SEX - THE DIVINE BATTLE

“Doest thou desire her most foully for those things that make her good?” —Antonio in Measure for Measure, talking to himself about wanting to make it with a nun.

“Someday I will be a large scar.” —C-! the RubGenius

“Some life forms have ironic sex lives …” —Pope Meyer III

We could say that sex is more important than “Bob,” were it not that “Bob” IS sex.

The Church of the SubGenius is a sexist church; we are for the sexes, the intersection, the union of them. In whatever sick combinations the parties involved consent to.

However, “Bob” is violently against the humanist forces that would tear down traditional family values. The SubGenius mutation tends to run in families; we should therefore reproduce to the greatest possible degree, for we may need back-up in case our numbers are drastically reduced in End Times Mutant vs. Normal warfare.

Trouble is, The Conspiracy has it set up so that both sex and the lack thereof cause tremendous problems even for good looking people.

Don’t kid yourself: “looks” are all-important in this society. If you are plain or ugly, this is already painfully obvious to you.

Being goofy-looking according to prevailing standards of beauty, though almost always a curse in high school and college, can actually pay off commensurately in later life, when people get less picky due to their own fading attractiveness. People unusual-looking enough to have perceived it in childhood tend to develop paranormal personalities to compensate for strange bone structure or quirky physical mannerisms. An occasional SubGenius, overzealously mindful that his looks brand him, will actually worsen his appearance as a masochistic means of either toughening his mind or else projecting an “I Don’t Care” attitude. This is a pose, however, and verges on Pinkness.

To the people that count, looks aren’t that important. If you suspect someone won’t date you, or whatever, because of your looks, then that person is a Glorp and is not worthy of your attention.

For most SubGenii, Con-programmed TV-style “good looks” are insignificant compared to the particular gleam in the eye, the ‘edge’ in the voice, the ‘hunch’ in the back, the Pstench … the things that are meaningless to Normals. The American standard of beauty was carefully

contrived over the last few decades by a few giant Illuminati corporations, and we all know the engineered beauties and “hunks” in men’s mags and cig ads are about as real as the chickens in a modern mass poultry factory—where the birds are so chemically fattened and kept in such small cages for so long that their poor feet actually grow around the wire mesh. The horrible thing is, some of these ‘foxes’ and ‘studs’ are SubGeniuses, trapped in bodies which attract the constant harassment of slavering idiot Normals. It is actually harder for a “knock-out” SubGenius lady to find a proper mate than it is for an ordinary-looking one, because SubGenius males will think her looks denote Conspiracy tampering where there may be none at all. Thus she must rise above her looks.

It is much easier for a handsome or beautiful person to become stupid, because they don’t need brains; those who chose to maintain their SubGenius urges anyway display stalwart dignity indeed. For these people, the problem is not that they can’t get laid; it’s that they’re pursued so much they feel they’re being used, which of course they are. The only advice we can give them is that they join a SubGenius Convent—but the überlust conditions in those places is sometimes worse.

No matter your looks or proclivities, “Bob” wants you to fuck. He wants you to use your DICK! He wants you to use what God gave little girls. “Bob” wants you to use these things righteously—to spread his Seed! Use them until it HURTS! WHAT DO YOU THINK “SEXHURT” MEANS?? It doesn’t mean tying ’em up—it means you should LOVE them until it hurts!

But first you must locate them. DON’T LOOK FOR SOMEONE “LIKE YOU.” That is perhaps the single greatest contributing factor to the break-up of relationships. If you want a clone of yourself, go to a Conspiracy computer dating service. The key to good mating is being able to appreciate differences. Pastor Buck Naked proved this with the enormous success of his Good Sex for Mutants League; he and his franchized MutaMatchers aren’t kidding when they say, “ALL THE WAY ON THE FIRST DATE.”

Say you’re new in town, or perhaps just very weird, and you’re having difficulty finding friends and / or lovers. How do you know who to pursue?

Well, to begin with, if you’re an asshole, an ever-whining creep who hates everybody yet demands attention, you can forget it. Otherwise, no matter how shy and nurdly you might be, no matter how awkward at meeting people, there are specific clues to look for that will tell you whether someone is worth the embarrassment of “getting to know.”

MEN: mount a Dobbshead on a wall and watch its eyes when a girl walks by. If they move to follow her, she’s a SubGenius.

LADIES: you can judge a guy by his boobs. Eyeball his knockers. That’s the secret.

While searching for a True SubGenius friend, you might kill time by using a Pink or two. They’re easy to make friends with, at least for the short term, if you’re that desperate. They have little

or no critical faculties except those dictated by The Con, and you can quickly go through a long line of Normals: first enticing them, then burning them out and dropping them. Having been molded into the “Me Generation” system by The Con, you should be able to so thoroughly out-“Me” them that they’ll eagerly let your “Me” replace their “ Me.” But be careful: if you overdo it and become the biggest “Me” around, you’ll end up believing it yourself and the next thing you know you’re just another Tool.

Sometimes it takes years to find your SubGenius mate(s). While waiting, you can always develop an imaginary friend just like you did in childhood—or, for that matter, you can just buy an inflatable one. A hint: the ones with simulated hair are worth the extra price.

On the other hand, MAYBE YOU DONT WANT ANYBODY ANYWAY. 19 out of 20 relationships end up being disasters.

But get this: the ones that do work usually come right after you’ve given up looking and accepted the Isness of the Now.

“GIVE UP” and you’ll GET SEX.

The reason some Subs have trouble “getting some” is that they exude such a strong, subconsciously-detected musk that their very attractiveness scares their prey away. Too Much Power.

Knowing this should make it easier to quit trying. Let them do the hunting, and you’ll become the hunted. They desperately want anything they can’t have, but are repelled by what comes easily.

Just relax and loosely exploit your abnormality potential. Don’t put yourself out. When you truly Give Up, you’ll suddenly find it frighteningly easy to TELL THEM WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR. Once you really blow them off, the right words will spring to your lips as if by magic and they’ll flock to your VERY ANKLES! IGNORE THEM and they will CRAVE YOU.

If you don’t mind adultery, probably the best way to be barraged with sex partners is to get married. People seem to have a perverse desire to possess that which is morally unobtainable … indicating yet another connection between making love and making mincemeat.

According to “Bob,” in the future you’ll be able to use telepathy with another person far away to create mutual yet solitary cytorspasmodicism.

§¿WHEN WILL HE COME?

There is one newly-discovered sex act which we’d love to tell you about, involving the carcass of a pig and the motorized half of a rotisserie, but this Book just isn’t the place. Sorry.

Remember, sex is not necessary. There should be no stigma in becoming one of “Bob’s” Brides, a celestial celebate, making it only with your spouses and tape decks. DECENCY IS OKAY, BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!

All kinds of rules of sexual conduct have been tried, but The Divine Battle rages on. Thus we must always keep trying new techniques as the old ones “wear out.”

On Break-Up—Remember, There Are Other Fish In The Sea

§¡MARITAL AIDS

§SLACK IN MARRIAGE

“Over every OverMan is an Over Woman.” —Anon.

Marriage is the most extreme form of Getting Sex Through Giving Up. Marriage is compromise—the relinquishing of certain things which, judging by the divorce rate, half of America isn’t ready to relinquish.

The E-Z Sex of Marriage comes at a price: the expensive, nerve-wracking hunt for “tail” becomes the expensive, nerve-wracking hunt for Slack.

When the Quest for Slack ends in wedlock, it often does bring Slack … at first. But at some point the newly-married person SUDDENLY REALIZES VISCERALLY just how much Slack he or she had before! This can work out fine if the individual simply puts what Slack he has left to better use.

But for some, the Slack never comes. The other partner may be a “Slack Vampire,” draining it away with endless demands. It is so hard to change a Slack Vampire that the person in this situation is once again advised to “Give Up”. Call it quits.

Be sure you aren’t jumping ship too soon, though. Once you leave what you were positive was a selfish Monster spouse and hook up with a new one, you may well find, just as you did the first time you got married, that you actually had more Slack then but were unable to appreciate it simply by the lack of your present Lack of Slack!

Of course, marriage is no longer considered permanent in this evil, humanistic age, but breaking up is still HELL as red tape and ‘commitment’ make it drag on and on … so, rather than cement the bond of holy matrimony in a regular church or government, think about using a SubGenius™ “Placebo Brand” SHORT DURATION MARRIAGE, available from Pastor Buck Naked. ShordurMar is cheap, and can be easily voided even before the Expiration Date with our Marital Aid Product #3: “Spurious Brand” TEMPORARY DIVORCE CERTIFICATE (“Just In Case It Was Your Fault After All”).

Is there an unbridgeable, undestroyable barrier between men and women that will keep them forever warring with each other?

Well, the War Between the States only lasted a few years. The War Between Men and Women is an ongoing process that shall never end. But this doesn’t mean you should stay single, screw anyone you can, and blow off all attachments, NAY! DON’T SUCCUMB TO HUMANIST THINKING! Go ahead and get married, and FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

Heavy marital combat often results from the two partners being too alike in temperament. Your true Soul Partner, who does exist somewhere, is very different from you. If you were the same, you’d become more bovine; your Holy Differences irritate you each into learning, into seeing in new ways. You should expect to fight a lot with your spouse. HONE those skills of quarreling. You can apply them on the job!

A reminder for “unliberated” women specifically: BLOW OFF ALL LEAVE IT TO BEAVER MYTHS. There is practically no such thing as a “good husband/dad” AND a “good provider.” The Conspiracy doesn’t pay him all that money to have a home life. Make up your mind whether you want him or the fancy god damn appliances, because you won’t get both. ACCEPT THIS HIDEOUS FACT if you wish to be a happy little dumb housewife.

Here’s another concrete fact that you’ve always wanted to pay to hear: In every marriage, one partner is always the kind of person who always deals in absolutes. NEVER do both partners always deal in absolutes. NEVER ARE BOTH REASONABLE. It’s your spouse’s fault!

One way to ease the tensions of marriage is to practice a special form of Sexhurt slightly related to heathen tantric sex yoga. The two of you “connect” but then barely touch and barely move (“Half of ’em you bring off better by not doing anything at all.”—“Bob”) … and stay that way for a long time while the two Nental Ives engage in an astral wrestling match. Let them slug it out and release the hidden tensions while you and your mate enjoy the good part.

§THEY WILL FOLLOW YOUR SILENT COMMAND

All in all, the truest marriage is marriage in “Bob.” He is the ultimate justice of the peace. Let Judge Dobbs marry you somewhere out in the woods, under the trees; let him watch as you “do what comes natural.”

… and if you have kids, THEY get your Slack.

§IN THE FAMILY OF “BOB”

We must take “traditional family values” to their fullest extreme: extended, tribelike clans in which each aunt is “Mom” and each uncle, “Dad.” The system is too big to insure the preservation of values, so communities (not communes) should take it upon themselves. YOU CAN TRUST ONLY YETI BLOOD KIN.

We will always see strife in the home, though, particularly between parents and teens. When a SubGenius father sees his son come home in some unearthly new “hip” hairdo, we often hear this: “God damn it—you’re being ‘different’ just for the sake of being different!”“But Dad, everybody’s doin’ it.” “So you’re not being different—you’re being just like them!”

The father is right. The son is being different for no other reason than to be different—from Dad. But he isn’t necessarily wearing the fashionable hairdo to be like his conformist nonconformist friends; he’s wearing it to get laid. Often, the teen SubGenius is just as alienated from his hipster cruising-buddies as he is from the Father PudWielder from whose loins he sprang. Thus, the argument is really moot, and springs from ape-against-ape territorial imperative. Both should try to remember this.

A child should have respect for the inflexible, stale wisdom of his progenitors, who originally gave him life whether he wanted it or not. We need the oldsters—some of them can actually still remember The Old Ways. And we should pay homage to our dead ancestors, who can intercede with the gods on our behalf. (You CAN insult the ancestors of Pinks because they weren’t Yetis.)

And youth must be put in its rightful place of valuable subservience: as bringer of smart-alec but effective solutions to problems which the Elders cannot even see. “Kids” have more intelligence and use of the brain in direct proportion to their lack of knowledge. We should balance the boring, rigid good sense of the Old with the snotty, insolent originality of the Young, the decrepit and senile should be brought home from the “home” and placed in a center of worship—perhaps next to the TV. And the young must have a right to life. The Church strictly disapproves of abortion after the age of 15 years. A 15-year-old is a living being with an eternal soul and an inherent right to lead even the most HORRIBLE life.

Your new family is NOT the Church of the SubGenius. It’s your OLD FAMILY seen in the all-forgiving, yet no-shit-taking, LIGHT OF “BOB.” Your old family is not what messed you up; it’s the harsh reality that made you “YOU” enough to find “Bob”! If your parents had given you TOTAL SATISFACTION, you would now live in TOTAL BOREDOM … you would be Pink!

Sure, your parents are fuddy-duddies—YOU WILL BE TOO—but you ARE a SubGenius, so something must have happened right.

§DON’T KILL THEM NOW.