Chapter 12

tHE bOOK OF THE sUBgENIUS - CHAPTER 12 - DATELINE FOR DOMINANCE… When Tomorrow Becomes Today

“Dear Lord, I sincerely hope you’re comin’ Cause you REALLY STARTED SOMETHIN!” —Elvis

“You’ll ALL be eating roach crap by the turn of the century!” —“Bob” in a fight with neighbors, 1950

“When WE are in control, we will kill only the DOGMATISTS—the “INFALLIBLE.” Don’t you see it’s our duty? Yes, we’ll gladly admit it—we’re playing God. But what if God’s too busy? What if He’s chosen us to be His Tools of Wrath?” —Rant by an unknown SubGenius, recorded at the Dobbs-town “Night of Slack” End-Times Drill but censored from the tape.

“Everything comes apart … one way or another! Eh-eh-eh …” —“Bob,” Lesson 155, Verse 17

“Shut Up, Pink Boy”

… So now we’re speeding headlong into an inconceivable wall of sanity-sapping minor irritations (simulated cheese-like soymeat bi-food products, power and water shortages, flimsy wheeled solar gizmos instead of sturdy massive CARS, 35 mph, turn your thermostat down, go stand in line, LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS), and that wall of irritation is about to turn into a TIDAL WAVE of TRIBULATION from the likes of overpopulation, toxic wastes, energy depletion, ECONOMIC REGRESSION, BAD MONEY HELL … and MOST people still don’t believe it could happen … hell YES, uncountable “cults” of every imaginable variety are literally being forced to explode across the continents, each in its own inside-joke way, and it isn’t the pressure of NOW that’s responsible, it’s our own past negligence: it’s because those PINKS buried their heads in the narcosand of the Seventies and procrastinated coping with a hostile environment that won’t slow down and stop changing. The cults of Disguised Normalcy can prosper NOW because of the massive weight of deliberate public apathy and voluntary stupidity and utterly unfounded optimism that lays on them like an adolescent lays upon his pornography in bed to prevent its discovery by his stern parents, AIEEE, the cities are about to turn into game preserves crammed with NO ANIMALS but only a dense population of over-equiped hunters firing projectiles with haphazard fervor at each other as well as at nondescript inanimate objects, there is no rhyme nor reason, beware the Nulls and Voids, they’re surrounding you, they have guns and money and are not-quite-accidentally turning the world into an over-populated terror ghetto, a hell future where our children will grow up in conditions of perpetual apocalypse and suicide epidemics, DON’T BANK ON SALVATION BY HUMAN MEANS; individually, humans can behave quite decently to each other but their SYSTEMS have a built-in HOLOCAUST FACTOR which NO AMOUNT of “progress” can nullify in time; the humans will NOT wake up; only intervention by some COSMIC SUPERINTELLIGENCE can save us now, and only “Bob” can bring it about

properly; if you don’t want to broil your brains in the zombie business corridors of empty pinkness OR grinding poverty, if you don’t want to feel the meat cook off your bones in a nuclear oven that was once your HOME TOWN, you had better drop your mental candy bars and step out under the blinding light of the sun and make witness to what you REALLY ARE, YES you had better be ready to JUMP! Come the Econocataclysm, those who knew how to climb UP into the Conspiracy Job Tree had better know how to climb back DOWN again or they’re going to be STUCK up there when the HEAT RISES … look around you, the signs are everywhere, current American social patterns have already gone way too far, the family is all broken apart, morals have degenerated into a venereal TV swamp, drug abuse and perverted sex are taught in schools, it’s just like the Roman Empire before it fell, the collapse is nearly total NOW but what it may become in the final few years will mutilate our children beyond our WILDEST nightmares. Yes it’s EVERYWHERE, the Money Changers, the Beast, the Masters of Pink, purveyors of all that is sheepish and soft in the world, they’re just setting us up for a massive 1984 White Wing resurgence, which in turn allows the great WITCHBURNING, look THERE we already have demoninfiltrated Normalcy Shock Troops going by the hellishly ironic name of “Moral Majority,” good GOD are these supposed to be CHRISTIANS? They’ve got Jesus and the Devil ALL MIXED UP!! Make no mistake, the SubGenius Foundation is WITH Jesus, the Fighting Jesus, not some long-haired mushmouth, we’re WITH Brother Roloff and Free Enterprise and America, we’re no commie tools of Satan, we’re AGAINST One-World Government and hep immoral sex on TV and intellectual pinks and the Conspiracy and centralization by devil-worshipping puppets in the Capital, by god we UPHOLD TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES, but things are NOT that simple, even if our “elected officials” weren’t corrupt assholes we’d still know that JHVH-1 the alien Space Brain has this planet in His GRIP, He manipulates every tiny move we make, He sics NHGH on us, and his Stark Fist of Removal has a Finger in EVERY PIE. This degeneracy is HIS work. He WANTS our society dragged down into the depths of depravity for some mysterious reason of His own. What choice does even a SubGenius have? “IT VAS NHGH VHAT MADE ME DO IT.” (—St. Janor Hypercleats to “Bob” after having been discovered in a terrible act.)

Yes … this is a crooked and perverse nation, my friend. The DEVIL is in the supermarket … the DEVIL is in the Post Office … the DEVIL is in the movies and TV. The Devil OWNS THIS WORLD! It’s HIS!!! There is only one way to overcome that devil and that is to place your faith in “Bob!” A man who does not know “Bob” is FULL of the Devil. That devil will never come out unless the mighty hand of “Bob” grabs him by the scruff of the neck and YANKS HIM OUT.

Yes, my friends, this world is like nothing so much as the PIMPLE on a GOD DAMNED MONKEY’S ASS. The best we can hope for is that another monkey will come along and squeeze it for us.

The Church of the SubGenius IS THAT MONKEY.

Have a good look, then, at DATELINE FOR DOMINANCE—all of Dobbs’ Prophecies compiled into one year-by-year, E-Z-2-Read calendar.

This is the very WAREHOUSE OF THE GODS—a little behind-the-scenes tour of Allah’s Arsenal, Mithra’s Munitions, Jupiter’s Javelins and Jehovah’s Judgements. We sincerely hope that once

you see what the gods have in store for you by way of retributions, tribulations, plagues, trials, punishments and plights, you’ll realize just how badly you need powerful friends and benign protectors. Though you may scoff and ridicule now, the day will come when the stockpiled calamities will be unleashed: the gods will send awful tornadoes made of crystalized radioactive isotopes, insects the size of elephants, miniature Bigfeet that will run around slashing your ankles with poisoned razor blades, frozen nitric acid hail, volcanoes that belch nerve gas, and hallucinogenic dust clouds that will engulf millions at a time. Rogue planets will pull into new solar orbits and disrupt the rotation of the Earth. Some days will be a week long, others no more than a few hours. Things will fall up! Great skyscrapers filled with horrified screaming people will wrench themselves from their foundations and fly skyward, past the atmosphere and out into space! Shopping malls will sink into the ground and never be seen again. Thousands of comets will pound the moon until it shatters and covers the ground with carcinogenic, dreadfulsmelling grit. Nothing will matter anymore.

§****DATELINE GOES HERE****

§IN CASE OF HOLOCAUST

First, be prepared before it happens. When hoarding, remember that bullets will be a lot more important than food, in that you can use bullets to obtain food in almost any disaster climate.

If the bombs start falling and/or the plagues are released BEFORE SCHEDULE, America will revert to barbarism practically overnight. 72% of the population will become what we would now call “outlaws” and only the remaining 28% will remain “law abiding citizens.” DON’T BE A SAP—WASTE NO TIME IN TURNING ROGUE. Immediately GANG UP with your most trusted friends and followers, form a band of nomad raiders, and START MARRAUDING. You will find it much easier than you might expect to be an outlaw chieftain stealing fodder from whimps in the total absence of LAW. The cops will be doing the same thing you are. Terrorize your way crosscountry and arrive as soon as possible in Dallas, where all End-Time Alliances of SubGeniuses will converge in any terminal emergency.

Get to “the old East Dallas neighborhood”—the Swiss Avenue mansion district—and collar survivors, demanding to know where SubGenius headquarters is located. Look for the group of weird old houses surrounded by barbed wire and gun emplacements. That will be Bulldada Time Control Laboratories. There will probably already be hundreds of tents, tanks, vans, and choppers up and down the block, all belonging to freshly-arrived fanatics.

With the Normals fleeing the cities, the opulent rotting mansions in this sector will be largely vacant, and those foolish enough to remain will be easy pickings. YOU yes YOU will have a NEW HOME in the AFTERMATH in DALLAS, TEXAS, CHOSEN CITY OF “BOB.” PRAISE THE FORCE FIELD!! PRAISE THE LASER PROJECT!!

All the registered SubGeniuses in one place will be a formidable army indeed. If the bombs started falling NOW we’d have a force of zealots numbering well over 40,000 within a week. (At any given time, there are over 11,000 Zombies for “Bob” available from Dobbstown alone.) “Bob” calculates that within 3 months of the “Day of Nuclear Judgement” over 500,000 will have defected to our side. We will form one huge tribal juggernaut of destructo-wrath that will RULE the city of Dallas, and after that, what’s left of the country itself!! If YOU are on the Church mailing list at that time, YOU’LL GET A SLICE.

(Ever daydream about rolling triumphantly down Main Street of your home town at the head of a squadron of tanks, a CONQUEROR, able now to extract TOTAL VENGEANCE on old high school foes?? It MAY happen. BE READY.)

What we envision for these dark days, when most others are starving, is a healthy feudal system in which all fit male and female SubGeniuses are warrior thug-serfs for “Bob.” How can any potential OverMan or UberLady entertain the faintest hopes of surviving the End Times without “Bob?” Yes, “Bob” will be in Dallas then and you’ll want to be where “Bob” is if you want tickets to the Rescue Ships from Planet X… so why not serve under him and his chosen representatives on Earth while you STILL CAN???

As a Thug, you will be safe among other Thugs. As a Whimp, you and yours will be up for grabs. DON’T WUSS OUT—there is actually more honor among thieves than there is among Normals.

§FACTS

“In dire emergency people everywhere are likely to panic and trample each other to get to safety. Normally brave people often run along with the cowards and the merely timid. It is inconceivable, except in the hermetic towers of the analysts, that any system of civil defense, crash or planned, billion dollar or multibillion dollar, would save the United States, once the panic started.”

Here’s a quick HITLER SKITLER END O’ THE WORLD DRILL.

First, pretend the Ecohell/Econocataclysm has arrived. Then rehearse the following:

Rape. Pillage. Looting. Tearing tin cans open with your teeth.

Get depressed and imagine your gums bleeding and your hair falling out from radiation. Wander up and down the street pretending everyone but you is dead. Kill anyone who comes near you. Mutter. Look for loved ones. Get pissed at the President and the Russians. Give up and die.

Try this on Sundays with friends, and you’ll be a lot readier than most people.

SHOT: High travelling shot from a helicopter at about 3000 feet as it moves as fast as it can towards a large city which, judging from the smoke and fire, is largely in flames. As we move in closer we see there are many people in the streets, looting, shooting, sniping from the rooftops at firemen and policemen. It looks like Watts, only the cars are too new, the people mostly white…. then we realize this is Dallas.

Cut to Mobscene in streets of Big D. People trying to get out of town, people trying to take what they want.

Shot: DFW Airport exterior; Transport planes are landing and disgorging troop carriers and light armor formerly marked Texas National Guard but now overlayed with a bright red triangle with a blue dot at the apex.

Shot: Fierce street war between heavily armed Army types and equally heavily armed white punks on dope. Mostly automatic weapon work with some explosives. The Army is pushed back slowly by the fanatical punks.

High aerial shot from Chopper. We see that there is fighting as far as one can see.

Cut: Shot of lawn in front of temporary SubGenius Command post. Logo on flag in front is “Bob” in tin hat. There are several helicopters cranking up on the lawn. They are all heavily armed Cobra gunships.

All have a “Bob” insignia on the sides and a clenched fist up near the rear rotors.

We follow the choppers as they sweep over the combat regions and start spraying thick bluish clouds of gas.

Clouds descend upon rioters and soldiers, who gag and gasp and choke and then start smiling like loons. They stop all fighting to join forces in looting a Dunkin’ Donuts shop that seems still intact.

Cut; Central Command Post with Pentagon-like equipment. Philo Drummond and Ivan Stang in full SG combat kip are manning the hot lines. The place is a hive of activity and illuminated charts of the world spell out new information with constantly changing computer displays.

Shot: MCU Philo hanging up Hotline and turning to Stang.

CU of Stang looking impassive.

Two Shot Stang and Drummond.

Tight Close Up of Stang. His face is cold and hard.

Close Up Drummond.

Long Shot of the two against the equipment.

‘Put Your Hands On The Radio’ by Pink Boyz playing as BG music.

VO. When things really started falling apart, the cities went first.

As the social order ruptured in America, everyone grabbed what they could and left for the open countryside….

…or they teamed up and dug in.

The Conspiracy gathered all sections of reserves under one central command in an attempt to stop the insurrections in the larger urban regions.

Unfortunately the reservists that did respond were not prepared for the ferocity of the resistance of some groups of armed citizens.

Chaos reigned supreme, making a lot of Erisians and Discordians wet with excitement. But the great unwashed were really getting trashed.

Amidst all this mayhem was an island of tranquility and organization.

The Church of the SubGenius, after years of derision and then violent persecution, has been preparing for this moment.

Utilizing a new derivative of the Tibetan herb Habafropzipulops synthesized by Overman Philo Drummond, the Church forces spring into action to prevent more senseless violence.

The euphoric, mind altering effects are permanent and the only side effect is hunger.

FX: Phones and comm gear noises.

Drummond: “Bob” says the situation in Hong Kong and Saigon is stable. Red China is ours, as is most of the Euromarket except France.

Stang: We’re already behind schedule in Europe; how about Russia?

Drummond: Russia seems to be ours too but we can’t pull anyone out… it’s just too big.

Stang: We’re going to have to nuke Paris; better get “Bob” on the hotline again. Where is his aircraft now?

Drummond: Somewhere over Tanzania right now and heading towards the Middle East. You know what a mess it is there.

Stang: Yeah, we really didn’t do too well there… too bad about Israel, Lebanon and Libya. It’s going to glow at night in those regions for a long time.

DRUMMOND: You know, of course, that Egypt bought it too. There are no more pyramids.

§TO BE CONTINUED