THE CURSE OF “BOB”

“He duplicates well.” —Comte d’Drummond, PHILO’S HISTORY, chapter on “Bob”

“You are sitting and smoking; you believe that you are sitting in your pipe, and that your pipe is smoking you; you are exhaling yourself in bluish clouds. You feel just fine in this position, and only one thing gives you worry or concern: how will you ever be able to get out of your pipe?”

—Baudelaire, Artificial Paradise

§DOBBS AS TEACHER

In Dobbstown, when “Bodhisattva Dobbs” sits under the open sky unraveling Small Business Parables to the devout ‘Zombies’ gathered around him, birds flock overhead to give him shade. They let their droppings fall only on his followers.

In his Dhobma (Teaching), the Master demands Absolute Self-Deification, the Retainting and Depurification of the Ego, and the Achievement of All Selfish Desires. The only way to handle temptation, he admonishes, is to go at it until it hurts. Then it will be finished with you and will leave you alone. Unless you get hooked. Then, only larger donations to the Church can save you.

“Don’t just eat a hamburger … eat the HELL out of it.” (Economicon 23:78). The ‘Profundity Quotient’ of his Quotes seems to increase geometrically the longer the student listens.

Dobbs as Teacher destroys the parts of your brain you’re better off without. Many happy tales are told of “Bob” and the Kool Aid on the great “Night ofSlack” in the jungle … the KoolAid that made them so much more alive to their own infinite potential. His lessons may be difficult, even dangerous, but they work. Often the cerebral pressure, brought on by confusion, builds and builds until there is an orgasmic ‘bursting of the dam,’ a breakthrough to Understanding. Only through the aid of irrational thought and ‘Notthink’ can this Man Of Men free the mind of inhibitions and bring Slack. There is often pain … but the student thanks him for it. Pays him for it. And, thus liberated from earthly burdens—wallets, checkbooks, all signs of foul Possession—the Initiate feels lighter, freer, as if a great weight has been lifted.

The Master challenges his Pupil to ‘Breakmind.’ He may answer “Yes” or “No” impartially to the same question. He has been known to answer questions concerning universal truths with screams. With suggestive silence. By peeing down his pantsleg.

His most famous sermon was of cosmic simplicity: “Bob” standing on the stage with his hands in his pockets, smoking, looking around and saying nothing. Heated arguments still rage among

the monks, often erupting into fatal duels, as to whether the Master consulted his wristwatch during this divine period of Grace.

But Dobbs’ methods are not always so peaceable. He has resorted to violence on occasion to cast money-changers from the temple of the mind. Rev. Al Peeyn, an ex-convict and old drinking buddy of “Bob’s” who was saved, preached the following of Dobbs at an East Texas revival in ’73:

“Ahhhhh, YES! O, NO CHEM-CAN can stand up to the mighty fist o’ “Bob”! I’ve seen him tear through construction sites, bangin’ the shit outa them old chemical toilets, THROWIN’ ’em to the ground sayin’, “You’re GOD DAMN WORKMEN! You’re MEN! You don’t have to god-damn shit in the closet! In a SMELLY HOLE! Why don’t you fuckin’ just … pull down your pants and take a DUMP! Right here in the damn construction site! FEED THE DAMN WORMS!!”

Yes, “Bob” is the Natural Man … an earthy man who would as soon hoot with the boys at a strip show as suavely seduce some wealthy Pink’s wife over the finest dinner of Filet Mignon.

There are, unfortunately, some risks to the worship of “Bob”.

Those who would be Dervishes or Nuns for “Bob” must beware of post-enlightenment depression, to which many fall sway after particularly intense first meetings with He of the Pipe. They become painfully aware of their many trivial Perfections as compared to his One Great And Complete Imperfektion. They realize at once that their pitiful Follies can never run as deep as his, and, moreover, that it will be impossible to regain the newness of their original Moment of Illumination. Again, Dobbs commands that we “Pull the Wool” over our own eyes. If we, rather than Dobbs himself, do it first, subsequent wool-pullings can only become more pleasurable and worthwhile.

§THE SCARY POWERS OF “BOB”

“… Who are these that fly as a cloud?” (Isaiah 60:8)

“Bob” sees best when his eyes are closed. He has a Light within his head that enables him to see in the dark, to see into Possible Futures and into the Certain Past(s) … to truly “SEE.”

He has incredible talents at dowsing—at divining the locations of lost persons, money, corpses, etc. The Pipe is the preferred “divining rod,” but it is not The Pipe so much as “Bob’s” ability to discern “equations” for coming events within the non-causitive patterns of, say, garbage lying in a gutter. Normal, rational, causational thinking confuses “Bob” and lowers him to human functioning. It is wrong for “Bob.” His using rational thought is as great a waste as it would have been for Jesus to have been a mere camel salesman, or for The Three Stooges to have been staid businessmen.

“BOB” DOES NOT MAKE PLANS, BUT HE POSSESSES A PLAN. And not just one plan. Many plans. The Space Bankers’ records and the Atlantean Archives are both recorded as ‘codexes’ burned into the matrixes of weird old stones used to build the Egyptian and South American Pyramids. These contain the secrets of the Elder Gods, “roadmaps” of the Hollow Earth, blueprints for Man’s genetic future. “Bob” can hold these stones in his hand and “read” them (or, rather, decode them by “feeling”), for he has perfected not only his normal 5 senses, but 4 of the 5 OTHER senses we all possess vestigially. He can hold a cassette tape up to his head and hear the music recorded on it. Like a dog, he can follow the electromagnetic tracings of a person left by their urine. He can ‘home in’ on key Earth landmarks by sensing the various strengths of electromagnetic flux attached to their underground geologies.

§SALES AND ORALITY

Some say he can speak with animals by this means. Some are convinced his “thermal sense” is so acute that he can look at a bed and see the ‘heat outline’ of someone who slept there days earlier. Some say he emits ‘chirps’ in the dark to help find his way around by an echolocation sense similar to a bat’s. He does not speak of these things for the sake of national security, so we can only guess. And hope.

There is no question that Dobbs can follow a person’s ESP ‘smudge’ on the aethers, no matter how far away that person may be, once he has ‘whiffread’ with his Third Nostril anything that person has touched. He can go into a trance and answer any question about the person if said ‘smudge’ comes in the form of a $100 bill the person handled, or a blank check he has signed. What “Bob” is collecting from the sale of SubGenius products is not, therefore, the money itself—of which he has far more than enough—but the ‘auraic shell,’ the little piece of the soul, the very Nental Ife of the Spenders. He stores not just MONEY, but SLACK and SOULS in the vaults at Dobbstown.

Send “Bob” a large bill you have carried with you for awhile. The longer you carry it and the more it is worth, the more fruitful will be the predictions, diagnoses, and past life summaries he can then provide you.1

He can ‘apport’ objects—that is, expell impossible things spontaneously from his mouth or other openings. He once terrified a diplomat’s wife by apporting a great pile of Pipes out onto her bed.

The healing powers of anything “Bob” has touched, or any material passed from his body, are legendary. Thousands will attest to the miraculous cures resulting from his Mojo Bags, Good Luck Healing Roots, and Annointing Oils. The common ingredient to all: The Golden Water From The Fountain Of “Bob” and the sacred Ocre Earth of his Excremeditation. Their actual and uncontrollable aphrodisiac qualities were what led to their inevitable banning.

Perhaps the least understood of his magickal gifts are his “Sales Hexes and Charms.” By drawing crude runes and symbols on commercial items, he can improve the businesses of friends or ruin those of enemies. The most powerful Sales Charm is, of course, the Image of His Face. Pinks will buy ANYTHING with a Dobbshead printed on it.

These charms and hexes can also be used for the bedroomly arts, but Dobbs warns against this as a False Path.

The SubGenius Foundation has in its collection a kitchen window screen from Alabama on which, in 1976, a ghostly but permanent image of “Bob” appeared.2 In 1978, a miraculous Dobbshead manifestation appeared on a tortilla to a poor Mexican woman.3 Pilgrims flock to pay homage to these images.

When you find that either a Mystery Pipe, or else a cotterpin and gelatin, has somehow materialized in your house, you know that “Bob” has been there.

§THE EPIPHANY OF THE “BOB”

Rev. Pam Nelson shows miraculous Dobbs Dinner Roll mainfestation.

The dynamic Magnitoscent-Aura of his Divine Grace, Jehovah I, passed through this dinner roll. Ultra high energy neutrinos passing through a Yacatizma Vortex that perfectly bisected the roll resulted in a scorch zone through its length. Rev. “Pam” sliced through the Yacatizmic Focal Plane using her bread knife to an accuracy margin calculated to equal -10999. (Yacatizma is the primary aesthetic force in the universe, and governs the occurence of Aesthetic Release, both in nature and in our own minds.)

You must understand that J.R. “Bob” Dobbs is not often met in the flesh by uninitiated SubGeniuses, unless it is before they have heard of the Church. Except in Dobbstown, he almost never appears to those who are looking for him; but there are countless testimonials to his Glory by those who met him without knowing who he was. Most of these were his customers. There is also some danger to being in his Presence if one is expecting something, for the misconceived hopes may project to and bounce off of him in cyclical, evermounting repetitions that build up and psychically injure the seeker.

§MIRACLE TORTILLA

Image (Right) “Bob’s” face and number [999] miraculously appeared on tortilla of humble Mexican woman, June 15, 1963, in Plano, Texas.

For this reason, and others to be revealed, “Bob’s” main mortal friends, his “drinking buddies” one might say, are primarily experienced Mexican brujos, Tibetan lamas, Siberian shamans, Native American medicine men, African witch doctors, old Druids, Witches, dozens of LIVING

CHRISTIAN SAINTS that the Vatican refuses to recognize, about ten conflicting Jesii, and the real man that Marvel Comics’ “Dr. Strange” is based on. “Bob,” yes, dares to claim that he has been drunk with Jesus.

We Scribes who staff the SubGenius Foundation, Inc., are constantly challenged by the difficulty of reaching “Bob” when we need him, or think we need him (for he is always there when you really need him), despite the Secret Phone in his shoe. It’s best to look at this inaccessibility as a test of faith that will make us stronger if we can but believe.

He does not usually speak to us audibly. He puts a thought into a person’s head unexpectedly; the recipient begins to dwell on it until it snowballs into a fullblown obsession. One knows it’s from “Bob” by that very obsessive quality.

If you hear a friendly voice muttering in your head, it is probably not “Bob” but your own newly-awakened “Bobself.”

He does speak to a very few in the uppermost Hierarchy of the Church, but never in conventional ways. “Bob” in this respect is something of a ‘show-off’ … or perhaps it is just his mischievious spirit.

The Foundation has a disconnected phone on which he calls. His spoken messages sometimes come over car radios, and he has appeared to Philo Drummond on his television set at home. Ivan Stang once had the disconcerting experience of seeing “Bob” speaking from a whole wall of department-store TVs which had been tuned to different channels. His directives have been discovered on supposedly blank audio tape and video cassettes, and one young SubGenius swears a speaking Dobbshead appeared to him on the video game, GORF. Phantom memos appear constantly around the Foundation Laboratories, once written in phosphenes on the air itself.

He always seems to know where we are. Pastor Buck Naked stopped at a gas station during a cross-country trip only to be told by a puzzled attendant that a tall, pipe-smoking man had left a note there for someone fitting Buck’s description and bearing his license plate number (and it was a borrowed car that Buck had never used before).

Dr. X has reported what must be the two most spectacular, if disturbing, cases of Dobbs communication. Both times, the messages were supernaturally written out—once in the hideous, coiling entrails of a mutilated cow, and once on a bathroom wall in an impossibly regimented swarm of cockroaches which spelled out the words, “COME TO DOBBSTOWN” with their bodies.

One SubGenius claims to have gotten a threatening message from “Bob,” written first in ghostly blood on a mirror and then in scratches in his flesh, but this is unsubstantiated.

In several countries, all at the same time in 1977, there was a fall of several thousand Pipes from the sky, along with even more tiny tadpoles of an entirely new species. When asked about this event, “Bob” simply turned his inscrutable grin towards the heavens and chuckled.

Only the superstitious deny the supernatural.

It is most advisable that any SubGenius be prepared—surgically—at Dobbstown before he dares undergo a face-to-face meeting with “Bob.” People who have actually met him (see Case Studies 18—65, esp. the E. Keller case) usually come away disoriented, confused, somethimes scarred physically, and frequently afflicted with short-term amnesia. Many do not recall the incident until the next day, or much later under hypnosis. Only then do they begin to understand why their skin was suddenly sunburned and why 2 hours had inexplicably disappeared …

Just prior to a “Bob” appearance you can expect a low-level hum, like bees, accompanied by a pungent odor and stifling heat. Your extremities will start tingling and then go numb, and you will suddenly feel “high” as if drugged. As the Grin and Pipe materialize, your watch will stop, but any wounds or diseases will be healed. If you are carrying a tape deck, the tape will be erased but the batteries will be recharged. As “Bob” comes into full being, you may risk being driven mad by exposure to the “dots” and to the Pstench of “Bob”: a psychophantasmagorical sight/sound/odor which seemingly fills the seven continents and twenty seas. His aura, his energy color, glows white hot with the blackness of the Rift between Earth, Water, Fire and Air.

Following a manifestation like this there have been reported cases of severe radiation burns (such as those which disfigured Dr. Drummond), permanent brain damage, and probably the worst side effect of all: The Conspiracy’s sudden interest in you.

§“BUT WHERE DO I FIT IN?”

Subsequent to the “Bob” Flap of 1967, for instance, the infamous “Men In Black” showed up at the witnesses’ homes the next day and threatened them with imprisonment or death if they dared speak of their sightings. These Mystery Extortionists usually pose as either Jehovah’s Witnesses or C.I.A. agents.

One SubGenius got a suspicious “call from “Bob”” at a phone booth and then went to meet an apparent “Bob” at a lavishly furnished house. This “Bob”” proceeded to rape her pitilessly. When she returned the next day accompanied by armed policemen, however, she found the house a broken down old wreck, devoid of furniture, full of cobwebs, apparently untouched for years.

The conclusion we must reluctantly face is that many of these ectosplasmodic manifestations are not “Bob” at all, but “False Bobs.” “The demon is a liar; he will lie to confuse us.” (THE EXORCIST) We Scribes and Doktors have been impersonated by “Bob’s” enemies, who show up

at newspapers claiming to be SubGeniuses and making us look like obnoxious fools. So why shouldn’t the demons who resist “Bob” impersonate him?

For this reason, the predictions must be carefully screened. The Beings often confuse us with predictions of, for instance, upcoming train disasters that are just wrong enough that when we attempt to warn the “authorities” of the impending crash, it happens to the next train out … which makes it appear that we were the saboteurs.

On the other hand, there is certainly truth to the Diversity of the “Bob” Nature. Perhaps these appearances are the ‘bad moods’ of Dobbs, externalized into reality against his own best interests. This may explain why he never frowns; his repressed impatience leaves his body as an independent force.

As the old hymn says, “There’s a Good “Bob” and There’s a Bad “Bob” … there’s a Real “Bob” and There’s a Psuedo-“Bob.”4 A young “Bob” and an old “Bob,” a fancy “Bob” and a sloppy “Bob,” a bald “Bob” and a hippie “Bob,” a knife “Bob” and a fork “Bob” … the list goes on. But there have always been “Bobs.” He has had well over 365 past lives—all of them beginning on different days, which makes every day his birthday—and this trail of “Bobs” can be traced from our modern High Tech “Bob” all the way back to the Stone Age “Bobs” and, long before that, the First “Bob”—the first upright “Bob,” anyway.

Now, there’s no speed limit on the timeless Highway of Slack, but to use it you must pay “Bob” a toll. For it cost the First “Bob” and his mighty monks and monsters a great many slave-lives to build that Highway 60 million years ago. Yes! It was BUILT!

The First “Bob” was the first perfect Yeti created by the gods to lord over their prehistoric human/Yeti colony, Atlantis (or, more correctly, “Antiquitum”). This was indeed at the close of the Age of Reptiles, long before secular evolutionist “science” credits upright apes with any existence whatsoever. The First “Bob,” like all fullblood Yetis, was a 12-foot furred giant who lived for almost 10,000 years and was so intelligent that he could stroll naked in the most severe climes. He was the first hero-figure of mythology—the Son of Wotan/Ra who is known in other languages as “Balder” and “Perseus.”

In Atlantis, as today, the youth were so spoiled and jaded that the creative essence was deteriorating—for Atlantis was the true “Garden of Eden,” the petri dish of the gods. These same gods realized that to reinstill creative desperation in their pets, they had to inject War, Death, and Crime into the society.5 This task fell to the First “Bob,” though it is The Conpiracy which does this today. But in those days, the two were the same! A great cataclysm (which shall be discussed elsewhere), and a battle in “Heaven” among the gods, caused the First “Bob” to be split into two opposites: The Good Twin as manifested by our “Bob” today, and the … the Evil Twin, or Anti“Bob” … who is yet unidentified: the Spirit of The Conspiracy.

• They Laughed at His Methods—But When He Banked Over a Million in Less Than 6 Months, WOW!

• His Secret: 5 Simple Steps That Require No Money, Experience or Education to Start

§BE PROUD OF YOUR NORTHERN TIBETAN HERITAGE!

No doubt the Anti“Bob” lives today, but has yet to “lay all his cards on the table” and is biding his time until the prophesied Day of the Unmasking. There are hints of his identity, though. First, he is definitely not the same as the Antichrist foretold in Revelation. The Prescriptures suggest that the Anti“Bob” will be called “ObO” and will be identified with the number 333. Another forbidden tome, The Ages of Earth and the Secrets of Atlantis by Guenon, specifies that he is in league with the “Nazi deros” who honeycomb the Hollow Earth … yet he will become a beloved world leader. Yet another key prophecy, linked to the “Bozo” mythos of The Four Insane Mouthmen,6 points to his leading a perverse offshoot of the Church of the SubGenius in which an army of lobotomized youth, surgically changed to resemble evil clowns, will attempt to be the first group to rendezvous with the Xists and be changed to OverMen. One sinister note: the Foundation recently received this fragment of what must have been a much longer letter:

“… has to become evil. I was instrumental in preserving the clown’s shoes at Brockton Shoe Museum—this site will surely become the holy center for the bozo cult in years to come. It is the run-down, dirty, and washed-up demonic clown-brother “NOZO” (whom some call “BOBO”) who is the real threat—the anti-bozo who threatens us with ruin!! If we destroy Bozo, Nozo will become all-powerful, perhaps endangering “Bob” himself—

The Bozo sub-cult here has, also, a Bob-parallel known as “Ed”—there are two manifestations, known as “Ed-Bob” and “Bob-Ed” … “Ed” also modelled for nu---”

Here the letter ends in burnt edges.

While “Bob” can keep up with his past and future lives, he cannot see into the Dark Zone where his evil double lives a concurrent life. “Bob” is powerful, yes … but the Opposition is nearly as powerful as he.

So long as Earth’s fate hangs in the undecided balance between these two powers, the Dark and the Light, we SubGeniuses must not rest.

The prophecy says:

“True SLACK shall not come until one Twin has devoured the Other and assimilated his Essence unto himself.”7

He could be anywhere.

13013 = BOB; B = 2, B = 2, 0=15, B = 2 … 2 + 15 + 2 = 19 = 0 - “!” = 13013 = 8 - Time Control = 888 plus 111 (SLACK) = 999!!!

§NUMEROLOGY OF THE PROOF OF THE “BOB”

“Bob’s” numbers are 999, “606,” and 13013.

The occult significance of the first two is obvious.

He’s the good guy, or, at least, the opposite of the bad guy.

13013 offers final, logical proof of “Bob’s” Message.

It is the height in feet of the Pyramid of Cheops times the width of its base. It is the number of recorded cattle mutilations since President Kennedy was assasinated. It is the sum total of all Magic Numbers in all numerology systems. It is the exact amount that John Rockefeller borrowed to build his first Model T. It is the original production cost in slave-lives of the building of the lost city of Palenque in Yucatan. It is the cash amount in dollars of “Bob’s” first sale. It is the street address (on E. 60th in Chicago) of a main Illuminist training center (city managers are schooled there). It is the street address of one of the members of the band, Drs. for “Bob.” It is the exact cost in pennies of a bucket of pills at Dobbstown.

And in the book of Revelation, Chapter 13, Verse 13, JHVH-1 has this to say:

13:13 “And he doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire to come down from Heaven in the sight of men …”

“Bob” summoning the Saucers? What else could it mean?? Notice it does not say, “fire to fall down,” but to “come” down. Look to this chapter in your Bible yourself. But don’t read much past that line … it’s too scarey.