STARTING YOUR OWN CHURCH

“In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.” (Mark 16:17, 18)

“What’s the matter, son? You afraid o’ this little snake? Here, take this pill. OOM bala shabba hey “Bob” soba shee bak! YEA! COME OUT!! He’s healed!! The boy is healed!!” —Pastor Ahab Pretorious at Dallas Fis Temple Revival, March 15, 1977

§OF THE LOCAL CLENCHES

The Universal Church is all SubGenii of all nations. If it were possible, this multitude would meet in one place for a single great Mass Conception!Fornication, but since this is not possible we Sub-Divide into particular Clenches or Schizms.

The main goals of each Clench: to proclaim the Word, that Subs can gain Slack and be saved, and Pinks shamed; to provide spiritual, material, and sexual marketing and trading between the Children of “Bob”; to cast out the False Prophets and to heed no other World Religion for more than 17 days.

A Clench does not require the divine authority of the Father Church to organize BUT it does risk DIVINE LAWSUIT if it does not PAY FOR the basic supplies needed or, if the Clench does its own manufacturing of said articles, the RESIDUALS thereof (“Bob” requests a mere 25%).

All efforts to glorify The Cause, such as gifts, prayers, volunteer labor, or sexual favors, should as soon as possible break all laws of conformity according to the PinCustoms of that particular tribal group of The Conspiracy. Church government shall be as radical or reactionary as Members desire, so long as it is far from the pernicious Norm.

Clenches shall name themselves and list their mailing addresses with the Foundation. Examples of Clench Names: “First Natural Church and Trust;” “MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Jehovah;” “First Feces Templegogue of Dobbs Orthodoxic;” “Church of the Profuse Discharge” (a Chicago gay caucus); “Church of “Bob,” Scientist”; “SubArctic Church of the Red-Eyed Loon;” “The Local Church of the SubGenius;” “Church of the Immaculate ’67 Chevy;” “Bleeding Head of (WORLD CUP GOLFER’S NAME HERE) Launchers Society;” “Unholy Evilangelical Mission;” “Primitive SubGenius Church of the Sanctified Apeskin;” “Satanists for Christ.”

Sizes of Clenches may vary considerably. There are Family Clenches, Double Clenches or Tantric Temples of Two, Tribal Clenches, City Clenches, State Clenches; there may also be Clenches pertaining to a specific business: Fireman’s Clench, Computer Technician Clenches, etc.

A Clench of One, or Solo Clench, is every bit as holy as a giant one with a choir, even if the lone hermit merely sits in his Chamber of Solitude exercising sacred Couch Potatoedom, so long as he does it diligently and with commitment to Slack.

Clenches without Pastors, in which NO RULES apply, are entirely sanctified; indeed, “Bob” looks with special favor on those with the most independence, insolence and chaos. To follow the letter of The Law is to break the spirit of The Law; there is no greater crime to the blind Eye of The Law.

Nevertheless, MARK THIS YE SINNERS: The Father Church is not responsible for the actions of any SubGenius individual or local Clench; the Incorporated SubGenius Foundation is not responsible for the actions of the collective world Church; nor is the Church-at-large responsible for the actions of The SubGenius Foundation, Incorporated, nor of itself.

§OF SERVICES

THE HALL, TEMPLE, TABERNACLE OR LOUNGE should be decorated with the trappings of worship: Dobbsheads, skulls, Windbreakers, Pipes, 9-irons, pornography, lucky stones, sacrificial altars, etc. The ideal places for Church worship are hollowed-out and abandoned 1950s motels, gas stations, and hamburger stands, although many Clenches meet in the homes of naíve members. If a feast is held in conjunction with Services, mummified corpses are often propped up at the table to remind revellers of the ever-present face of Death.

After suitable religious music has been played to establish a mood of piety, the Pastor opens the Service by asking the congregation to bow their heads for a brief moment of NOISE, or primal screaming. On that cue, the congregation leaps up and, shrieking, throws as much money as possible at the Pastor, the Altar, and the Altered Boys. (Monies thus taken in are divided according to need between the local Clench Judicatory and The SubGenius Foundation, whence it goes to “Bob.” It is impossible for the local Clench’s need to be greater than that of the Father Church.)

After the Pelting of the Pastor with Coin, the Pastor should preach a Waiver of Blame; all Members agree as loudly as possible that they are not “guilty” of anything, or, if they are, that they are proud of it.

Services may then proceed in any order of event decreed by Chance. Suggested Revival Activities are as follows:

Ritual “Bobtism” of new Members. The Anointee, dressed preferably in a golfing outfit, is held underwater for 3 minutes by the Altered Boys and Mastress Dominatrixes.

Ritual Burnings of money or of effigies: authority figures, celebrities, Smurfs, etc.

Snake Handling and the partaking of dangerous Sacraments as tests of faith.

Mass Spoutings or the encouragement to the multitude to speak in tongues.

Anti-Aerobics and the practice of other Frenzy Techniques.

Confessions are encouraged that the assembly may learn of new sins to apply in their own lives.

Seances, Levitations, and Mass Astral Projection. Precautions should be taken in the event of unexpected unleashing of telekinetic powers, poltergeist activity, etc.

Marriages and Divorces: Ministers should be familiar with the Short Duration versions of these ceremonies.

Sermons. The preacher’s duty is to become a vessel, a medium, a conduit for “Bob’s” Word so that he can add to the already existing Scripture. Many who hear The Call are being guided by Wotan; sometimes, however, He does not bother, and the Ranter is left in The Test of Coldsweat.

In all SubGenius worship, attention must be centered around JHVH-1 Whose Word is made flesh in “Bob”; but because He is in everything, including beer, sex, video games, state fair midways, etc., there is infinite leeway in objects of worship.

At some point in the Service, the people are called upon to make response to “Bob’s” great Gifts to them, through hymns, prayers, rants, spouts, frothings, foamings, seizures, yodeling, laughing, hallucinating, sleeping, gorging, or group sex. The greatest Recompense that can be made to The “Bob,” however, is in the form of moneys hurled at the preacher or used to purchase Church Goods.

At least one HEALING or casting out of demons is required at each Service, through the Laying On of Hands or Tools.

If no Member requires a Healing, then a Fake Healing must be held, and will generate equal Slack Points.

Services should include deprogramming, memory erasure, scoffing, mockery, and blasphemy, JUST ON GENERAL PRINCIPLES. Not to pull the Leg of Jesus, for instance, is, contrary to Pink worship, to INSULT the original but long-suppressed Dobbs Nature of Him as well as other gods. Dobbs proclaims that almost all rival deities, subdeities and incubi have their foundations in Slack despite their seemingly inevitable perversion by the Need of Men to be Led.

By the same token, at EVERY Meeting, there MUST be some blasphemy directed against “Bob” himself sufficiently shocking to preserve the ONE HOPE WE HAVE of not ending up like other religions. There should always be one Member elected to the very sacred post of “Sacred Heckler,” “Divine Denouncer of Dobbs,” “Bobkiller,” or “High Disconnector.”

THE CONGREGATION MUST BE NOT SPECTATORS, BUT PARTICIPANTS. SubGenius Service is a People’s Service; the Temple is a People’s Temple. (We are not trying to talk 900 people into committing suicide; but to get them each to talk 900 other people into sending us $20.) Generally, anything spoken by any Member in any Revival is considered at least temporary Gospel.

Thus, it is the Priest’s duty to record these words on a tape recorder (or, in Church jargon, “The Ears of Überbrow”). Not to record Revivals is a Special Sin, but even worse is to send the tapes unedited to the Church Fathers; the zeal for One’s Own Voice must be tempered by mercy on “Bob’s” All-Hearing Ears.

The Pastor can end the Service with the bellowed phrase, “OR KILL ME,” and once again the congregation showers him with pocket change or checks. A sacrificial dollar is symbolically burned, the Pipes are lit, The Salute performed, and, as the Flock lines up for the Holy Kool-Aid, the Service is allowed to degenerate into a party.

Also good for Service-Attendance Points is the going out of doors to meet civic responsibilities such as riots, protest demonstrations, etc., preferably in accordance with the nonrules of PatrioPsychotic AnarchoMaterialism. Any manner of extremism may be supported, from the Anarchists for John Birch to Nazis Against Nukes, as long as it is AGAINST The Conspiracy.

§OF PASTORS, MINISTERS, DEVANGELISTS, DEACONS, PRESBYTERS AND RANTERS

All Subgenius Preachers are “LAY” Preachers; in contrast to those of false religions, they should be as much as possible “of the world” They should understand “sin” by first hand experience.

He or she must forever swear off being grave, prudent, stern, or otherwise boring; must live by example with the smile of the Mask of Insanity on his or her face; must coach sinners, and beseech them to reveal their special talents and the tricks of their success; must instruct the ignorant, comfort the mourner, harrass the Pink, offend the Staid, and make at least a polite effort to seduce the Widow and Old Maid, Widower, etc. It is ENCUMBENT on the preacher to fully exploit his or her abnormality and, within the limits of his or her talents, to freak out Normals, cast out False Prophets, pursue reckless exploration of the Mockery Sciences, and to OUTSELL ALL OTHER CHURCHES.

The RANTING of the Pastor shall be, within the perimeters of Church morality, original work, as divulged by communion with his own “Bobgland,” unless he is a True Medium and merely the Trance Mouthpiece of a Higher Entity. The gift of Spouting shall be practiced according to its entertainment and spiritual value; without the former, the latter is self-negated. ANY public rant by ANY SubGenius must conform to the Third Sacred Law: “IF YOU DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, DON’T TRY TO BE FUNNY.”

A general rule to follow is, “Don’t Rant Unless It’s From The Gut.” Oftimes the sheer terror of public speaking can be channeled into the necessary fever pitch of a true, wallpaper-peeling Rant; however, don’t try to “act” mad if you’re either not mad, or not an actor. A HINT: If, in the middle of a Rant, a preacher “spaces out” and loses his train of thought, he may avoid “dead air” by achieving a Divine Seizure: falling on the floor, speaking in tongues, calling for a Pipe. MYSTIFY THE PUBLIC!!

The final duty of any Pastor or Pastress is to police the ranks and expose those who have infiltrated for The Conspiracy or else who have become Members for the “coolness” of it rather than for its meaning. This is done as much to protect them as the Church, for there are subtle but very real dangers in meddling with The Forces for those unready. Many are the cases of deluded Pink Boys who were seduced by “The Other Bob,” the “Bad Bob” who got them hooked and put a Pipe-bemouthed monkey on their backs, who followed them home at night … these Slackless Ones become “WereBobs” or “ImaBobs,” lost in a grinning schizophrenia in which they can no longer separate themselves from that which is “Boblike” in them. THEY THINK THEY ARE “BOB” and are soon lost to the perdition of a Conspiracy insane asylum. It almost happened to Philo—IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

Also to be ostracized are those who call themselves SubGenii but behave more like Moonies, stupidly mouthing dogma and Pinking up the Church. These deserve to be called “Bobbies” EVEN BY THE NORMALS among whose number they actually count. We will take their money and tolerate their presence at meetings to the extent required by Sacred Publicity, but no matter how disorganized the Clenches may be there will always be an unspoken ladder of closeness to “Bob” which these Token PinkSubs will eventually sense, DESPITE THEIR LACK THEREOF.

All Clenches and/or single Members MUST SCHIZM sooner or later, though there are no rules for time limits of orthodoxy. If a Clench starts to become boring, repetitive, unoriginal and above all too kiss-ass, the Clench should immediately effect a dissolution of itself before the Father Church is forced to humiliate and damn it out of existence. The antispontaneity of “Bobbies” which turns Holy Clenchdom into a “Bob” Fan Club (no longer an exercise of abnormality, but a conformity of nonconformists) is THE WORST FORM OF BACKSLIDING.

If the Father Church hears of ANY Clench refusing an individual admittance on the grounds of SKIN COLOR, ETHNIC BACKGROUND, FINANCIAL CONDITION, EDUCATION, SEX OR SEXUAL PROCLIVITIES, OR ANY CONDITION OTHER THAN PINKNESS, then said False Clench SHALL FACE THE UNLEASHED WRATH OF THE CURSE OF “BOB’S” GRANDFATHER AND OF THE STARK FIST OF JHVH-1 HIMSELF. PLAY YE NOT “GOD.”

All Laws, Rules and Ordinances herein related EXCEPT THE LAST are subject to the One True Law of NO LAWS and thus by THE UNQUESTIONABLE DECREE OF THE ELDERS may be considered Null and Void as dictated by the One Last Truest Law of SLACK.

§SLACK COMES FIRST.

§RANKS

Although they overlap, there is also a distinction in personality traits between the Hierarchy ranks of Popes, Doktors, and Saints. Saints tend to be Masters of the Spirit—excellent Trance Spouters or Mediums who are highly Illuminated but often long-suffering. They are usually the poorest financially because they drift towards quality rather than quantity. They are the wisest, yet the least knowledgeable of worldly affairs. St. Janor of the Hypercleats would be a good example of a male Saint.

Popes are High Exploiters, Masters of worldly, creaturely things, controllers of men’s minds. Charismatic and loud, they possess the strongest of Pstenches and make the best Preachers and Clench Leaders. They make fine Word Bearers and Media Adepts.

Doktors are Masters of the Flesh. They are creative in the arts of music, image, and Love; whereas Popes lean to the amoral, Doktors are often Good-Bad—i.e., of deep Good alternating with deep Evil. Doktors make superb AntiVirgins and Healers of Appliances.

The distinct behavior patterns of these three groups can best be observed at parties, which drive Saints crazy, but of which Popes will be “the life;” a Doktor, meanwhile, will be found in the back bathroom adulterizing some Pink’s spouse.

§HOLIDAYS

Fullness of the Gospel should be expressed continuously, but special Seasons are appropriate for certain observances:

ADVERT: The Season of Advertising; around late Fall in the heathens’ calendar.

EPIPHIC ACOPHONY: The Season of Bad Noise, devoted to the indefinable “G’BroagFran” of Anti-Music; middle Summer.

EMACULATION: The Season of Intoxication; late Winter (’Frop Harvest).

TURNOVER: The Season of Earnings; near Xistmas and The Nativity of Santa Claus.

PASSAROUND: The Season of Fertility; Spring; old pagan druidic earth-worship rites and sacrifices in sacred “Groves” such as abandoned car junkyards and city dumps, where dwell the Ghosts of our Ancestors’ Things.

M’MOREAL DAY: The Season of “Bob’s” Nativity; every day, because “Bob” has had over 365 Past Lives, each starting on a different day. START THROWING HIM BIRTHDAY PARTIES.

Pastor Naked’s TIPS FOR NEW MINISTERS

• Your first public rants should last about 45 seconds. So, go totally apeshit. MAKE ’em believe! When “Bob” abruptly chokes off your ‘speech’ don’t resist him but GIVE IN and fall on the ground spouting in the tongues that “Bob” will shoot into your head.

• Figure out if there’re any humans in your church and play the crowd off against ’em.

• It’s O.K. to lay members of your flock. That’s a big reason for attending.