YOUR INSTRUCTIONS

“When in Rome, KILL ME.” —Sterno, Pope of Arkansas

“Extremism in the defense of extremism is no vice.” —Dobbs Rant Tape 16 (1960)

“There’s no such thing as no p.r.” —Dobbs

“Be in by 10.” —“Bob” to his daughter K_____in ’75

§FIRST AND FOREMOST:

§EXERCISE YOUR ABNORMALITY!

“Give me liberty or kill me.” —Pope Sterno

You yes YOU can and must self-deprogram! To “Disconnect” is of utmost importance. “Bob” is now doing it for you by making you NOW do it. And you must do it to the HILT! Your divine idiocy and personal extremism are your single two most valuable assets. If you let Them take those, you’re DEAD MEAT WALKING LIKE A MAN. Cling then to your stupidity, what little you may have left; the un-self-consciousness of ERROR ITSELF allows the only true glimpse of the way man was meant to be. “SLACK … OK, Slack is how you take life by the throat and scream at it!”—“Bob” in the film REPENT!

So you OWE it to “Bob” to prod your inanity to its especial edge.

Use “your own initiative.” Indeed, the most insidiously clever techniques of infiltrapropagandaic SubGenetics often spew forth from brand new members, mere babes who know very little formal doctrine but who for that very reason and by default are not afraid to heed their inner Bobself and go careening off on their own obsessive tangents of WRATH, SINFUN and GOOD DEEDS!

So join the Church, soak up some “Dobbs,” and then SCHISM. Form your own heretical offshoot. We fucking DARE you, you lazy DROBE. For through its unfathomable fragmentation the Church shall TRIUMPH. THEY will never be able to put their ludicrous yet all-too-stark FINGER on us. That’s right—if you’ve got the GUMPTION, declare yourself High Potentate or whatever of your own state or local Anti-ConGregation. “Bob” “sees” VICIOUS in-Church squabbling in our future. GOOD! We must HONE our HATE ABILITIES for when they’ll really be needed.

In the meantime, work on these self-erasement/adulation techniques:

REPENT and $LACK OFF!!

Quit trying to act smart. What are you trying to prove?? Don’t kid yourself, your time on this planet is limited, so you had better act like you have all the time in the WORLD—or it’s ALL WASTED. Go for thrills—satisfaction—hard core sex—risks—sacramentality—traditional family values—and ACTION. Ignore those filthy stinking normalcy-boys or FREAK THEM OUT, or KILL ME. You have GOT to DISCONNECT to get back IN SYNC. Bounce back and forth between your Rewardian and Emergentile tendencies until you know just where the balance lies. Get to know the parameters of, and then “feed,” the 8 Sacred Inner Faces of your so-called ‘Personality.’ YOU CAN evolve OR devolve yourself, you CAN cleanse or sully your soul, depending on your requirements … requirements which “BOB” KNOWS and towards which he is even now psychically shoving you. Edit your memories—rearrange their chronologies.

§SEEK VISIONS!!

—and report them to the Church. (Pay us to publish them!!)

Don’t expect authentic religious mania to come easily. Actually seeing into the future or the Aetherzone (the archive of “storyboards” for potential futures) takes time and an hallucinatory kind of work.

Stare at the Dobbshead mounted over your bed or on your Excremeditation Chamber wall for HOURS. Feed off the “Bob” energy. First you will see colors and fleeting alien landscapes, then with a wrenching chest pain you will detach from your body and fly down a long dark tunnel bursting into a blindingly lit God Knows Where.

§PLACATE THE STARK FIST!!

—by keeping yourself alive. Prepare for the Econocataclysm by hoarding food, gold, guns, ammo, gas, etc. Bone up on survival techniques. You can actually prosper in the coming Tribulations if you play your cards right.

In the meantime, it is equally important to learn to manipulate the Luck Plane. Start paying close attention to “coincidences.” It could save your life! FLOW with your divine Foibles, WANDER OFF on the Paths of Least Resistance, and chances are you’ll never even have to use the cold-blooded survivalist tricks you have learned.

STUDY the Prescriptures—UPHOLD the Laws—do NOT repeat do NOT defecate on the Sabbath. Keep that hotline to “Bob” OPEN so that any incoming messages are received LOUD and CLEAR. It will help to “prove” your faith in “Bob” by mastering an impossible feat like fire-walking, snake-handling or levitating.

Remember, serving “Bob” can mean many things. You can either BLOW IT OFF, or you can kill yourself, but whatever you do, DON’T FRET. It clogs your Third Nostril even more than it already is, and without that particular gland you can forget enlightenment.

—and spread the Word of “Bob!” The Foundation NEEDS a constant influx often to twenty $20 memberships a day to wage this crusade … it is your duty to SOLICIT and ENSNARE new members.

Needless to say unless you’re stupid (which is OK), BE SELECTIVE.

Use the tools “Bob” gave you: WAGE THE WOR with bludgeon yuks, the masks of insanity, sacred jests, and TOTAL CONFIDENCE. Assault the pinks and the latent SubGeniuses alike with the LURE of SubGenius every chance you get.

Be prepared for resistance, of course. “Bob’s” truth is new to this world, and most people will assume they have better things to spend their money on than some CULT. It’s up to YOU to show them that this isn’t just “some cult.”

HELL—take it to the streets and bombard your environment with it. Don’t DIE while sitting around on your BUTT—go OUT THE DOOR, stand on a car hood, and PREACH. Make witness for “Bob.” Come back at rabid born-agains and krishnoid types with a taste of their own medicine. (NEVER enter an airport without a Pamphlet.) Call up talk shows and change the subject to the Church.

Remember, SubGenius isn’t just a good way to freak people out and cast out local false prophets—it is a way to control their minds. You can do it. Put on “the Bobface” … you’ll find that EXACTLY THE RIGHT WORDS will SPRING MAGICALLY from your mouth AS IF OF THEIR OWN ACCORD!!

Don’t worry about being a jerk.

§WILL YOU BE READY?

A helpful hint: break people in slowly. Start by simply discussing the awful prevalence of normals, pinks, and dupes of the Conspiracy. Even most humans will agree with you. Then gradually introduce the more and more insidious, yet seemingly harmless aspects of the Conspiracy at large. Begin to bring in the harder-to-swallow concepts, but only if it looks like they’ll be able to understand. Finally let loose with the monstrous truth behind the Men in

Black, the Saucer People, the Great white Brotherhood, and the advanced supersonic Nazi Hell Creatures from inside the Hollow Earth. Cap it off with dreadful hints of the Xists and JHVH-1. Save The Elder Gods for later.

Once you have sufficiently terrified them, reintroduce the fact of “Bob.” This time it will have results.

Another helpful technique is to use reverse psychology on the more stubborn, narrowly programmed types. Discreetly show them a Pamphlet but warn, “Don’t show this around.” Imply that there is actually some risk in even possessing such material.

Or, if the target is an intellectual, subtly insult his intelligence. “Oh, well, I don’t think YOU would be able to get into something like this.”

Many smug jerks, when told of SubGenius, will think you are crazy and will condescendingly “humor” you, then turn away. In such cases you have every right to use The Lilac Treatment™: I.E., “Lie Like Hell.” Tell them that Hunter S. Thompson, Federico Fellini, Keith Richards, DEVO, Burt Reynolds, Sir Laurence Olivier, R. Crumb, Johnny Paycheck, Elvis Costello, Roger Corman, Steven King, and Mick Jagger are card-carrying SubGeniuses (some are). Chuckle inwardly as the fashion-enslaved smug jerk suddenly changes his tune. NOTE: Always be “dead serious” when using this treatment.

REMEMBER—when first broaching the subject of the Church, always assure the potential convert that:

1. He probably already IS a SubGenius,

2. BUT … to realize his full potential, he should send AT LEAST $20 to the Foundation.

ALWAYS HAVE THE FOUNDATION’S ADDRESS WITH YOU: IN WALLET, PURSE, CAR! (PO Box 807, Glen Rose, TX 76043 )

§PERFECT HEALTH IN MINUTES!

§THINGS TO DO TO YOUR PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT

There are countless ways to inflict physical manifestations of SubGenius on your surroundings, but this is the one which we NOW, IN PRINT FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE, tell you to NEVER do:

DON’T draw pipes in the mouths of cool studs, famous faces, holymen and Santa Clauses on every billboard, poster or subway ad you can get your hands on. DON’T add “quotes” around the head like some sort of demonic halo.

Also, do NOT spray-paint “SLACK” on bridge abutments of all major traffic arteries in your home town. Can you imagine thousands of citizens driving down the expressway, seeing that cryptic phrase scrawled in desperate jiggly letters, and wondering? EXAMPLE:

SPREAD THE LITERATURE, SLOGANS, POSTERS and PICS of “BOB.”

He wants to see his own face plastered EVERYWHERE by 1984. That’s what the various one-page flyers and mini-posters are for. If it was up to us, we’d be doling out flyers and Pamphlets to you like they were jellybeans. But NO! Dobbs demands that YOU sacrifice! You can’t buy a decent bed in Hell without earning it here in the Job of Life.

That means it’s up to you to either xerox some things yourself or front us money for extra copies of the disposable one-pagers like the Dobbsheads, the Testimonial Sheet, etc. (SEE APPENDIX.)

Say you’ve got an Adsheet and you want to confuse relatives by taping the little ads to letters. Before you start cutting the sheet up, go xerox a few copies … or print up a few thousand at the nearest quick-print shop (Send the Church some $ for residuals if you’re a decent type.) Of course, we’d prefer that you order what you need directly from us at the inflated prices listed in the catalog, but right now getting The Word OUT is more important than the money: it insures much MORE money, LATER.

ALL BEWARE: do NOT reprint any of our profit items like the Pamphlet, the Stark Fist, the Excuse, the Doktorate, etc. These are copyrighted, trademarked, and imbued with a number of potent curses.

Most of you are talented bastards, judging by the hilariously-answered Questionnaires. So why not make your OWN SubGenius propaganda? Just be sure to ALWAYS include the Sacred Box Number—OUR Sacred Box Number—and the Divine Fact of $1. Send us a copy for “Bob” to inspect so that you know you aren’t accidentally meddling with a dangerous combination of pictures and words.

Now that you’ve got these hundreds of little Dobbsheads, mysterious ads, or blistering one-page manifestos, GO BERSERK. Carry the propaganda around with you, stashed perhaps in a coat pocket or a cigarette case. Also remember that rubber stamps of SubGenius emblems are now available through us or Top Drawer Rubber Stamps.

Let the Fist of J-1 or the Spirit of NHGH guide you. It can be transcendentally juvenile and monstrously inspirational to skulk around, anonymously pasting up things that YOU KNOW will confuse many pompous smart-asses and “beautiful people” who thought they were really hep. GET BACK AT THEM: know gloatingly that YOU UNDERSTAND and THEY DON’T! Take justice into your own hands and plaster them all over school, church and company bulletin boards! (SubGeniusness has a way of spreading through offices like DDT through a

foodchain—witnesses report co-workers suddenly spouting SubJargon involuntarily and chronically!)

YES! Distribute 1000s! Hand them out at concerts … throw them in open car windows … stick ’em on doors, windshields, etc., and especially urinals and toilet booths where they CAN’T be ignored, and where people are necessarily in the excremeditary state of mind most receptive to our Message.

The possibilities are limitless. YOU have an original squirming brain—USE IT!

It needn’t stop with the little one-pagers. Make your own BANNERS—POSTERS—BUTTONS—T-SHIRTS! Go Bobwild and hang a 40-foot “Bob” banner on City Hall like Sterno did!!

Stage a damn PUBLIC RITUAL! Get with fellow zealots and STORM bastions of overt normalcy. Alert the news media. The Arkansas clenches got so active at this that they aroused the wrath of local religious leaders. And they started it all by placing cryptic little Bobblurbs in the classified sections of the papers. Now they are being rewarded with groupies and status beyond their WILDEST imaginings, which were pretty wild to begin with. IN FACT, by being thus ‘attuned’ to the Luck Plane, they have ensnared police officers who were about to BUST them, told them of “Bob,” and sent them safely away as NEW CONVERTS to the CAUSE!! (Believe it or not, an unusually high percentage of cops are latent SubGeniuses and will respond favorably and even illegally if you will but give them half a chance!)

Decorate your home with garish SubArt. Cut out the big Dobbshead, shellac it onto a fancy plaque, surround it with skulls, guns, swords, other meaningful knick-knacks, and PRESTO you have an ALTAR! (Not a bad way to get visitors curious and frightened about the cult!)

And don’t forget Gift Memberships! Rank your acquaintances (or enemies) as Latent, Rogue, Renegade or Conspiracy so we know how to approach them.

§EARN HUNDREDS A DAY!

If we could, we’d be handing this stuff out on street corners. But no—YOU must. Until we’re as big as Scientology—two or three years at the outside—we must revere every minute and every red cent as Personal Saviors … albeit as hideously short-durationed Personal Saviors. For the Church to keep Spewing, those memberships MUST keep pumping in. And—believe it—your face-to-face, word-of-mouth spoutings and guerrilla prop-plasterings provoke FAR MORE response than any ordinary, sane paid advertising. It is YOU the Lone SubGenius who ARE THE AD.

THIS is how you become a SAINT in the Church:

Set up a fantastic business deal for us.

Interest local or national Radio-TV-Newspapers-Magazines. They’re always interested in freak shows and with SubGenius, they’re biting off more than they bargain for.

Stage MASS REVIVALS and CONCLAVES.

Rack your brains for any “ins” you may have with the rich or powerful or famous—introduce them to the Divine Idiocy that is “BOB.” Show them how THEY should invest in and publicize the Church. Solicit testimonials.

DONATE BUCKS TO “BOB!” Spend like there’s no tomorrow. There isn’t. (A word on donations: We aren’t tax-deductible.)

§CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE DOGMA AND THE WORLD WEIRDO NETWORK

Send helpful hints—articles—art—photos—rare tomes—evidence. If they’re good “Bob” will reward you and if they’re bad we’ll get a big laugh at your expense. Send SASE if you want stuff back.

Write about or tape record your own unusual discoveries in Slackmanship.

List and describe your more obscure Shordurpersavs so that we can alert others to them.

Send any damn thing you think we should know about or that we can USE—like tape recorders, typewriters, and ASTOUNDING FACTS.

Help identify, unmask, and report to Foundation Central any up-and-coming False Prophets who may presently be obscure but who may be dangerous to us later. (If nothing else, this is another great excuse for Analitizing.)

Write down your potentially prophetic dreams, and report any meaningful HINTS, COINCIDENCES, OMENS, or PORTENTS. If you have any truly weird pheno-experiences, report those too.

Find evidence in history books and newspapers of persecution of the cult through history … ancient SubGeniuses and Conspiracy ploys … proven prophecies by “Bob.”

Help find MORE PICS OF “BOB” He apparently did a staggering amount of modeling during the ’40s and ’50s for cheesy ads … FIND THOSE ADS.

Don’t be cowed by the Men In Black (though there isn’t much you can do if they decide to turn their migraine machines on you). YES the One World Religion foretold in the Bible is HERE NOW. FIGHT for it. GO SCOURING!! Hit the streets and REMEMBER THE FIGHTIN’ JESUS! Don’t let them continue to BLACKEN His SWEET NAME.

One of the following elite organizations may be for you:

The Smite Patrol

Henchmen of NHGH

Hookers for “Bob”

The “Brotherhood of “Bob”

The Dobbs Youth

S.L.A.K. (SubGenius League of Ass Kickers) Squad

If you are a male and/or female virgin, we may need you for an important ritual on March 9, 1984.

The possibilities for fun and mischief are limitless with the incredible variety of SubGenius Occult Gimmicks: buttons, tapes, stickers, calendars, matchbooks, postcards, pins, pens, Pipes, medallions, fine jewelry, and 7-Bladed WindBreakers. Send $1 for catalog. photo: Monte Dhooge

§YOUR FINAL INSTRUCTIONS

Take SubGenius and shove it down the throats of religious leaders, politicians, media mongers, businessmen, police, students, housewives, retarded people, celebrities, losers, drunks, psychotics, EVERYONE IN THE PHONE BOOK!! At coffee breaks, civic clubs, fairs, porno theaters, shopping centers, gay bars, rock concerts!! THE HATE IS HUNGRY! FEED IT!!

Hints from Pope Sterno

MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Church of the SubGenius of Little Rock

The confidence exuded by the SubGenius is one of the myriad tools to be used to allay the fears and hesitations of possible confederates. The inner deviance which guides all SubGenii can only be exploited to its maximum potential by adhering to the tenets of weirdness, alienation, and Dobbsful spirituality.

In many cases, a latent SubGenius must be sequestered from the less fortunate Normals around him for the process of ultra-indoctrination to phase correctly. There are many elective choices for the programmer to make; the correct choice may mean the difference between an ardent “Bob” follower and a diffuse nimboid.

1. Kidnap your target and hold him in your shrine or temple until all hints of Con-programming are eradicated. The methods cannot and must not be pre-selected; they should be tailored to fit the needs of the particular dupe being processed.

2. Feed your target barbiturates until he lapses into a comatose state and board him onto an airplane to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. One of our minions will meet him at the heliport and transfer him to Dobbstown for further encoding.

3. Steal people’s check books and forge their signatures to enrich the coffers of the Church. Also use the money to buy memberships for all unwitting Con-dupes.

4. Force “Bob” material onto bikers, redboys, nimboids, sickones, GLOrps, schwenkies, pinkies, blinkies, stinkies, numbnoids, gas-sniffers, pipe-fuckers, imposterators, exposianites, nun-eaters, unknown mutated heaps, shape-lords, various unit-mongers, NhGh-ites, gland-robbers, brain-offs, upto-florts, glumterags, gnipto-creeps, F-out badgers, stomachofnits, etc., etc., etc. … RRR

5. Set up a table in any student union of any university and place all the SubG literature on it for all to see. When people get curious go into the ‘rap’ and try to convert as many as possible before you’re thrown out. You should be able to last twenty minutes at least.

6. Place SubG propaganda in copies of newspapers in those coinoperated vending machines. I do this in front of the post office, the police station, the university, and especially all boxes in front of churches … this assures that the ‘right’ people will get it.

7. Almost every college has a campus paper that will accept free “want ads.” They aren’t as “scrupulous” as corporate controlled newspapers so you can usually put anything you want in the ad.

8. Cut out and glue Dobbsheads to dollar bills and buy stuff with them at 7-Elevens, etc.

9. Simply hand the literature to little kids and tell them that their parents would love to see it. This is especially effective if you hand them a copy of “The Brag.” Great Fun!!!

10. Send literature and propaganda to ALL the Dobbs in your local phone directory. Congratulate them for being “of the blood.”

11. Put a “Brag” in all Bibles in bookstores and libraries; put them in menus in restaurants.

12. Kill yourself for “Bob”!!!

§RRR … FNI …