SALVATION $1 and THE PERILS OF FALSE SLACK

“I’m here with, basically, nothing to say. And that’s what I want to talk to you about tonight. Are you saying what you really mean to say? Do you even know what you’re really thinking?” —“Bob’s” first lecture, POSITIVE THINKING VS. SALES

“Give a SubGenius an inch of Slack, and he’ll abuse a mile of it right into the ground.” —“Bob,” Media Barrage Cassette 43 (365’)

Slack is one HELL OF A TRICKSTER. In fact, all this stuff about Slack being an internal nirvana of the mind is SO MUCH PURE ‘D’ CRAP. Come one—snap out of it—living in a state of mental bliss may help, but let’s face it: IT JUST ISN’T REAL.

In discussing True Slack, we aren’t talking about simply inproving your imagination and self-image—those are MERE IMAGES—we’re talking about major material advancement in the PHYSICAL WORLD. Money! Sex! We’re talking ACTUAL MIRACLES and MORE FUN in the objective, sensible universe—STRAIGHT As for No Effort in the very School of Hard Knocks itself. We’re talking SOMETHING FOR NOTHING.

Well, not for nothing, but it’s still the best deal for your money from any mind-control cult. Don’t fool yourself. NO RELIGION has ever actually made anybody more free—just more able to rely on that particular system, more dependent. What makes us different is that we admit it, and THIS ALONE makes it WORK. The whole IDEA is that you depend on “Bob.” But Dobbs-addiction is rather … compelling, compared to any other form of guru-abuse.

Slack CAN be money, Slack CAN be sex, but Slack IS “BOB.”

In Je-HO-Vah’s great Office in the sky is a Ledger showing the debits and credits of men’s souls, a record of all emotional transactions and the giving and taking of Slack, oral sex, etc.

Some have too much Slack, which is really no Slack at all. Without the bad, one cannot appreciate the good. Therefore: if you’re healthy, become an alcoholic. If you’re charismatic, become a creep. This will “awaken” you.

What’s wrong isn’t materialism per se, but the wrong kind of materialism. Pink materialism! The materialism of FAT BUTTS on schoolteachers, of cutesy smile-facey “gift shops” in malls, of Head Shops with $200 cocaine mirrors.

The point is, EARTH MUST BE PURGED. We need not kill the guilty, NAY NAY! but merely enslave them … make pets of them. We will protect them—watch over them as a shepherd watches his flock. But to do this we must CAST the money changers from the temple and BURN the record albums of The Pink. We must stop acting like they expect us to act.

The Church is not for austerity, not by a long shot. We are merely AGAINST FALSE SLACK, the con brainwash that says more of what They sell will make you happier. We don’t insist that Nature, per se, is what we must return to. To dismantle western technology is false extremism. Technology can serve us, and so can money. It’s just that authority must be disseminated into smaller pockets—each man and woman a king, each dog and child a serf.1

You can be what you won’t. “Bob” really does make his followers rich. We can prove this. But he also makes them poor. For riches aren’t enough.

§MAN NEEDS SLACK.

EARTH NEEDS SLACK. This logic is inescapable.

Money can buy Slack. In doses. Of certain kinds. More often, however, it’s squandered on Slack Abuse and techno-goods. We patriopsychotic anarchomaterialists LOVE the material world; money is not only important, it’s damn near ALL-important, and thus to waste it is a kind of blasphemy. But ANYONE with ANY SENSE AT ALL knows it isn’t how you spend your money, it’s how you spend your time. Who cares how much money you make? In these times the RICH are as broke as the POOR unless they’re CONSPIRACYRICH. When Death, the Grim Bill Collector, comes for YOU, will you be quaking and regretting all the time you wasted trying to “achieve” something instead of JUST HAVING FUN?

THERE MAY NOT BE MUCH TIME LEFT so you damn well better either help forestall cataclysm, or else enjoy the fleeting moments you have left. In fact, the enjoying DOES the forestalling. When you get more Slack, more Slack is also generated in the world around you.

Sure, these Teachings are intricate and contradictory—WHY NOT? Other religions may be simpler, but they only give the illusion of results. They’re bad maps … two dimensional diagrams nothing like the real terrain. But with SubGenius, the map actually is the territory.

Going without “Bob’s” word is like taking a long journey without a map. You’ll backtrack, wander aimlessly, go over rough, bumpy roads on irritating detours.

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§HOW THEY DENY YOU SLACK

“What a lot of people are following MIGHT NOT BE JESUS.”

—“Bob”

DON’T let yourself live to be 90 with only 10 years’ worth of Slack. Don’t spend most of your waking hours doing something you hate. YOU CAN SUDDENLY QUIT YOUR JOB AND TAKE YOUR FAMILY ON THE ROAD with EVERY BIT AS MUCH SECURITY as you’ll get depending on Corporate America with its voluntary slavery. The system is in a perpetual breakdown/replace Turnover Cycle. Well, it’s overheating and sooner or later something’s really gonna turn it over.

HAS FEAR OF THE UNUSUAL PREVENTED YOU FROM JOINING THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS? Or, if you are already a member, has Conspiracy harassment kept you from enjoying your full rights as a SubGenius?

Do they constantly reinforce your Conspiracy programming by making it financially necessary that you attend endless pinkins, gatherings of dull blandoid Normalcy Dupes who bore you to death, making you sit there while you secretly daydream of wreaking havoc on their pallid world? Or do they try to intimidate you out of SubGeniusness? For instance, are you having trouble getting a good job, or laid? Is it increasingly difficult for you to “relate?” Is your mail being opened? Have you recently had a Close Call of the Third Kind? Or have they stepped up their harassment even further—have they sent NHGH’s Henchmen after you to tear out your tongue, gouge out your eyes, set fire to your home, impale your mate, rape your children, and burn your secret stash of SubGenius propaganda? OR, are they using subtler but EVEN MORE HEINOUS methods, such as Psychic Aether Disruptors to discomBobulate your Sphere of Causality, slanting your Luck Plane their way and throwing you way out of Sync?

§CASH PRIZES

§EXCUSES FOR HATE

If they have done these things and you have been discouraged, it is understandable. It was all planned that way by multidimensional Wrath Entity JHVH-1, all set up long before the seeds of life were first planted on this planet some ten billion years ago. (Yes, TEN billion. They had to be planted more than once.)

Our present-day Conspiracy reflects the gleefully sadistic tampering of “J-1” in its current attacks, labeling the SubGenius as fanatical, unemployable, secretive, misguided, even “insane.” However, these tactics are just more incontrovertible proof of our glorious threat to Them. That the Conspiracy—particularly the nearly mindless Normal Majority—has continually attacked the Church is a great tribute to us, for organizations are surely known for their enemies as well as their friends. Consequently, abnormals who may have once been programmed to deny their own abnormality are now, with second thoughts, investigating and joining the Church. We now have PROOF that within our lifetimes we WILL see the Sovereign State of the SubGenius: each yard a kingdom.

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§LEARN TO FORGET AND BEAT THE ODDS!

But the path to this Utopia for dreamers is strewn with danger and martyrdom. We must be prepared for intense resistance. We must be prepared for the wrong kind of Temptation and the perils of false Slack.

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Already the demons have many people calling us “demonic Humanists” and “Communist Tools of Satan.” What has this world come to, that the most courageous, patriotic, and almost fatally independent guardians of SANE MORALITY in AMERICA be called “Communist Tools of Satan” by idol-mongering, neurosis-implanting, UFO-or-devil-possessed KOOKS who actually have the GALL to call themselves CHRISTIANS?? By GOD, JESUS was NO PUSSYFOOTER. He is THE FIGHTIN’ JESUS, one of the down home for real people, not some sourmouth old-lady puritan whiner! The REAL Jesus (and his two-fisted pals Bhuddha, Krishna, Elvis et al) are slugging it out, are right in the thick of it, with “BOB!” We’re not tools of ANYBODY except the Stark Fist of Removal, and It’s got hold of the CONSPIRACY, TOO, so FUCK ‘EM. FUCK ‘EM I tell you, Satan is a liar, he’s a DECEIVER, and a deceiver is going to jump you where you LEAST EXPECT IT. And where do the most susceptible, doltish seekers of narconormality LEAST EXPECT THE DEVIL? In CHURCH!! IN CHURCH!! YES it can happen in ANY HOUSE OF GOD that is run by DUPES who are sitting ducks, lamely praying for SOME ENTITY to step in and TELL THEM WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR LIVES …

§SUBLIMINAL HEADLINE HOOKS—YOUR BRAIN, THE BAIT??

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Horrible, isn’t it, that so many would-be PATRIOTS are so steeped in their own personal paranoia that they have lost all “sense” of humor and thus all perspective, that they have let FOUL PREACHERS change the PUNCHLINES of the GOOD JOKES of JESUS to look like SICK GUILT PARABLES??? “HOLY SHIT” I say, this CONSPIRACY business we’re talking about is NO JOKE, we are not speaking in SYMBOLIC TERMS, the Conspiracy we talk about is a real thing that permeates ALL OF SOCIETY. It is a CREEPING TREND against YOU and ME that is BEING DELIBERATELY INSTIGATED by BODILESS HIGHER INTELLIGENCES in an overpopulated world that is RIPE AS HELL for TAKEOVER.

§INSTANT CASH WHENEVER YOU NEED IT!!

§GUARANTEED INERTNESS!

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It’s so obvious it’s actually funny. People by the millions are giving up on science and politics and are now expecting “Something Else” to save them. If something that looks like a UFO or a Spirit from the Afterlife or an Ascended Spiritual

Teen-Age DEVO OF HORROR!

Master or a “strong President” happens to say it is one of those, people unfortunately have a tendency to BLINDLY TAKE ITS WORD. It may be one of those, but it may also be something we haven’t had nightmares about yet. The Contactee Epidemic has started, often it’s in a namby-pamby disguise that makes for a bestselling self-help book, sometimes it’s privately brainwarping, but whatever it is, it is now making IRREVERSIBLE the incredible wave of superstition that is about to sweep the world. Fake Jesii will be cropping up right and left like BAIT from SPACE, and HUMANS WILL BITE. It’s already damn near impossible to have a sane, well-rounded overview of the nonstop cataclysm of daily life, and what we have always called ‘science’ and ‘rational thought’ are precisely what have caused this. “Science” is now so top-heavy with its own Conspiracy-implanted bureaucratic status-ladder, so utterly blind to anything it hasn’t already explained in too much detail, that it is swiftly burying any credibility it once had under its weight of dogma. Like government, it has become little more than a self-perpetuating academic red tape factory; each particular field of specialty makes itself incomprehensible to everyone but its own experts. Mainstream religion is the same—preachers don’t make sense to anyone who isn’t already “saved,” defeating their own purposes by Conspurred overkill. The people who’ll wield power in the near future, then, will be those who can come up with broad, all-inclusive explanations for modern insane reality, explanations that may in fact be ludicrous but which nevertheless SOUND GOOD and FIT IN. These ARE the End Times.

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§BEWARE THE FALSE PROPHETS

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So WAKE UP! or you’ll be left standing there in the Aftermath with your pants down and the Grin of Mr. Coprophagy plastered on your zombie face. If you’re behind “liberal humanism” OR “religious conservatism” OR ANY COMBINATION THEREOF, you’re basically subscribing to a dole system where somebody else is pulling the strings, and you’re JUST where The Conspiracy wants you. The issue, the PRIMAL issue that keeps being ignored because of its own nature, is the rotting away of the original human personality, which is its natural state is actually CRAZY and HAPPY as hell. They ARE making you Normal, and for that very reason you can’t tell that the change is even happening. They don’t want you to stand on your own two feet so they make it HORRIBLY EASY for you to just let THEM prop you up instead.

YOU THINK it’s just uptight moral majority primates in business suits, but NO! It’s probably half your best friends, YES, regular hippies and intellectual hep-cats, people who still entertain the fantasy that their grooved-out lifestyle somehow makes them immune to the coming fullhell Humanity Crisis, nice “cool” people who smoke pot or tell good jokes, JUST PLAIN GOOD BUDDIES, but the fact remains that they are already clamped into the smoothest type of Conspiracy programming and will only slide deeper, they still talk about Slack but it’s just shallow surface talk, give them 5 years and they’ll have rationalized themselves right into the clutches of the Anti“Bob,” 333, just wait, soon they’ll be tube-eyed glassfaces, zombie office drones with cardboard values, oh sure they’ll still listen to Frank Zappa records, but even Zappa will have plunged into the service of the robot temptors, YES! “Leisure activities” are the Cheese, The Conspiracy provides the Maze, and YOU are the RAT! The nibbling greedy RAT!! They dangle enough fancy stereos and ski trips in front of you and by god you’ll BITE…or maybe status machines aren’t your cheese, maybe you like “responsibility” or “fame” or “to be left alone” or even “nature” instead, well, whatever you want The Conspiracy has it for YOU, they know how to make you think you’ve earned it, they’ll have you doing a kind of work that isn’t work at all, they’ll have you bedding down with women or men who aren’t women or men at all, you’ll learn to LOVE the fashionable New Bondage, HELL they’re bending you over already, better clench tight, they’re about to drop a BIG present in your back door! And you’ll never notice what they took when they left because once it’s gone you won’t have anything to miss it WITH, your Third Nostril can be closed up by a myriad of Conspiracy moneydrugs, your once-noble Nental Ife half-soul can be tranquilized by a good enough TV show, your Bobself and mystic powers—already damped—can be smothered permanently by involuntary surrender, it’ll be like a mental videotape of your own uniqueness and abnormality and valuable past sufferings that somebody went and erased, and it WON’T come back, it’s like an amputation of your Improvement Instinct; “When there’s no more room in Hell the dead shall walk the Earth.” (Dawn of the Dead—George Romero) Yep … they’ll suddenly give you some spare time, but you’ll be so fucked up from not having had any in so long that you won’t know what to DO with it; when you finally do decide on which type of False Slack to pursue you won’t ENJOY it, and if you acidentally DO enjoy it they’ll find a way to make you feel GUILTY about it. When you don’t know whether you’re TO or FROM you won’t care where you’re going.

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Why You Can Look to the Future with Confidence

And so even YOU will follow your buddies into the happy tarpit of lowered expectations, so what if you never got to be a rock star, you’ll be a damn good junior ad exec, right?? Remember what happened to most of the bomb-throwing radicals of your youth? They all work for their dads now, yes? And sure enough they have more “slack” than you do, they sold out and got rich, but here’s where it’s horrible: they no longer have to capacity to enjoy it but YOU DO. If you don’t keep on the meanderingly straight Path o’ “Bob” you may just decide to get some of their False Slack for yourself. Right now your outward personality is just the tip of the iceberg of the real you. Five years at the paps of The Conspiracy and that iceberg tip will be all that’s left.

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HOW DO THEY DO IT? What makes their hollow society so habit forming? How can these GOD DAMNED ALIENS actually be making US think like THEM?

Well, they aren’t making us think like them. They’re making us think like we think they think. But that’s NOT the way THEY think; rather, THEY think more like “BOB!” BUT…they know just where to KICK you when you’re down. They can psychically pinpoint the exact spot where a well-placed propaganda boot to your behavior glands will make that brainkick feel GOOD. To be more precise and more justifiably vindictive about it, they know how to smash your Mystik Sixth Sense of Humor in such a way that you’ll be glad it’s gone.

They know what sort of tribulations to heap on you that will make you “take things seriously.” They know how to SCARE you into “accepting your responsibilities.” In short, they know how to make you “grow up.” And the way they do it would make Jesus puke. They wait till you’re around 25, or so, let you just start to get your footing, then WHAM they pull the rug right out from under you. Your cherished notions of Slack in the world are shattered; you get good and SODOMIZED by STARK REALITY.

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§THE ANTI-DOBBS IS WAITING

§BE SURE AND LOOK …

SEE the difference in your HAIR

It’s like being a long-time virgin who finally got deflowered, but it was a bad deflowering. You lose faith in everything decent and suddenly nothing is funny anymore…especially not Hell-On-Earth. AND IT’S PEOPLE WHO DON’T THINK HELL ON EARTH IS FUNNY (albeit SICK) THAT DON’T REALLY BELIEVE THERE COULD BE HELL-ON-EARTH. Tight-lipped puritanical “LIBERALS” who keep telling you to THINK POSITIVE are The Conspiracy’s BEST TOOLS. When push comes to shove they’ll place their trust in the Anti “Bob” because he doesn’t “act crazy,” he doesn’t mock sacred things or make cruel jokes about ugly things that shouldn’t even be brought up, like “Bob” does. The Anti“Bob” assures you without saying a word that if you’ll just act right (which is easy, the rules are simple), you’ll be smart and cool and you won’t act silly anymore like you did when you were a teenager. But BY GOD if you aren’t ready to RIOT FOR FUN you’ll be lost forever. If you don’t keep your sense of hideous grins you won’t have any sense at all. That broad, sick sense of humor is the only thing that makes the other senses worthwhile. That’s good, it has to work that way! It’s all tied together in one BIG plan. Let’s face it, if “God” is everything and has attributes of everything, He She or IT most certainly has a sense of humor, in this case a sense of humor so refined as to be utterly inscrutable. God rarely makes any sense at ALL by our standards, and without that mystical primordial urge for ugly yuks you can’t begin to comprehend God’s bizarre ways of doing things, or JHVH-1’s for that

matter, and you’ll latch onto The Devils’s ways instead, or at least those of The Unmentionable One, which always make perfect sense, especially to the truly desperate. Without that sense of “humor” you’ll never let yourself see how horrible things have gotten, and you’ll never be able to see how hilarious they always are anyway. “You can’t be very smart without being totally stupid.” (“Bob” in Trance 45)

AIIEEE YES—the truth is so bad and so good, BOTH, it can ONLY be leaked out in so-called “jokes.” What the hell do you think The Conspiracy is doing with its UFOs, poltergeists, spirit-guides and INSANE PHENOMENA? It’s just propagating a warped version of the same truth “Bob” is trying to impart. And The Conspiracy has been so successful in retarding common human sense and the natural expression of piercing truthguffaws that even The Church of the SubGenius is sometimes forced to lower itself to TV-style pratfall-mongering to survive. If we didn’t intersperse this ranting with the “obvious jokes” we’d have been jailed for victimless crimes LONG ago. We’re just about the only organization willing to even whisper the truth about the Hollow Earth, and the only way we can do it is to wrap it in a good-natured sugar coating of surface laughs. “Here, would you please add this turd to that punchbowl?”

THEY can’t read the code anyway. But YOU can. And if enough of YOU will step boldly out and make witness for “Bob,” we’ll be able to STRIP THE CODES AWAY, rending brazenly all labels, false fronts, and preconceptions that obscure the BLINDING WHITE LIGHT of SCHIZOTRUTH.

And this we swear: THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS WILL NOT WUSS OUT. WE WILL NOT FOLD. We CAN’T: it’s TOO LATE. The juggernaut has been unleashed and cannot be reversed. THERE IS LITERALLY NO TELLING WHAT WILL HAPPEN. The One-World Religion foretold in ALL BIBLES is here today and you can NOW CASH IN on its RELENTLESS ERUPTION.

Sure—the world as we know it ends at 7:00 a.m., July 5, 1998. “Bob” can’t promise he’ll prevent it, but he’ll sure as hell see that you get FRONT ROW TICKETS. And YOU don’t have to worry—you bought this Book. The Men from Planet X have a check by your name in the Book of Humans. They WILL LAND on that fateful day, and YOU’LL BE SAVED while all those ASSHOLES FRY!!