EXCUSES, TRUE LIES AND DOLLAR$ - The Real World

of Horrible Jobs

“Act like a dumbshit and they’ll treat you like an equal.” —“Bob” from THE ECONOMICON (4:18)

“I wanna die and be cool one last time!” —the late Rev. Hambone singing I Wanna Die Or Please Kill Me with Drs. for Anubis (the Kill “Bob” album)

“Little things are what screw you up the worst, just like little things will be the downfall of the American Empire.” —Nameless SubGenius on Convention Tape 14

Life is unfair. You deserve better. Other people are stupid. You’re always right. But things are shitty. Inflation is eating you up alive. You always have “hay fever” from pollution. The government is composed of ignorant liars with idiotic grins on their faces. You can’t get laid right. Your sweety’s treating you like dirt. Nobody cares. YOU NEED ANSWERS.

Actually, only two of the above are true, in your specific case. For instance, you don’t really need answers. THERE ARE NONE, not the kind you’re thinking of, because there are actually no rules. What you need are excuses.

Dobbs’ MAIN DOCTRINE on “Self Improvement” is that NO BOOK IS GOING TO DO YOU A BIT OF GOOD. Oh, ‘answers’ in a book might send you soaring on clouds of inspiration for minutes at a time—but the second you get hungry or stub your toe or have to change the kid’s diapers, all that “meaning” you injected yourself with wears off and you are back where you started because it was really just excuses.

Fortunately, this is not a mere “book.” This is a Holy Grail of the Word-Triggers of the Plasmate, by which WOTAN reads you back. And He is the greatest Prankster of All Alls; He loves to pull the trapdoor under you.

FACE FACTS. GET USED TO IT. WOTAN is trying to teach you an important lesson: that if you learn to live with things the way they are—screwed up—you will be closer to the ‘knowing’ of the True WOTAN Himself and will be rewarded with no longer having to try.

For happiness, you cannot rely on others. Each human has his own subconscious set of WITLESS PRINCIPLES (or excuses) by which he lives, and which by nature cannot be changed. In order to get anything out of any other person you must defer in some manner to his Witless Principles. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with doing this, but it is too much work to be considered a true path.

Therefore you must depend on yourself and “Bob.” “You” make yourself happy—and what can make you even happier are MONEY, POWER, AND SUCCESS.

Here are some Magic Paths to Divine Acquisition:

1) GO INTO ’PARTNERSHIP WITH “BOB.” Not legally, of course. Don’t saddle him with your losses. Just send half of your income to The Church of the SubGenius (PO Box 807, Glen Rose, TX 76043 ). The financial reverberations of this off the Luck Plane will send your profits skyrocketing even when Dobbs’ cut is taken out.

2) DON’T TRY TO UNDERSTAND YOURSELF OR EVEN GET ALONG WITH YOURSELF. Self-division creates the tension of Hate Power that your Guardian Angel needs as fuel. It’s slightly more tiring than placidly ‘grokking yourself’ but it can make you rich because the more you yourself are torn apart, the easier it is to tear apart others.

Try instead to understand “Bob.” Consult the Word of “Bob.” If you are having trouble it is because you are not concentrating your mind and therefore “Bob” cannot concentrate on you.

3) DON’T EVEN TRY TO GET ALONG WITH OTHERS. Be super-critical. Study their faults and prey on their weaknesses. Choose the ones you can ‘rip off’ and use in your own life.

4) REWARD YOURSELF EVERY DAY. Have a few drinks, binge on junkfood, splurge your money on unnecessary crap. Praise “Bob” and “Yourself” all day long … keep up a continuous interior brag. Self-confidence isn’t enough—you must be totally convinced of your own inherent superiority.

5) IF YOU HATE YOURSELF FOR DOING SOMETHING STUPID, TAKE IT OUT ON OTHERS. Share the chastisement that the gods grant you.

These are Superior Excuses.

You think they’re morally low and venal? HEY—IT’S WHAT THEY’RE DOING TO YOU. 1½ wrongs do equal I right. Of course, if you take these directives to extremes you’ll end up dead or in jail. Follow your instincts. If you’re SubGenius you’ll succeed and if you’re Pink, then GOOD RIDDANCE.

Some positive-thinking wimps think that “each person is a unique and wonderful human being.” WHAT CRAP! Sure, about 5% are. The other 95% are mindless, sheeplike fodder for the Conspiracy Corporate Cannon. Unique? Yeah, their finger prints are unique. Otherwise they come from the same limited batch of molds. That makes the face value of all of them MUCH LESS than that of YOU ALONE. This is a great Power of yours indeed.

Our victims, the American Indians, say, “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his mocassins.” Fine. Put yourself in the Pink guy’s shoes. See? There’s nothing there. It’s a void. His mocassins might as well be empty. YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG. They aren’t like you.

Think this is evil advice? WE’RE JUST MAKING UP FOR UNTOLD GENERATIONS OF DECENT FOLK BEING TROD UPON BY UNDESERVING JACKASSES.

However, for 37% of you, these Helpful Hints are too extreme. You have just barely escaped Nerddom and still retain some of your early Wimp Training, which is very frequently inflicted on abnormals by society. You may be carrying some residual shyness and timidity. THAT’S OKAY! All this means is that you must start slowly in the field of oppression and move gradually up the ladder. Instead of stabbing the guy ahead of you in the back, just quietly saw away at the rung he’s standing on.

It may sound like we’re endorsing the worst kind of Conspiracy behavior. NO. You only do these terrible things to get what you need. A Glorp does it to procure everything in sight just because he vaguely feels he’s supposed to. He’ll be stabbing people in the back long after he’s made it to the very top of the ladder.

The fact is that “LIFE” (i.e., WOTAN) has a way of throwing at you what you least expect. So, expect the worst—paranoia never hurt anybody! This dogooder “karma” notion is PAP for PUPPETS. Criminals get away with wanton rape and murder much more often than not.

STOP POSITIVE THINKING OR KILL ME. By working with the Worst Possible Scenario, you show WOTAN the proper fear He demands of you, the sufficient respect. He’ll go easier on you.

§HUMILIATION IN SECONDS

Some people think that if they just ‘hope’ hard enough, everything will come their way. This is just buckling under to the Luck Plan. Instead, you should nonchalantly assume it can be mastered. (It can’t, but that doesn’t matter.) Apply to all things the sacred motto, “Fuck ’Em If They Can’t Take A Joke.” Remember, the end doesn’t have to justify the means—they justify themselves.

It’s a type of nonself awareness: awareness of your nonself. One way to exercise this is to deliberately adopt a completely inappropriate self-image, a “MASK OF INSANITY” so ludicrous it becomes impossible to use it in any way. For you must never let on what you’re thinking. They’ll hate you forever. Besides, compulsive honesty can obscure important honesty, and thus is no virtue. Any honesty should be geared to the situation at hand; this is “creative honesty.”

If you feel empty and unfulfilled, TRY TO ATTRACT TROUBLE. With very little concentration you can transform your day into a colossal bummer. Be on the lookout for the bad in every person and situation. A great “Meaning”—a great EXCUSE—will soon enter your life. Pull the wool over your own eyes.

This technique becomes complicated if you allow your programming to distort it. St. Gordon, “Bob’s” Mercenary of Terminal Mercy, addressed this problem directly in a Trance Spout which was recorded during the Bolivian Ghost Herb Tests:

“Are we then to understand that when ‘Bob’ says we must learn to pull the wool over our own eyes, he is merely abetting an insidious form of self delusion? Is he saying that we shouldn’t even look for the truth? Is ‘Bob’ saying, like Heisenburg did some 40-odd years ago, that we can NEVER know what the hell is really going on?

“I think not. ‘Bob,’ however, knows that, besides the shabby little lies we feed ourselves from day to day as we struggle to cope with technoboredom, we’re all being forcefed a gross pablum of half-truths, sensationalized statistics and downright propaganda by a vast monolithic network operated by, and for, the Conspiracy. Through such deception the Conspiracy is daily cheating us all out of our life essence … our money … our health … and most important of all, our Slack! That’s right, our Slack! They draw it off like vampires in the night. THEY are pulling the wool over OUR eyes… constantly.

“‘Bob’ is saying if we must be lied to and cheated for reasons, let us do it to ourselves, for our own reasons. Let us realize where the real deceit lies. Let us have a choice in how we’re being screwed. “Some ways are fun!”

“For many of us there is no physical escape from Their clutches, or any hope of it until the Xists come and the followers of YAHWEH-ONE prevail. But until that day, the power and wisdom of ‘Bob’ can help us break their mind control by activating that mutant gland we all have within us. This allows us to control our own reality—gives us the clarity of perspective to be able to sit back and look at it all, and I mean ALL, and simply say, “Fuck ’Em If They Can’t Take A Joke.” Then, and only then, will Slack begin to drop gently like a soothing dew into our tortured lives. After all, it should be every person’s choice to curse God and die, if that is what they wish … we all have the right to spit in the eye of the collective gods; did we not create them? Where indeed would Yahweh-1 be without the human race to torment and pester? I put it to you: the old chiseler would be pretty damn bored with it all, if there was nothing more entertaining than cherubims, and seraphims, and ramby-pamby flamin’ angels, sitting around up there on damp clouds and harping and trumpeting 24-hours-a-bloody-day, and you can bank on that!

“Why should we be any different? Why shouldn’t our lives be more entertaining and moreal than any glowing three-color phosphorimage on the television screen? Why shouldn’t WE grab reality by the throat and shake it ’till it does what we want it to … until once again we find Slack?

“Just as the primitive Fire Walkers of Salome can deny a reality in which fire burns, and must pass unscathed across white-hot stones, so can the SubGenius deny the existence of a World Without Slack, and cast out the false prophets and the Pink Boys. All it requires is faith. Faith in ‘Bob,’ and faith in ourselves. Are we not the dreamers of the dream, and is all that is within that

dream not ourselves? Life is no more than a brief illusion, a flickering real-time movie in the theater of our minds. And if you don’t like the way your movie is going, perhaps you had better ask yourself “Why not?” After all, it is your movie, and despite what anyone else may have told you, you are the director, as well as the protagonist.” So DON’T WORRY ABOUT HURTING THE FEELINGS OF ASSOULS. You’re under no obligation to save the world—just the SubGeniuses. And even then there’s no real obligation. (It’s just that if you don’t send for a Church Membership and Stark Fist subscription, you won’t get a seat on the Mothership of Escape.)

The Con confuses the distinction between legal equality and a stupid notion that everyone is equal, which is so moronic that it disproves itself. This is a natural outgrowth of the lemmingistic Herding Instinct they cultivate. It makes people think they’re antisocial if they don’t constantly cluster in parties, clubs and singalongs. There’s an unspoken implication that if you’d rather be alone, or with a couple of friends or a book, there’s something dreadfully wrong with you.

Don’t let ’em make you feel guilty. “Duty”—except to “Bob”—is an illusion. Make them feel guilty. Pass the buck. Don’t give them Slack if they’re trying to take yours. Experiment on their feelings.

The Con has a way of making you feel you’re supposed to know everything. Obviously, no one does. All so-called “expertise” is BLUFF. It isn’t what you know, it’s how you say what you don’t know.

FORGET any ideas about justice. DON’T assume that Man is civilized.

Perhaps the best way to win any Conspiracy game is to simply WALK OUT. Steal the silverware on your way to the door.

Remember, you aren’t being “selfish”—this is the automatic biological urge to protect the organism! It’s completely natural. Yes, it does lower Man to the state of an animal.

§EARN MORE AT WILL!!

But these are all defensive maneuvers—really our only excuse for using their excuses. Go on the offensive, use our tools—such as your innate skill at juggling “SACRED JESTS.”

By “Jests” we do not mean “jokes,” though they are slightly similar. They subvert world assouliness by planting subliminal, contagious mockery of Them in conversation, or intercourse, with everyone the SubGenius meets. A ‘coded message’ is implanted in the target brain by a series of impromptu conversational punchlines. (The SubGenius needs not even be aware of this noble sabotage; his or her very presence is a kind of mockery of the human race.) Sacred Jests are undetectable in action and can be observed only in their effects, which are self-disguising. Any Mediocretin who converses with a True SubGenius comes away with new ideas in his head … but ideas which blend in with what little was already there and make themselves familiar. The victim thinks he thought of them himself. Jests thus worm their way

into the world-view or paradigm of the ‘host’ Normal and, bit by bit, replicate themselves through society. Eventually, this will create a quasi-addictive desire for unpleasant truths, which THEY’D better get SOON. It must be done.

§EVERY DOLLER HAS IT’S DAY

§MONEY AND THE CORRECT DEVELOPMENT OF GREED

Of all the Answers (or Excuses) available to us, MONEY is without question the most primal and effective, overshadowing love, power, even sex. As “Bob” so succinctly put it, “If it is money, it is good.”

§TOILET TRAIN YOUR MONEY FOREVER

Money is the most powerful chemical in the universe, dissolving everything that is not of itself. The Conspiracy has always known this, and has bred many good slaves by making its subjects simultaneously hate and desire money. They program people to feel embarrassed to talk about it.

LOVE is the answer—the LOVE of MONEY. We must love that which The Con would have us feel guilty about. For money is not evil, NAY, but a primordial Benevolent Force. It is the ultimate “artwork”, Man’s first true use of symbols, predating language. Blood was used as money at one time; it is one of the purest manifestations of the holy YacatiZmic Force.

We should revel in money, we should grovel in it. Money is the green breath of the Estate of Man. The cash flows out; it flows back in. It can bring Slack.

But to attain Slack through money, you must not desire it. To try to attain it will only entangle you further in desire. One way to lose your attachment to worldly things is by indulging in them, by smothering yourself in them. This can bring enlightenment, but it also brings the danger of Jonesism. For you can never “keep up” with Them.

Instead, the seeker may concentrate on a method, a tantra, a technique that will lure Slack to him. Learn to always ‘feel’ the flowing of the cash, the life-force, “MOOLA.”

Go to a store and remove all the money from your wallet or purse. Hand it all to the salesperson—all of it—and say, “Give me this much worth.” Gesture ambivalently at their entire stock. Then turn and meditate while your items are gathered randomly by the puzzled clerk.

As you hand the salesperson your money, pay close attention to the look of it, the pstench of the auras that have accumulated on it, the feel of the greenbacks as they slip from your hands. Feel the life force of the salesperson through the currency.

Then, in that gap of time as the money leaves you, as you pass through that moment of going from the material world to the world in which you have nothing, in that moment sense the

Slack. DO NOT LOOK FOR IT, or you will miss the moment. In that brief period between having something and having nothing, there was Slack.

When you had something, you were responsible for it; you had to do something with it: spend it, save it, invest it. When you had nothing, you needed something. In both states you had desires.

But in that interval between having and needing, THERE WAS THE SLACK. GO INTO THAT MOMENT. GAZE.

§NOW TURN THIS BOOK UPSIDE DOWN.

But you must understand that the money itself is worth nothing. It is only a tool. Yet, because The Conspiracy controls its printing, They extract great life energy from those who worship it.

Until we rid ourselves of the artificially-induced obsession with the colored pieces of paper themselves, we are still slaves to Their conditioning. If you worry about its lack you are theirs, for they make far more off your hours of labor than you do. If you were paid what you’re worth, they’d go broke. (They are not really obsessed with money, but with TIME—your time. They are Time Junkies who vampirize your minutes and days until you are nearly drained of Slack.)

To break this vicious cycle of exploitation you must purge yourself of all respect for paper money. DEBASE THE FALSE IDOLS of the Federal Reserve. Make a game of its destruction; feel righteous pleasure as you draw on it, write on it, shred it. Make it useful for something real.

We Elders of the Church do not use money in the traditional ways. We “launch” it. We scrape the smudge of soul-essence of previous owners off of it. We burn it ritualistically in public—and we pray over the dollars as they wither in the flames. The smoke carries the prayers up to the Saucermen.

We hand dollar bills back and forth among each other, letting the Nental Ife stench accrue upon it that it may give “Bob” more power.

Spend it like there is no tomorrow—for there is no tomorrow. Spend it experimentally. Spend it aesthetically, spend it anaesthetically, but spend it. Indeed, everyone should send all their money to everyone they know, and as many strangers as possible, right now! The System would cave in if the bills were tied up in the mails for that long.

There is a simpler way. Send what you do not need to the Church.

“Bob” spends very little of it. He has infinite wealth, anyway. Rather, he stores it. This keeps it out of the hands of the Conspiracy, keeps it from being abused on monstrous Death Research projects. The more money “Bob” can prevent from circulating, the longer will the Econocataclysm be staved off.

If you are having trouble with your cash flow, it’s because it isn’t flowing to “Bob”.

In some ways, the problem is not with the paper bills, or the life energy it represents. The problem is that to get it at all, most of us must submit to jobs.

Dobbs approves of the great Peter Principle theory, which explains why so many companies seem to have all the wrong people doing all the wrong jobs: that a worker moving upwards in his career will end up stalled right at his level of incompetence, and stay there until he retires. From there he makes the terrible decisions which filter back down to his underlings in the form of insanely wrong working conditions.

Proof that no one stays at the last post in which they could have been efficient: despite 200 studies which have shown that positive reinforcement in the workplace does far more than negative reinforcement, only a handful of employers have changed their wage-terrorism tactics. The Peckers are still inflicting their pipe dreams on the Peckees.

§NEED MONEY? LET “BOB” INTO YOUR SAVINGS

Big Companies, for which most people work, use a million tricks to subjugate your will—often against their own best interests! First they show you all the job freedom you’ll ever have, so that you forget there’s a leash on you. They promote you a little—let you build up speed, running after that Conspiracy Slack that you know exists “upstairs;” they reel out the Slack of raises and days off until you’re sprinting as fast as you possibly can. Then, WHAM, they yank that leash back with the equivalent of a heavy-torque motor, it snaps you at the neck and drags you backwards so fast that you NEVER, EVER AGAIN forget that you have that leash. If you’re going to stay with The Company, you’d better hope they use their Leash Trick early.

§HOW TO FOOL THE AUTHORITIES

“Flexibility” and “adaptability” are words which the Con has hijacked and beaten into meaning “good slavery.” Those who are truly flexible and adaptable have long since freed themselves from the corporate daisy chain, or ripped it off from within.

The Con has developed ways to twist your survival fear to meet their needs; one is called “Motivational Training,” at which employees voluntarily let themselves be ‘adapted.’ A perfect illustration of the power of suggestion inherent in such training is the fact that the Dobbs Seminars in “Give Up Training” (GUT) are raking in the greenbacks even though it was originally designed as a seduction aid, and doesn’t work for sales motivation. Yet even this most obvious of rip-offs keeps those Exec Boys coming back for more.

Exploitable traits shared by both humans and SubGenii are incredible capacities for procrastination, moment-by-moment self-delusion, rationalization of sheer laziness and greed, and an instinctive resistance to effort of any kind. In humans, the Con uses these qualities to

obscure all reasons for living, making the Pink more tolerant of mechanical, boring labor, and causing him to consider complaining “not worth the trouble.”

On the other hand, the SubGenius brings these Talents for Shirking to their fullest fruition, for he knows that Conspiracy business is based on them. Having true faith in Slack, he makes these natural propensities for sloth appear to idiot bosses to be ‘symptoms’ of expertise! Thus he can repeatedly quit his job and get rehired back at better pay, just because the boss has learned to expect eccentricity from him.

Similarly, when you make mistakes on the job, don’t wring your hands over them—FLAUNT them; amaze the office! Eventually you will find yourself bearing a mysterious new statuscloak of “highly creative individual.” It’s not real creativity, of course—just what they can comprehend as creativity. (DO NOT show your real creativity at job interviews. Although the Pink who first interviews you will be superstitiously impressed, his boss who does the hiring—is probably an unsaved latent SubGenius who will intuit your true potential and keep you from threatening his post as Top Ape.) There is no niche for those who would improve the status quo. Only slaves are nurtured, while talents are rerouted to destroy their owners. Good advice to any would-be creative “artist types” trying to make a buck in the modern world: Don’t let The Con know of your monster. The Villagers will destroy it. It would be disastrous for you to sell your ‘real’ self. Sell instead the ‘false self’that ’ seemingly honest and pure, dumb and innocent, and utterly ambitionless. The ‘false self’ should always be slightly more stupid than any given customer.

Stay among your own kind as much as possible. Dealing with Pinks in the marketplace always works out negatively—even if you make money. They tend to cluster in large companies, though, so if you can get out from under the car payments for long enough and start freelancing, you’ll meet other SubGenii. Eventually you’ll all be able to band together and either dominate your industry or destroy it (thus becoming the new Establishment, but don’t worry about that yet).

The key to your problems: THE WORLD IS AGAINST YOU.

But there is a Higher Selfishness you must attain. A true salesman in a ‘credibility dilemma’ uses the Black Arts of Human Appeal: flattery, lies, etc. You know perfectly well that the customer isn’t alway right. You must exercise the freedom to LIE AT THE DROP OF A HAT.

It’s a world of supply and demand. The Con demands that you lie, and you supply those lies. It wasn’t your idea.

The truly great salesmen practically play God. They create entire little universes of fabrication for their clients just to back up minor statistical claims from the company’s brochure. THE ONLY TRICK: DON’T GET CAUGHT. Otherwise it is a Church-sanctified practice.

§YOUR ONLY LOGICAL CHOICE

If the Con drives you to rebellion, subversion, crime—if they drive you to it by never hiring you, or by paying you an insulting wage, then you MAY have to TAKE THEM UP ON IT. Thanks to The Con’s own inefficiency, there’re much better money-making opportunities in the Black Market, anyway. It’s their fault if you’re prodded into giving up on normal employment, going on the dole, and learning with a group of co-fanatics the arts of gunplay, knives, chains and tire-tools.

§YOU ARE OWED A LIVING AND EVERY DAY SHOULD BE PAYDAY.