on the slaveblock and see who bids on it.

We’ve been wrong about two major things. Our leaders don’t “mean well,” and they aren’t stupid.

They’ve succeeded in creating a world of financial control in what looks like private hands, dominating all nations through world economy… but those ‘private hands’ are not the hands of the human Insiders and it isn’t money they grasp for.

The Conspiracy has many noble, ignorant patriots duped into swallowing hook, line and sinker the fallacies that either “Communism” or “Capitalism” is the Big Threat, but either way it’s the same power elite in control.

The same ones who promulgated the Red Scare and the Commie Witch Hunts also financed the Russian Revolution. Those who rule Russia and China don’t believe in Communism any more than those who rule America believe in Capitalism. Both are only two arms of a very unholy octopus indeed.

(This slamming of Capitalism may be a shock coming from the “megacapitalist” Church of the SubGenius, but all we really preach is free enterprise, which hasn’t been seen in this country in 100 years except on the most piddling scale.)

They aren’t readying us for takeover THAT’S already HAPPENED ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT IS HERE. It just isn’t obvious yet. But any day now the media will have people not only prepared for the realization, but welcoming it. One World Government is “hip.”

They WON the political battle long ago. Politically, they’ve conquered the world, from the KKK to the Libertarian Party to the Kremlin and the Pentagon.

Now they want our SLACK.

Oh, their World Government plans are humanitarian enough … they don’t want to make us miserable: they just don’t want us to be happy.

Most of the traps have already been sprung.

For instance, even you think we’re kidding.

§THE TYLENOL HOAX

They effectively erased true private property for the middle class and are working on erasing the middle class itself. They dissolved the foundations of the family. They keep the individual’s choices for lifestyle within an increasingly narrow range. All humans are numbered from birth and thus tracked through education, military service, taxes, medical requirements, retirement benefits, and especially BANKS. all the way to death.

They control all natural resources and business, all systems of transport, all major entertainment sources. Through the deliberate fomenting of wars, revolutions, depressions, and epidemics, it’s easy for them to eliminate all competition and deliver the coup de grace to free enterprise.

And it was so damn easy it’s PATHETIC. They created a Central Bank and called one of its main branches “the Federal Reserve”. That monster bank is the real U.S. Government the duly-elected one in Washington being a soap-opera opiate for the masses, a stageful of bad stand-up comics propped up for the rubes to throw things at.

There’s no Constitution there’s just the MONEY. The “U.S. Government” has to borrow from the Federal Reserve, which really means from international banking. Our supposed leaders are in debt to themselves, and, worse, to their secret bosses.

This is literally true: there’s a big “Men’s Club” to which belong all major politicians from all major parties, plus the heads, directors, editors and superstar personalities of ALL THE MAJOR NETWORKS, MAGAZINES AND NEWSPAPERS. In this Club they can all meet to agree on how to explain things.

Sounds like kook-talk. huh? That’s because they’re always one jump ahead of you. THEY ENGINEERED THE SPREAD OF CRAZY CONSPIRACY THEORIES, because even though many of the theories are true, they still sound crazy: the Rockefeller Conspiracy, the C.F.R., The Round Table, the Bilderbergers, the JFK “cleanup.” ALL OF IT.

The C.F.R. and the Trilateral Commission: oh, they’re bad guys, alright, but compared to the REAL controllers they’re just the clerks at the front desk. They’re just the sales force of a far larger “company.” Sure, they have more control than any sane American ever dreamed possible, but they themselves are more controlled than THEY ever dreamed possible. According to “Bob,” even some of the top men there actually still believe they’re preserving a two-party system in America.

SEE: Erotic Prayers to the Goddess of the Cloven Hoof!

…as it exists today in our cities and suburbs

The only difference between the political right and left is that one side’s looking through a microscope and the other’s using a telescope. Neither one gets the BIG PICTURE, and the Middle-of-the-roaders aren’t even looking. They’re watching TV with blindfolds on.

§THE DEATH OF OBJECT 6633

The Con has yet another group of people looking for the number 666 in every license plate, every price tag, every bank card, every computer-system prefix, every government office employee’s badge, every Non-Profit Corporation W-2 form, every lottery ticket, every underwear tag, in the center of metric rulers…and it IS on half the rock-and-roll album jackets.

The thing is, THE NUMBER IS THERE…but it’s just a red herring for simple minds. Half of those companies use it as a joke, much like many SubGenii do. Sometimes the Con does deliberately place it to increase the paranoia of its Religion Dupes.

And it’s a DAMN GOOD IDEA. It keeps those people fighting an imaginary enemy with an imaginary weapon. It keeps them waiting they don’t have to fight, all they have to do is let JESUS show up and win the war.

Yeah, but WHOSE JESUS?

It’s all part of the plot. The Con has not one not two but ANY NUMBER OF “Jesii” at the ready for whenever the time is ripe. Indeed, many SubGenius theologians suspect that JHVH-1 dictated the 666 End o’ the World prophecies in Daniel. Ezekiel and Revelation just to support this particular game plan some 2000 years later!!

According to the Coloring Book Version, Jesus died so we’d be born Good Guys and only become Bad Guys by choice. No doubt today He’d be real damn pleased to see HIS FAN CLUB using HIS NAME to help The Conspiracy take that choice away. Yeah, the Con infiltrated Early Christianity the second lie bit the dust, and lost no time in converting it into “a form, a CEREMONY. A RITUAL!” We Hear And Obey. We Hear And Obey.

§THIS IS A REAL CONSUMER FRAUD

For that matter, you’d be CRAZY not to suspect that the Church of the SubGenius was one of Their cleverest ruses… We’re not, and we don’t care who believes it, but that IS how tricky They REALLY ARE!

Besides, for every “666” you’ll find at least a hundred “Bobs.” And starting in ’84 the Church will present a Special Offer: for each bearer of a SubGenius Membership Card, the Mark of the Beast will be worth twice as much!

If it makes any difference, the real meaning of “666” is that it represents a breakthrough in computer technology that the Xists will bring: the Trinary Code, which besides the “Yes” and “No” functions of each basic computer decision, adds a “Sort Of” function enabling the machines to think more like people do. And this Xist computer will be either our greatest friend or our VERY DOOM, depending on US.

But WHO CARES if They do decide to line us all up and laser-tatoo a number on our hands and foreheads? We’re already tattooed in ways FAR more insidious than that.

It’s not just that number, it’s every number. Sure, electronic fund transfer paves the way for final takeover, but two thirds of that takeover has happened. All the born-agains in the world can

refuse The Mark, but what good will it do them? They’re already branded. In fact, the cattle aren’t even in the field anymore. They’re almost up to the slaughterhouse DOOR!

Oh, the Antichrist will come alright… provided by The Conspiracy. He fits into the plan along with whichever “Jesus” they decide to go with. It’s just ONE MORE GAME… one more group to join that people will think can save them. One more group to keep them from joining US! Something… simpler, and easier to understand.

The hopes and fears…the United Nations, the World Food Organization, etc., etc., etc.,… that’s all two-bit stuff. It’s controlled by humans.

We of the True Church would be wringing our hands if we didn’t know the Lord was on OUR SIDE and that the THIRD REAL JESUS was “Bob’s” golfing partner.

The causes for paranoia by the religious right and the superstitious left are two drops in the bucket. They see only the obvious things. The subtle controls are really much worse. For instance, half the people in the U.S. can’t control their own thermostats. The fear of … of… well, of the fear has been spread so effectively that folks are glad to exchange privacy for security. But it’s security only as long as the guards are Good Guys.

They’ve already restricted ownership of guns (except by criminals, of course), and they’ve restricted how much money you can move from one country to another; they’ve initiated detention of individuals without a trial (the psychiatric profession), the coding of all financial transactions, making certain types of education compulsory or illegal, wage and price control, manipulation of morals and ethics through pervasive, biased media… and all this in the world’s most free country. Theoretically. We’ve seen the others and they’re WORSE.

People are just starting to worry about computer control of their lives. Well, it’s TOO LATE. IT’S HERE. 1984 came and went 20 years ago.

And that’s why money isn’t nearly as important as SLACK. You can print or burn money, but you can’t manufacture SLACK. It is The Final Commodity. So They want it all.

§TIME-MONEY-JUSTICE IT WAS ALL A LIE

We are born with the Dobbs Nature “Original Nonsins” you might say but it’s soon brow-beaten out of us by relentless conspiracy Slavery Reinforcement from which not even the most conscientious parent can shield us. You think putting your child in an expensive private school will keep the blatant behavior modification training of the public schools off his or her little back? WHAT A JOKE. At small private schools, the Con simply has more control. At least in public school, the chaos spawned by overcrowding and drugs and immorality gives the kid a chance to experience the all-important juvenile delinquency that is the closest thing the U.S. has to an Initiation Rite the importance of which has been proven by every “primitive” society on Earth.

§MASTERED BY YOUR TV

As of this writing, America isn’t at “war” with anyone… except itself. We’re in a slow-motion Race Riot in the form of the highest crime rate in ALL HISTORY. This here-and-there uprising has produced as much violent death as any war; it’s just not an announced war, not held in any specific area, not led by generals and not fought for any collective cause. It’s fought for MONEY and UNSPOKEN VENGEANCE.

THE SIGNS OF THE TIMES are everywhere… blatant Proof of Conspiracy running down our walls like blood after a firing squad’s done its work. The PUTRIFICATION of a society without shame, a society of open Pinkness… OH this is a SINFUL WORLD MY FRIEND, you play those record albums backwards and you hear the Devil talking; THE JUDGMENT WILL FALL!! The Complacency Drugs permeate our culture, and that doesn’t mean pills and drinks and things to smoke.

Video games are fun little universes of harmless battle… but those places are still vicarious leisure Violence Parlors where you go to destroy things safely through electronics. They’re training grounds; the most skilled video gamers always disappear mysteriously some snagged by the Con, some by “Bob,” depending on whether they’re better at the machines of the Empire or those of the Rebel Alliance. Turbo trains drivers. Battlezone trains Tank Gunners for the secret fighting on Mars. Tempest features Xiststyle Third Dimensional Door battles. And Pac-Man is pure Conspiracy “consumption training.”

§SMALL BASKET CELL

US Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, Civil Air Patrol, National Guard, and their Chinese, Russian, Israeli, English and German counterparts, CIA, MIG, FBI, KGB, NKVD, BBC, All Federal Police, All State Police, All County Police, All Municipal Police, TDPS, All Narcs, DEA, BNDD, US Customs, CREEP, REAGANPHILES, Hinckley, Winos

§CHANDELIER CELL

Zionists, Rockerfellows, Petrophiles, CFR, Tri-Lateralists, ABC, CBS, NBC, Exxon, McDonnell, Texas Instruments, Douglas, Summa Corp., Time-Life, Lockheed, Boeing, General Dynamics, Robert Ablanalp, LTV, Brown and Root, All Computer Companies (ALL!!!), General Electric, Bell, ITT, IBM, General Motors, Chrysler-Misubishi, Chrysler-Rootes, Chrysler-Renault, Ashland Oil, Cullen Davies, FoMoCo, CitiBank, World Bank, IMF, Kissinger, Nixon, Haldeman

§AXO-AXONIC CELL

Cayce Nuts, Children of God, Reichians, Rolfians, Upwingers, Hottubbers, Logotherapists, Symbolists, Bio-Nebulationists, Transactionalists, Gestalters, Thanatologists, Bioenergizers, Grounders, Loopers, Massagers, Golfers, Yogas (all stripes), Requiemists, Immortalists, Bayley-ites, Realists, Gurdjieff Freeks, Krishnamurtiites, Meher Baba Bimbos, Brainwashers, Spiritualists, Catastropharians, Uniformitarians, Ancient Sparkpluggers, Pyramidians,

Backpackers, Gilgameshoids, The DNA Society, Sirianists, Xians, Doggydhogs, Divine Light Mission, Winos, Mansonites, Von Danikenoids.

§PYRAMIDAL CELL

‘Human’ Illuminati, Rosi crucians, Knights Templar, Wicca, Cult of Abramelin, Freemasons, Sufis, Alchemists, Gnostoids (unorganized), A:A, Orden Templi Orientalis, Golden Dawn, Theosophical Society, Thule Society, Crowleyites, Holy Vehm, The Nine, Learites, Bulldadartists, Men In Black, Antimonians, Aryan Brotherhood, Stonehengers, Wilsonites, Erisians, Druzes, Druggonauts, Mythists, Winos, Tantrics.

§SPINY STELLATE CELL

Creationists, Shakers, Quakers, Amish, All Christian Sects not otherwise Named, Catholics, Jesuits, Unification Churchers, Puritans, Jews (Hassidic, Chassidic, Sephardic, and Assidic), Assyrians, Babylonians, Amen-Ra-ites, Pelagians, Augustinians, Monophysites, Aereopagites, Mennonites, Brunists, Ammonites, Stylites, Dendrites, Sadducites, Essenites, Simonites, Trilobites, Chiggerbites, ad nausea (All Forms of Judaeo-Christian Ethics)

§MARTINOTTI CELL

Molluccan Liberation Front, Tupamaros, Black Muslims, Sunni and Shi’ite Muslims, Maoists, Taoists, Buddhists, Shintoists, Sokko-Gokkai, Skoptsi, WholeEarthians, Skydivers, Skiers, Joyceans, Hang Glider Addicts, Jocks of All Persuasions, Organic Nurds of All Types, Fraternity Rats, Moonies, Weenies, Architects, Doctors and all ordained ministers of any creed or cult whatsoever.

§MICROCLIFORM CELL

Freudians, Jungians, Astrology Creeps, Snake Dancers, Gripers and Complainers, Hypochondrites, Kleptomaniacts, Media-Cretins, Cigarette Addicts, Snuff Users, Camera Buffs, Gun Buffs, Police Buffs, Fire Buffs, Accident Buffs, Phrenologists, Forteans, Palmists, Tarot Freaks, UFO Buffs and ALL Related Ufology, Cattle Mutilators, Cybernoids, Toobers, New Math Believers, Starship Dreamers. Space Cowboys, L5 Advocates, SMI2LERS, Spectra Believers, Uri Geller, Hollow Earth Society, Friends of Aliens, Jedai Knights and Everyone aware of Them.

§LARGE BASKET CELL

Carbonari, Thuggees, Cosa Nostra, The Mob, The Matarese, Assassins, Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, (And all Discordians) SubGenius Foundation, Dan Smoot Report, Nguyen Cao Ky, Boxers, Pasputinists, Druids, El Fedayeen, Al Fatah, High Priests of Thebes, Beata Paolists, Order of the Peacock Angel, Enochians, Dillingerites, Hashmoleans, Sexists, Yezidis, Fags, Bulldykes, Sissies, Pink Boyz, Weirdos, Winos, Beatniks, Hipdogs, Lounge Lizards and anyone else Pathological.

It should be noted that, although it is impossible to assign All-Inclusivity to this Hierarchitecteleological structure, it IS as effective a system as we dare postulate to date. The universality of part or all of this structure is a proven fact, however, especially when it is used for specific Crossloop Templates for Culture Change. The structure is present in All Political, Religious and Social systems.

“And you can ask yourself ‘was I right or was I wrong?’

And You Can say to Yourself, ‘My God, what have I done?’”

§PRIME HUMAN CUTS

We Know Our GROCERIES!

§RAPED BY “LOOKALIKE” FOODS

A message will not be heeded unless it is first entertaining. It’s always easier to find a placating spectator’s game than one that requires your input. Even a SubGenius would rather watch Dragnet than write his Congressman, so we Holy Ones can’t really afford to act holier-than-thou about this; but we’d better keep raving while we still can.

It’s even in our FOOD…

If sugar had been discovered ten years ago instead of in antiquity, it would be a felony offense to possess it. Cocaine’s pretty damn unhealthy, but at least it isn’t half of our children’s diet. And people wonder why their kids are so hyperactive they can barely follow the plot of a ten-minute cartoon. Mix that stuff with caffeine and WHAMO! you get a “speedball” so potent that only Obeisance to the Tobacco Demons can calm you down. Cans of pop and sticks of nicotine: if the government’s going to subsidize that, why not just go ahead and add heroin to the Free Lunch at school? Why not just shoot up diabetes and headaches and ‘the shakes’ and scatterbrainedness and…and, uh, cancer…

The Cover-Ups of The Big C …. it’s almost too much to even bring up. The INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS DIRECT CONNECTION between American diet and American disease… MY GOD!! At least 40 ‘cures’ for cancers of different kinds have been known to little pockets of healers all over the world for ages, but the food, the poisons, and the expensive drawn-out ineffective treatments are all in the hands of the same people. You think the FDA, AMA, American Cancer Society, and god damn PURINA are going to let go of a “good thing” without a FIGHT?

And you quit even hearing about the longevity drugs, didn’t you? And you quit hearing about the Intelligence Increase drugs, didn’t you?

And the nuclear power plants are STILL being built.

Looks like Karen Silkwood did die in vain.

Maybe not, though. Maybe she died for a Great Cause the Great Cause of all the truly inspiring pioneers of poison who we pay each day to make us sicker and sicker and sicker. And the Great Cause of Modern Medicine, which we pay to make us sicker, but more slowly. You get lung cancer and so they shoot you full of radiation. You complain about smog so they bury plutonium in your back yard. YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT CORPORATE CRIME SO THEY KILL YOU. Well, maybe not. Maybe they don’t even jail you.

KERRY WENDELL THORNLEY SAYS: Relax in the Safety of Your Own Delusions.

Tell yourself that I speak cryptic whenever I get the chance, that I like talking to you in the gibberish I’ve had to invent in order to find out anything at all from you about what you, and the pigs whose asses you perpetually kiss, are doing with MY LIFE. Just keep right on believing that what I order for breakfast is relevant, whereas the plain intent of my words is not. Listen to everything the agents of Gerald Ford and Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger and Howard Hunt and Meyer Lansky tell you about what I actually mean to say, and pay no attention to the fact that I am a witness to the John Kennedy and Lee Oswald murders.

Just keep right on believing that I am the one who is a racist and a puritan and they, on the other hand, are psychedelic hippie radicals with flowers in their hair.

Relax, it all has to do with karma and reincarnation don’t think about it and maybe it will go away. Electro-chemical mind control doesn’t have anything to do with it. Nothing that terrible could ever happen in this country. And even if it did, it wouldn’t happen to you. So go right on believing it is all metaphysical. What the hell? You might as well believe something. Right?

Never mind where the Urantia Foundation gets its money or where the World-Wide Church of God gets its power! What the hell business is that of yours? Worry, instead, about whether your next-door neighbor is into ass fucking or whether or not his wife masturbates. Why make a half-assed fool out of yourself when you can be a complete fool, instead? In addition to worrying about the sex lives of strangers you might want to also take up quarreling about religion.

They just don’t listen. You can rant all you like, but not on their networks.

But all these things are just part of the overall Game, the goal of which is simply to make you feel helpless.

Think you can escape to the woods with a tribe of survivalists? HELL, if it isn’t the other killer survivalist bandits that get you, it’s the secret research outposts. What’s left of the wilderness is so pock-marked with evidence of coverups of awful events saucer crashes, neutron bomb tests, medical experiments gone horribly awry, cattle mutilations, germ warfare goofs you’re almost better off joining that three-mile line of Pink Campers in Winnebagos waiting to get a snap of Mount Rushmore with 20 starving Indians camped out on top of Lincoln’s head hoping the government will forget the uranium buried deep down in that sacred turf. GOOD LUCK!

Our leaders in Washington finally had to admit that they used to use old black men in hideous syphillis experiments, that they used nice normal dads in mind-control drug experiments, that they accidentally wiped out thousands of sheep in germ warfare tests… AND YOU STILL THINK they’ve STOPPED?? How do you KNOW 2,000 soldiers weren’t turned into raving lunatics in some mutant-virus test in Montana? How do you KNOW some nuclear storage accident didn’t kill a thousand ignorant workers somewhere in Utah? How do you know YOUR house isn’t built on some chemical dump so virulent that your grandchildren will be born without fingers?

§HOW THEY GOT YOUR NUMBER

You actually think They care what happens to YOU, just because you elected them?

Jack Ruby explained in a remarkably casual fashion the circumstances that enabled him to shoot Paul McCartney. “I was walking toward City Hall,” he says. “I saw a GREAT LIGHT and opened my eyes—there was McCartney. What else could I do?” This story leaves some problems for the investigators—What color was this light? Was there a voice? These questions were never settled at Ruby’s trial and now he’s dead. Well, too bad.

Since the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket, since the U.S. Constitution now serves a purely decorative purpose, and since your whole nation is being enslaved by an elite technocracy of Neo-Nazis disguised as Bolshevicks, why the hell not squander all your time gossiping? Go right ahead keep it up until every human being who differs from you racially, psychologically, sexually, ideologically or religiously hates your no-good busy-body guts.

You don’t need them to help you throw off the ruling class. There isn’t any such thing as a ruling class in this country anyway. If there was, then you wouldn’t be able to vote and thereby elect your own oppressors, right?

And even if there is a ruling class, they don’t have the goddamned Russian government working for them as a bunch of quasi-fascist scabs and, in any case, they certainly don’t want to insert silicone chips into the bases of your skulls and thereby manipulate your behavior. Things like that are too paranoid to be true.

So relax. If that is difficult, trying to repeat this mantra over and over to yourself will help: LEE HARVEY OSWALD, ACTING ALONE, MURDERED PRESIDENT KENNEDY; LEE HARVEY OSWALD, ACTING ALONE, MURDERED PRESIDENT KENNEDY… But you have to say it with conviction if

you want it to work. Does that sound difficult? Where is your faith? How do you expect to accomplish anything without faith?

That’s all right. Don’t worry about anything I say here. Everyone knows that I speak very mysteriously at all times, seeming to say one thing while actually saying something else. Just ask Gerald Lord or any retired member of the CIA Psychological and Political Warfare Unit.

Actually I’m just a paranoid. You see, John F. Kennedy and Lee Oswald actually both died of natural causes, and the country has been in beautiful shape ever since then, anyhow.

And the funny thing, the really hilarious thing is, THAT’S ALL DIDDLY-SHIT STUFF. The BIG laugh is that every half hour, 1,000 people on this planet die of starvation, most of them little kids.

Oh, but that doesn’t happen in Caucasian countries. It happens to all those Third Worlders because they have such bad governments, right?

Any sensible SubGenius knows that “Republican” and “Democrat” are laughably meaningless terms for identical pawns in a bigger Game, but what they didn’t suspect was just how little differences there are between ANY political parties, ANYWHERE on the political spectrum. Looking in perspective at the WHOLE CONSPIRACY, from a vantage point several steps back from the big circular monster, they all begin to look the same.

§BUT IGNORE ALL THAT…

It’s a BIG VISE with radical and reactionary rioters forming the bottom half and a fake Establishment as the top half, and the earth itself is being squeezed in between, with both SubGeniuses and humans getting smashed together. The humans don’t seem to mind… but what’s BAD is the nature of the THINGS that are using the vise.

Every political group claims that under them, “The People” will run things. But when “The People” find out what’s really going on, they’ll just RUN.

It wouldn’t be so bad if the manipulators were at least human… if they were at least bipeds.…

So Big…we had to coin a new word for it TECHNOBOREDOM

by ArchDoktor Pope Sterno Keckhaver

There are few areas indeed that are entirely free from the devious influence of our sworn enemies. Dobbs has recently suggested to us that TVs emit non-detectable F-rays which mysteriously fuse brain cells into pre-determined patterns that then control the individual’s behaviour. It has yet to be ascertained whether these emissions are “Con” or Xist in origin, but

they lead to the same end result. Once the effect has taken place it is irreversible and non-treatable. Soap commercials and “Tits ‘n’ Ass” programs seem to contain the highest concentration F-rays, but some are emitted even when the set is turned off. A different but no less dangerous type of ray is emitted from AM and progressive FM radio programs.

Perhaps the most bizarre and least understood weapon of the Conspiracy is Technoboredom. Research into this phenomenon by SubGenius para-scientists, although still in its infancy, has yielded some surprising and ghastly results. Technoboredom manifests itself in the subliminimal-reality areas of the frontal lobes of the brain and causes the person afflicted to garner intense satisfaction from commercial inanity. TV commercials, the picture on the back of Reader’s Digest, toys in cereal boxes and other similar “Con-particles” bring about an almost sexual enjoyment to the adherent of the doctrine of Technoboredom. There are also massive, conspiracy-funded Technoboredom Centers in all areas of the world masquerading under the thin guise of universities, libraries, and cultural-activities centers.

The SubGenius must make it his duty to subvert and annihilate these institutions if we are ever to gain control and guarantee Slack within our lifetimes.

Organizational deviance, in the form of propaganda, pandering, and infiltration, is the chief means of combating Technoboredom. The SubGenius must practice and make use of mindcontrol and normexploitation techniques in assuming her or his role as Futureleader. Schism-strength through fragmentation will catch most, if not all, technobored normals offguard, allowing the truly accultated Dobbs follower to exercise his abnormality and gain control of yet another “normworm”! It is to every SubGenius’s advantage to recognize and document any aspect of Technoboredom he might witness, and send the evidence to the Father Church so that it can be evaluated by Dobbs and hence further our cause. “Bob” himself has often advised us to “shoot boredom up”, but to the novice this practice could possibly lead to the very place the ‘Con’ wants us; this we must avoid at all costs.